Confident You NETWORK with Marion Swingler

BONUS #8 THE AFTER PARTY: IGNITING SELF-WORTH: Embracing Authenticity, Black Excellence, and Healing Generational Trauma with Venita Jackson from CYP eps 25

April 09, 2024 • Marion Swingler • Episode 8

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Have you ever found yourself stuck in the quicksand of laziness, even though you're fully aware of the boundless potential lying dormant within you? This episode peels back the layers of complacency, inviting listeners to ignite their motivation through tales of travel, the revelations of journaling, and the transformative act of stepping outside their comfort zones. With special attention to the unspoken privileges that shape our lives, like the freedoms of our birth countries, we aim to inspire you to embrace the fullness of the world and your unique place in it.

Choosing a life path that defies societal blueprints, especially when it comes to motherhood and personal fulfillment, can be an act of radical bravery. Today's candid confessions reveal the strength it takes to prioritize happiness over traditional family structures and address the weighty issues of legacy and societal pressures. Together with our insightful guest, we unpack the necessity of confronting personal demons head-on, the courage to live authentically, and the power that lies in making choices that resonate with your truest self.

Celebrating the resilience and triumphs within the Black community, we wrap ourselves in stories of excellence, empowerment, and the importance of environments that uplift. Reflecting on the personal and ancestral challenges faced by discrimination and trauma, this episode pays homage to the strength that surges through generations, carving pathways of healing and self-assurance. We leave you with the spark to cultivate self-confidence, embrace the wisdom of culture, and the encouragement to care for your mental well-being through positive self-talk, serving as a beacon of hope and empowerment.

Investor Realtor, Mid Term Rental owner, and Airbnb Co-Host.
TEXT: 585-615-4198       
EMAIL: Vjackson@sokodyteam.com

Volunteer opportunities - contact your local hospice site, facility, or organization for the best way you can serve those who have served our country.
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Speaker 1:

Listen, I want to welcome you to the after party. After party, episode 25. What is something that you feel as though? Give me your top three things that you feel as though us, as a people, aren't being honest with ourselves about. Take your time.

Speaker 2:

One. We're lazy at times.

Speaker 1:

We're lazy at times you was real quick with that. I said take your time.

Speaker 2:

You said one we're lazy at times. We have all this power and this intelligence and this resilience and this. We have all this love, this intelligence and this resilience and this. We have all this love, all this good stuff, all this resources, the creativity. Right, we have that. Stop being lazy with it, stop taking it for granted. Stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 1:

Two, stop, stop, two. Okay, we're gonna stay with lazy, okay, so stop being lazy with it, stop taking it for granted. Stop. That's how you said that. So what would you say are three things that someone can do manage better in their lives to conquer their lazy way.

Speaker 2:

Be open to opportunities. Open to opportunities, be open. Be open to something that's different. Different doesn't mean bad right, it's just different. Be open. Be open to us. Be open that we're not all the same.

Speaker 1:

Hmm, be open to us. Be open to we're not all the same. So open, what is something?

Speaker 2:

else, what is the second thing that you would? Say um travel travel, and not just to the Caribbean islands. And getting drunk on the booze cruise, that's fun.

Speaker 1:

Wait a minute, ma'am. You're being real rude. You came for people's necks, like I heard. I felt the slice for others. I felt the slice for others, ma'am.

Speaker 2:

That is fun and beautiful and I'm not knocking that. But the world is so much bigger than that, you know, because when I tell you, when you go somewhere and you see how amazing our world is, you see our God everywhere. Right, it's so much bigger than that. And then you also appreciate what you do have. You know, especially as a female. Again, I love traveling. I'm you know, I'm gonna do about, I'm gonna have that Ghana life and all that, but as a female. Thank you God for having me born in this country. We're gonna go back to that now, thank you God for having me born in this country.

Speaker 1:

We're going to go back to that, go back to your gratitude for being born in this country. What is the third thing you would say? To conquer laziness.

Speaker 2:

Journal you know, or whatever. Just write it down or record it, whatever works for you, but actually get to know yourself you know. Know yourself before you're out here trying to know others and present yourself. So that's why you know journaling, recording. Know yourself before you're out here trying to know others and present yourself. So that's why you know journaling, recording, know yourself.

Speaker 1:

And that's what you're saying is coming from the journaling. You're actually writing. What are you saying? That people write Because people could write. People could sit there and play an album, exactly.

Speaker 2:

However, or record, like I said, you can record yourself. You know, I think sometimes social media gets a bad rap. People be like people be doing too much. I think social media saves a lot of lives. It's a tool, it's an outlet, you know. So I don't knock it, it's a tool. So know yourself, learn yourself that self awareness is powerful, right, and we don't have to get it when we're 50.

Speaker 1:

I mean, getting it is getting it right, but if we can, it doesn't have to take five decades, all right, so I wanted to go back to what you just said. You said thank you, god. As a Black female, I want to thank you, god, for being born in this country, for being born in this country. And you said that, along with the statement that people should get out of the country and see things and do things. Why that prayer?

Speaker 2:

Not even just the country. Just start baby steps, even in our country. Right, get out of your hood and let me tell you, the hood is not bad. Whatever your hood is, go outside it, please. You know, go outside it.

Speaker 2:

But my world became so much bigger and I thought my world was already big because when we go down south, my mother kept us busy, she kept us busy, she kept us busy, so she kept us busy. We had church, we had our family, she would take us places. She wanted our world to be bigger and I'm thankful. And even with our world being bigger, I remember one time I was asking her you know how you have those after school specials and the kids would have curfews. I said Mommy, can I get a curfew? She's like you're not going to vote and I've always had friends of everybody's that went to school that was ready to vote. You think you're going to learn life friends. If to a school that was very different, you just want to learn life friends. If you're not with me, if you're not with your grandparents, you're not at church, you don't need no curfew. God will send us somewhere.

Speaker 2:

Let's just go somewhere and come back home and say God what's wrong with you?

Speaker 1:

That don't even sound right. And the thing is you have to realize where they're coming from, what they saw as children. I can say that there are things that I did or do or have done as an adult, that I made my mind up as a kid that that when I get big I'm doing it this way. And it wasn't until I sat down and, like you said, got that awareness about myself and really started dissecting and looking at the things that I did, that I realized wait, I made this up when I was six when this happened. I made this vow with myself and I kept the vow and forgot all about it, but I consciously forgot about it. Subconsciously I kept that word. You did, you too, and put up with some tomfoolery to keep a promise of a six-year-old.

Speaker 2:

Steadfast, right, steadfast in the silliness.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

We do that to ourselves we do we do?

Speaker 1:

What is something that you feel like you have done? That? There's a promise that you made as a kid that as an adult adult, had you paid attention, you would have been like, yeah, nah, that's not right um, there was.

Speaker 2:

I remember one thing about my family too we could be the best drug addict, crackhead, alcoholic, but we're going to always work, we are going to work. Our work ethic is by none in our family. So again, when you ask about the issues we were functioning crackheads and alcoholics we're still going to work. I don't know what the quality of the work that was.

Speaker 1:

I just want to get done. No, no, no, no, no. I know some functioning people that are amazing. People did not know they were functioning, they just thought they were methodical in their thinking and speech. Yes, and I knew I was like no, it's not. I'm not going to fully attribute all of that, all the characteristics, to that. I'm not fully contributed to the abuse of the, whatever the substance. I know I could see it peeking out and doing its best to cope with that, yeah, and I, yeah.

Speaker 2:

So you know that work ethic was always within me. It's just who I was. You know, um, and I remember I got my first job at 15 and I lied to get that job because I had asked my mother. By then she's clean and sober. So now that's why I'm laughing like wait, wait a minute. So I didn't lie. So it's kind of around that time. That's when they said they were 115 years, but they really weren't, and I was so excited and my mother was like you can get a job. But she didn't really want me to have a job because she would have to pick me up. So I was frustrated. So I was telling my grandfather, her father no, no, I can't get a job. He was like why? I was like because I'm not 16. He was like well, tell him you're 16. And I was like I should. He was like there's two things you lie about in life your money and to get money wait, a minute.

Speaker 1:

Wait, there's only two things.

Speaker 2:

You lie about is your money and to get money. Wait a minute, wait. There's only two things you lie about is your money and to get money.

Speaker 1:

Who said this?

Speaker 2:

My grandfather, my mother's father.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to need your grand. Okay, so listen.

Speaker 2:

This book, this book is for the family, y'all and me saying and that Listen, like I said, and so he died in 2015 and at home. But, like I said, I've been blessed. I've always had this wisdom being poured into me and I'm so thankful. So we had a fire when I was like seven. So I told the people, a house caught on fire and that is where my work permit is. I kind of alluded to it.

Speaker 2:

So McDonald's hired me and I was such a good worker. They kept asking for the work permit and I would hold them all. Then, finally, when I turned 16, I came in and gave it to the manager. He just looked at me and he laughed. He was like that, that's a good thing, you're such a good employee. But granddaddy said and my mother was man, how did you get this job? Granddaddy said stop it. So so, yeah, I wish that I wouldn't pay so much value on work though, because that's all I would do to not face other things in life. I realize that now I've always been. I've always had multiple jobs, even in the military, I would have part-time jobs.

Speaker 1:

Wait, I.

Speaker 2:

Even when I was after duty, duty, I would have other jobs. It was just a way to keep busy. I think for me, if I'm not busy, I start ruminating, I start sinking. I think a lot of times, especially now, I think a lot of us, we're predisposed to certain things. So, if you know that right, I don't have to just pop a pill. I can do things I can work out, I can be with my friends and my family that I enjoy. There's things that you can do if you already know yourself, if you know the signs. So, yeah, that would be the one thing I think and that's the thing you just said.

Speaker 1:

you referred back to the last thing you said with the journaling and the awareness you said to be by myself, to recognize that things were going on and to to start doing other things, recognizing when I and I think that's that awareness yes, I was talking about in that component, that last component of um, your advice in reference to not being lazy. Yes, the laziness within yourself and that awareness, awareness for you has done what, what is something that you're aware of and how it was affecting you and then, when you became aware, how you turned that around.

Speaker 2:

I think, one thing that I became aware of that I don't think at one time. So you know I don't have children and I remember. So one, my mother, again, my family's old, they're from South Carolina, from the country, so everybody's a wife. You know now. So what? That his woman came by the house and somebody had to choke her out. But everybody's a wife, right. So I knew that I did not want that and I remember hearing them like, well, I'm the wife and I'm like I don't see where that's a win. As a little girl I'm like, I'm like I'm really trying to wrap my head around. This woman called your house or y'all had to go beat up this woman because I never understood that and y'all were I'm the wife, you know. It gave me eavesdropping. So I remember my mother asked me you know again, even with that there was this if you have a baby, you better change your last name. That was just. You know, that was just the mantra. You would not just be around here having babies, because girls were having babies young.

Speaker 2:

We were so fearful of our mother I think we were the only murders on the street. For one, we really were, because we don't want any smoke with her and I think, too, my mother had asked me later on. I was like 24, and she was like, are we going to ever have kids? And I was like no, you said I have to be married and I was not looking for a husband. And then she also was like, well, you can get married. You know, I got married to your dad. It just didn't work. And I was like yeah, yeah. But again I saw her and my auntie how they were real mothers. Us kids were always priority. They did without. They did without all the time. And I told her I saw how you did without. She's like but we did. It didn't look like it was having much fun. I'm a pass so and I always tell him to this day those bad kids, they cost money he didn't look like he was having much fun.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yeah, mother, and I can tell the red kids were always a priority and you have so many, I think, for me, seeing all these real women, all these real mothers around me, that was a bond that I want to try and get to. I mean, I think I over thought it, probably too, and then, when I decided that maybe I should, I'm like okay, I'm going to need a nanny, I'm too old, I like to sleep, just you know we don't do that.

Speaker 1:

I like to sleep Just.

Speaker 2:

You know we don't do that. Listen, my uncle was listen, I know, but I was going to. That's what started my plan. I was going to find one that spoke Spanish. So that's okay, because I'm going to try to be legal. I had a whole little notebook of how I was going to do this.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it sounded like you would like to start a list. I did, but it wasn't that. Ma'am Five, five. Is there anything else you would have wanted to say during the episode concerning mental health? To say during the episode concerning mental health?

Speaker 2:

I would say again just stop. So you know, we have those words now that we're learning, you know toxic and triggered and they sound good, but again they kind of don't. You know, he's a knife. He's a knife. We're at so much right, I have trust issues. We're quite good at saying that Proud. Okay, now what, what you gonna do about it? Oh, I just have him, oh, huh, huh about it. Oh, I just have them, oh, huh, huh you are rude, I love it.

Speaker 1:

I love it.

Speaker 2:

It's funny because I had these discussions, like you know, my brother, my brother would go out and then some guy would like try to talk to me and I would make. He has done me for the teachable moment just telling you how interesting. But I have to have a conversation, brother, why did you feel that that was the way that you should approach me?

Speaker 1:

Let's talk so my brother be like it ain't gonna be a teachable moment.

Speaker 2:

Leave those fools alone, and I'm like but we can do better. I know we can and I want him to find love. It's not going to be with me, but I want him to find it Because I love black love.

Speaker 1:

But that's a love you're going to have to see with somebody else.

Speaker 2:

No, no, and it would be like I see your underwear and everybody's like it's polo. Yeah, but I see your underwear. Now we're grown, it's bad enough. Our young ones do it, but you know what you out, it's polo.

Speaker 2:

And now, okay, if you want to go there, it's at this bar school. So you got your underwear at this bar school. There's a lot going on here. So I want us to take pride in just who we are. We are so powerful we are, so I mean, we're just beautiful, right, like we are physically beautiful. We have this way about us that cannot be bottled it, it cannot be replicated. You can call it what you want. We are royalty, right, and I don't take away from anybody else. I have women that I consider my sisters, that are, you know, white. They're Polish, italian. I don't take that away.

Speaker 2:

I'm also not going to minimize the privilege it is to be black. It's a privilege. It is a privilege. It is a privilege and we need to start walking like we know that it's a privilege. We should, especially because I've lived in Germany, where women will get black and they'll get mad about other women. With that man, I'd be like what's wrong with y'all? Look at that man. If I was that child, I'd be mad at me too. Why are you mad at them, seeing them for what they are? Why are you mad about that? I'm happy that he has somebody that loves him, that receives him for who he is Now.

Speaker 1:

The ones that y'all getting mad about. They're crying about him anyway.

Speaker 2:

But he's happy.

Speaker 1:

I can't. People do tend to. I can't say that I've seen people be taken aback when a black man walks by with a woman from another race. But then I just look at the other person that I'm with. Like you know him, you know him. Like that was somebody you was in a relationship with, you. You would have wanted to invest.

Speaker 2:

You have no idea what she has yes, and love is in this world for people to find love, companionship I, I, I want my black men to have that. I don't I, I want them. They deserve that, they need that support and that's what makes them feel comfortable for whatever reason. I'm not gonna dwell into it, you know, but that's not my problem, that's that's so not my problem. And again, I'm good, like, I'm good, right.

Speaker 1:

Right, right, because I only want who wants me. Thanks, thanks.

Speaker 2:

I'm not going to stand in front of you and hop up and down and say, see me, see me, what?

Speaker 1:

is that about?

Speaker 2:

Why am I going to be in places where I know that I'm tolerated and not celebrated?

Speaker 1:

Again.

Speaker 2:

Why am I going to be in places where I'm tolerated and not celebrated?

Speaker 1:

Why am I going to be in places where I'm tolerated and not celebrated? That is something I needed to hear early in life.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Early in life, that is. That statement sums up a lot for me.

Speaker 2:

We all needed it, I think, throughout times in our lives Like I've needed it. So, like you said, I think it's something that's going to come and go at different periods in our life. I remember so one thing I did when I came back to New York. So I was in Macedonia, I was contracting for the Army. So they said Grandma, the list here is causing trouble. My grandfather had a stroke. So I remember I called her and she was just like I need you here, you're my oldest grandchild. So I left. I came back to New Rochester and all my family was like you're here, and I'm going to say that they tricked me because he lived another 13 years. Ain't nothing wrong with that, he lived another 13 years. So I was like y'all tricked me, y'all got me back here and I don't regret it because again, my grandfather, red White, was the man. So I don't regret that.

Speaker 2:

But I started working for the state. I was a special ed teacher and again that was something to where there weren't too many of us in that position and I loved working with my class, I loved my staff. But I left and deployed me. The military called me up to go overseas. You know how when you're out of something you can't go back. And I was constantly fighting with either staff or higher-ups. And I remember I came back and I was just like Grandma I don't know why. I was talking with her when I and it was getting really bad, like I was getting into it with a lot of the staff, you know to where I would play gospel. Before I would even go into work, I would have to play gospel. And I was telling Grandma, grandma, I don't want to go there anymore. But it was a good state job with good benefits. But it was a good state job with good benefits and I had been there for like seven years.

Speaker 2:

And she was like so where are you going? And I was like because it's a good job, you know I make good money. She was like but you don't have to think about it, but you fuck them, excuse me, fuck them, sorry, fuck them. She was like you can always work. You know who you are. Don't go there if you, if she's like you don't even got no kids, dummy. And she was like that's when I started my whole serial entrepreneur. So you don't have any kids, you're gonna always work. I like you, I'll feed you. I was like she's right. Why am I sick? I'm dreading going to a place, to where I'm tolerated and not celebrated and you're tolerated and not celebrated.

Speaker 1:

But you said it right because you're taking yourself there. The perspective she gave you on it is the reason you're going there, is you? So why are you going there?

Speaker 2:

she's. She was the one that started me on this serial entrepreneurship. It's just, and I'm so thankful because and again, I still have the military as a corner so I can do all my different businesses and then be like, oh ooh, I need some money. So can you put me in orders for three months? Let me put you in orders for three months. I would go to the base work, not that hard. I would go to the gym for two hours. We would have Bible study. Let's go to lunch for two. At certain times there was no sweat coming off of my brow and I'm getting paid really good money. So, and I'm with a group of people that, yeah, we all have something bigger than us that we're working towards.

Speaker 1:

You said you were working a job. There was no sweat coming off your brow and you were getting paid really good money. You also said that your first job was at McDonald's, where I'm sure you were making that nice minimum wage three something, four something, an hour. Okay, so that's where you are. That's the spectrum, yes. Nice job where you are that's the spectrum. Yes, from a nice job where you get paid a lot of money to a job where you really have to work every moment of every day and you're paid minimal.

Speaker 2:

That was my first job as a 15-year-old. That was my first job.

Speaker 1:

Right, no, I'm just. I'm going from the those two of how, in this country, it seems like the higher up you get, the more you get paid for doing less. Yes, but the lower you are in the totem pole, the more they ride you to do more for less.

Speaker 2:

Yes. So that's how our country was built, right From the free labor to laws designed to have the working class stay the working class. You know our retirement system, our social security will give you just enough. Right will give you just enough. And so what are so many lessons and so many aha moments?

Speaker 2:

The biggest one for me was my mother worked at Genesee Brewery and that was a good job and she was among a group of women that were the first women hired to work at this brewery. They had to cross a picket line because men were upset that these women were taking these good jobs from men, because my mother didn't need to eat or feed those kids. So she was. This was in 19, I think 1978. So she said it was ugly. You know, men didn't want to wear that brooie. She had to work. My mother worked that job for 29 years and she said she did that for us. And and she said she did that for us. And she did, she did that for us. And it was a brood, it was cold, the eroded, the sexism, the racism. She did it and she was able to retire at 54. And so I remember she said to me y'all make sure y'all do it better than me.

Speaker 1:

That part. I see that there's a different time now. Different time, I mean, it's just a different mindset. I don't know. It's probably because I'm in it, and I'm in it being someone who is seeing you to look back and say y'all didn't do anything. I see where they did something, I see what I'm doing, but I don't see your contribution, your age group, your age. What did you do? Do we kept y'all safe? We transitioned through people, rodney King being beaten by the police on camera and they acting like nothing happened. What's wrong? What's the problem? It was the on camera. Yes, these beatings take took place before. Yes, prior to that, there were a lot of black people hung from trees. Billy holiday sung.

Speaker 1:

Yes, about that yes a lot of us hung from trees. So I'm not saying that trauma didn't happen. It was just totally different to actually sit and have the news come on, which is something that, as a youth, you're told you have to watch as an assignment for one of your classes, maybe like watch the news and write on the article, or read the paper and write on the article, which is also traumatic. That's the fact.

Speaker 2:

It's on a loop.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's on a loop. The trauma and the drama is on a loop.

Speaker 2:

I have not, I haven't seen, I don't know. I think the last thing I saw, kind of saw, was Trayvon, and that still is the one that just I've not seen. George Snow, I knew not to watch that. I know to leave the room Because my grandmother and my mother knew, knew, I know I don't need to see that. I know I don't need to see, I don't need to see the murders. Yeah, I don't need to see that.

Speaker 1:

I know I don't need to see, I don't need to see the murders?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I don't. Yeah, yes, and that's exactly how I feel, and I'm not discounting or discrediting them. I have a tender heart. So there are things that I do shield my eyes from. Like you said, you have to to be aware, you have to know you. So I know me and they're even you know, they're jobs that I've had where I've literally had to sit through and shield myself from the things that I knew. Would I just don't want to, would I just don't want to roll over in the middle of the night and think about that. Yes, replay, because my heart is so big.

Speaker 2:

And you know that about yourself. And, yes, you know that you can't afford to sink right. You can't afford that. You can't. You can't afford the luxury of even trying to sit with that. You can't. You can't afford the luxury of even trying to sit with that. You can't, because you're gonna wallow right, you're gonna wallow in it. And again it goes back to I know you said my mother, but I remember my brother was going through a lot of stuff and I remember she said to him you want to stay in that hole. I'm gonna always to always reach down, but I'm not going to sit there with you. I'm not, I can't sit in there with you. She the things that she would say to him, like I'm not going to sit in there with you. The same thing I've said to family members that I've been there, maybe it has happened in the neighborhood and after a while, when I realized you're going to do this, I love you, I'm going to pray. I told my one cousin, who I will say when you said that it clicked for him. I said I got the dress ready for the funeral, but I'm not going to watch you kill yourself. And he and I we're a month apart. Everybody that if you know me, you know him. If you know me, you know him. If you know him, you know me. We're a month apart. We ride hard. We are a month apart.

Speaker 2:

I'm the oldest in his house. He was making a lot of. He's lived with me. He's gotten out of prison, he's gotten out of Attica and come to. We're not with active duty. He was my best friend. We made a different choice. I can't, I can't keep running after you. I can't keep running the buildings when you're being held hostage. I can't watch you kill yourself. I won't watch you kill yourself. I'm telling you the last time he was. He's good, he bought a house, he's engaged, he's clean. He's not that person anymore, he's this person. Once I came to terms, it's part of that grief. I think too, with me working and volunteering with hospice, there is a grief process, even when they're still alive. And I had gone through it and I had prayed and I was. I was thinking, in the smile, of all the good times, all the fun times. You know the roller skating rink, the dance competitions. You know the swimming pools, the movies, crush Blues, you know.

Speaker 2:

Like bruising and we performed it. So I'm thinking about this stuff a lot. I'm thinking about that, you know, and he's good now and we're tight now and he's here, he's fully present, but he yeah.

Speaker 1:

That's beautiful, my goodness. Yeah, you are aware, you're aware of yourself, you're aware of those around you. It is awesome to see the light shine in you, through you and all around you. You are absolutely beautiful, ma'am. Thank you so much. I didn't get a chance in the episode to ask you this, so I'm going to ask you now Can you share with the confident you family some confident tips, some confident tips on just being.

Speaker 2:

Some tips. I've had so many mentors I probably forgot about some of them, but some tips that I would have for the confident you family would be enjoy, enjoy life. Give people enjoy, enjoy life. Give people, give yourself some grace and mercy. Know that a lot of times when someone's coming at you or towards you in a negative way, it's really not even about you. So if you can, you know, scrunch your toes and give them that grace and mercy. Give yourself that grace and mercy. Be approachable, have a smile on your face, count your blessings dearly when you're really down and you're overwhelmed, get up and go for a walk, play some music, go to the library, go do something good for someone else, because we're really all here together trying to figure it out, trying to have good feelings, trying to love on ours that we love good feelings, trying to love on ours on ours that we love, and to laugh and to experience everything that you can. And don't watch that news too much. That's what I would have for the Confident Youth family and love yourself, love and love yourself. Love yourself Like. Love yourself first. Like.

Speaker 2:

People talk about a why right, my? Why is my family my? Why is that? And this may be contrary. You know, and I don't have kids, right, but I think your first why has to be you. You have to be your first. Why has to be you? You have to be your first why? It's kind of simple for me, again, I don't have kids, but I'm my why, so that I can do what I need to do. For my other whys you can have more than one why, but your first why has to be you. So confident, you Stay being confident, stay learning, stay smiling, stay watching me, because it's only going to help you be more confident.

Speaker 1:

That's all I have you have much more than enough, ma'am. Oh, my goodness, exceeding abundantly above all. Yes, you do, my goodness, you said a whole mouthful. I'm like, ma'am, you gonna start me to talking again something about that love you. You got to come first. Young mother getting on the plane I just had my daughter, just turned 20 and had my daughter two months later. So I was 19 pregnant and I'm going, and so my daughter had to be maybe two months.

Speaker 1:

And I take going to take her to back to New York, to New York to see her dad's mom, for her to meet her dad's side, for them to meet our child. And I get on the plane and that stewardess stands there on a full plane that is going from Washington DC, reagan National, to LaGuardia in New York, and she looks at me, that little Black girl sitting there holding that little Black baby, and she gives the whole speech on how to save yourself. That mask, drop down. You put it on your face Because if you don't save yourself first, you won't have the energy, the air, the strength, the power, the mindset, the will to then hold that and save the baby. So make sure there is a plane full of people and she is only talking to me. That mask come down and you I need you to cover your face first, see, and you're going to want to take care of your baby, how are you going to do that? And you're falling out because you didn't get any oxygen. So now you and the baby you got to work on you Make sure you're good and you work on the baby Right, work on the best right.

Speaker 1:

That's the, the, so that whenever someone says save yourself first, I think that is thing. That is another thing that black people say oh, you're selfish, selfish. It's the same thing about money. You want money, oh you, oh you. That type of person, oh you. Greedy, oh you. This, oh you no. How am I going to help if I don't have the funds to help?

Speaker 2:

Steve Harvey said it the best way I can help a poor person is not be one of them. Say it again the best way I can help a poor person is not be one of them.

Speaker 1:

Steve, we never lie the best way I can help a poor person is not be one of them. Steve, you ain't never lie. Okay, so I'm going to need that book from the family, I think family got some work to do. Maybe I will Old boy's name. I don't know if that's old boy's name or that's the family name. What's the family name? I'm looking for a book.

Speaker 2:

We are. So my dad, I'm a Jackson, and my mother I'm a Wright and I'm a Culler.

Speaker 1:

That Jackson Wright McCullough joint got to come out and listen.

Speaker 2:

I'm a Jackson, you better get to work. I'm a Jackson, you only plant so many gardens.

Speaker 1:

That would be an amazing book. To have a book of Black sayings.

Speaker 2:

Yes, sir, we do it at our family reunion. I know the last day each table was stand up and have two things. We did it as a group. We wrote down sayings and we would write that and, like you know, we had a whole board full of them, you know.

Speaker 1:

and it was the book written already. I just need a book to be put in a book listen I'm gonna tell my mother and let that be the cover of the book. But inside the book you actually find the sayings and the little stories that go with each saying girl, don't talk to me. And you put it in a trust so that that money just keeps going to the thing.

Speaker 2:

Listen I talked to him about this trust, because I'm like we got all this land, but what we're doing with it? The snakes are having a ball. Why don't we set up some cell phone towers? Because we got a lot of dirt going on. But I'm like, so what are we doing with? We just want yeah, they're not. I want y'all keep talking about I literally have dirt, I have acres in my name, but y'all won't let me do nothing with it. I don't have a kiss. I'm gonna do it now. I'm gonna take a two-week cruise just to start. There's gonna be a cell phone tower, that's the whole.

Speaker 1:

I'm gonna need you to go ahead and do that. Now I'm telling about that book. I'm gonna need you to go ahead and do that. Now I'm telling you that book. I'm gonna need that.

Speaker 2:

I'm gonna tell my mother, I'm gonna call her and be like hello mother. I'm gonna tell mommy I love that. See, look at you, confident coach, there's a whole. I do have you doing the intros a confident coach. Confident Coach, there's a whole, I see. So we do have you doing the intros, a confident coach. And then the podcast. Yeah, yeah, you should just yeah this is good.

Speaker 1:

My goodness, it feels beautiful to be seen and to have your voice be appreciated. Thank you so much.

Speaker 2:

But not only. It's not even you being seen, you're helping others to be seen and to have your voice be appreciated. Thank you so much. It's not even you being seen, you're helping others to be seen. That is like you are not being selfish with your gift. So thank you, and for me, another thing that has been a blessing is my relationships with women. I feel bad for women. I don't have women for us, I feel so.

Speaker 1:

Right, that's what you need.

Speaker 2:

Right, that is so lonely to me, that is so. That is a ready power, right, that's like just that power and friendship with women.

Speaker 1:

yes, like when we get together, it's like like the other one we used to do yeah it's just something to see I can honestly say there were periods of my life, chunks of my life chunks where there weren't any, but I could say that there were not any around, that I would want yes, anyway. But now that I have placed myself and invested in myself and put myself in rooms where there are women, women worthy of holding conversations and learning from, such as miss jackson if you're next, no, it's yourself to be able to hold this beautiful conversation, you know that is something that a woman, you, you have to invest in yourself. It's like after a while, you have to stop saying pointing the finger outward and go okay, so what am I doing? Yes, where am I what? So what am I? Am I always talking? Negative is that's why people don't really want to sit down.

Speaker 2:

And having those women that are not only your children but they're going to check you. I've had my girls be like and I'd be like what the average interventionist is down on me.

Speaker 1:

And if you have the right caliber of people around you, you can trust that it's for your betterment that is I.

Speaker 2:

Just like I said, I can't. You know, some people want to like, try, I think, be petty because they're not happy about oh, you don't have any kids. Woe is you, I can't go there with you. But I can't go there and be sorry about that with you when I have so many people that love me, that don't even have to, they don't even share my DNA. That had been there for me. I had one best friend since I was 15 and she is well. The other one was from 96, so I was with them both this last weekend. Two Leos whoo God is good both of it.

Speaker 2:

Both are my Leos whoo and they're nice and they are amazing and they can do together and they actually. It's just powerful and it's love and it's support and it's encouragement, because we need that. We all need that and again what you do, that confidence piece and I love that your podcast is not just confident in business right, you're the law, right because I believe there are all sides.

Speaker 1:

People have all sides, so I want to hear all sides. People have all sides, so I want to hear all sides of you. I want to hear about you know everything highs, the lows, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, because beauty comes from ugly. Things get broken before they're made beautiful.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you're so good at it, before they're made. I know it's beautiful. Yeah, you're so good at it.

Speaker 1:

Listen for a child to get here.

Speaker 2:

That childbirth is some painful gut-wrenching oh Lord, Thank y'all for y'all service. Sweet child.

Speaker 1:

And then you have the most beautiful, delicate gentle. How did you?

Speaker 2:

produce, create. That is, I've been in two and I was not, not supposed to be, and I'm still resentful. Two births, yes, two births. But that's evidence that there is a God, that there's something bigger than us and that we have something to rise up to. Which, I'm sure, when you had your beautiful blessings, like look at them, like you, you like I said your daughter definitely is you right. And then two, you and your father can introduce them with your head held high. Yeah, right, yeah, and that's powerful.

Speaker 2:

I mean you also again within you, with your son, you also let them be who they are. And you know your kids. You know, again, I'm not a parent, you know, and I would tell people, well, you're not a parent, yeah, but I have a couple. I'm thankful that my mother knew her kids individually, just like you know yours, you know yours, you saw him early on, you know. So I would again, I'm not a parent, but when you're always watching, I would tell parents let your kids be who they are, don't live through that, because that's their life. You don't want to cripple them with the stuff that you wish that you did like, share that right, but let them live their lives and let them, be them and know that you poured so much into them that they're going to be okay.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, christless. Yes Know that you've poured so much into them that they're going to be okay. The thing that helps me be a parent and watch them do things or make choices and go okay is because I never forget myself going through that process.

Speaker 2:

It's a process right, it's a process. They got to go through it. They can't get around it.

Speaker 1:

Right, they can't avoid it, nope, and if you keep saving them from it, then they're just gonna be depending on you the rest of their life you're gonna cripple them, and in this world we can't afford that no, there are times, and there are times that I take care of them.

Speaker 1:

There are things that it's like, yeah, nah, you just need to be careful right now. That's that's just how it is right now. That's just what's gonna go down. But as soon as they back up on their feet, it's like all right, baby, I gotta go bye-bye, see you later. I'm like I just came to make sure this part right here you didn't come after my kid that you had. You know the things that you needed to survive. Okay, you good, you back on your feet, you standing, you can I'm out.

Speaker 2:

See you later you actually live into your faith. Yeah, that's a super. That is something that I think, covid, that was one of the pluses that you know, and I would tell my airman too. I don't care if your god, that's your choice or whatever you're gonna call him or her, if there's that pebble that you carry in your hand, but it has to be something bigger than you that you can lean into and that you can count on. That's a source you know, and that faith, right, that faith is irreplaceable, unrefutable, unwavering.

Speaker 1:

If you're smart, don't, don, but if you waver, you better set up how you get back. You better already set up your plan to get back. Whenever I feel like this, greater is he that's in me than he that's in the world. I walk by faith and not by sight. No weapon formed against me shall ever prosper. I'm more than a conqueror through Christ that's been for me. I'm the head and not the tail. I'm above and not beneath. All right, I'm good, woo. All right, wait a minute. They tried to get me. They tried to get me. I'm too tough to be ready for I'm in a fight with that word. And the crazy thing is the battle isn't even external. It's right here.

Speaker 2:

It would just be roaring. It's just up in there, just MMA. You know, it's just up there wrestling. It's just boxing, it's just, you know, it's just automatic weapons.

Speaker 1:

I was at church and the gentleman who got up to read the prayer literally said I looked at us, came across a statistic that we think 50,000 to 80,000 thoughts a day and 80% at minimum are negative, are negative. Yes, so that awareness that you're talking about is something you definitely need to have. I started, you said, journaling. I started to journal just the things I said to myself and realized there was a piece that I was saying to myself all day, every day, that was feeding me negatively. The fruit I was getting from it was negative because it started. I would say this and then it just started how everything else went. I would say this and it started everything, and I think this deals with your mental health. You want to have healthy mental. You need to know what you're thinking and saying to yourself. That is that is that's powerful.

Speaker 1:

You can't let anybody else talk to you that way, but you're talking to yourself that way, that right there, so what I kept saying to myself I would literally get up and go roll over. I'm tired, get up, go get in. I'm tired. Oh, my goodness, I'm tired. I lost count how many times it had become natural for me just to say it. I wasn't tired. I wasn't even tired, but because it was something I always said to myself without paying attention, I literally that was the first thing that would talk me out of doing any of the ideas I had. Oh, I could do that later. So that lazy thing that you were talking about before, that would be my. That's the trigger that would turn, or that's the saying I would say in my head. That would then spiral and keep me on this lazy hamster wheel. Yes, the procrastination became my boo and I didn't even know I was in a abusive relationship with this dude, but he kept showing up and you?

Speaker 2:

you kept letting them in.

Speaker 1:

I had to. I had to. So this podcast for me and being able to end the episode and go, oh my God, episode 25 done, that thing is coming from the depths of my soul because I did not allow procrastination. So, because I did not allow procrastination and I did not allow myself to keep saying I'm tired, I'm tired. That thing right there can kill, steal and destroy. That one phrase kill, steal and destroy.

Speaker 1:

I can tell you the things I was supposed to do, but because I started out with sin, I'm tired. Okay, well, let me just get a few minutes. No, it wasn't of rest. Let me rest my mind by turning on the TV and watching for a little bit, turning to two, two, turning to three for a little bit. Turn into two, two, turn into three. Well, yeah, it's late. Now I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to make sure tomorrow I knock that out Because I told myself so. Therefore, my body follows suit, my emotions followed suit. Yeah, let's add line there. And when I realized that that was a statement for me, I would always I advise people really listen to what you're telling yourself every day. I want you to come back and tell me what are those statements that you're saying and when you think about it, it's like, no, I'm not, I'm not tired. All week I realize, all day, every day, I say I'm tired when I realized that I was like.

Speaker 1:

I've been tired. Why am I waking up saying I'm tired?

Speaker 2:

Putting it out there.

Speaker 1:

The case. Guess what you need to do? Boo, because I found out. Wait, you are a little. You're not sleeping as well as you could, probably because you left that TV running all night. You can't go into that deep, deep, and if you can't turn this TV off without your mind reeling, then you need to turn this TV off without your mind really. Then you need to deal with whatever that is your mind is really about, and then you may want to put on some scriptures really soft in the background so you can just be with God as you rest.

Speaker 2:

Yes, talk to him, have a conversation with him.

Speaker 1:

I had to have an awareness to, to get my mind to the place where Confident you podcast could honestly have the coach to your confident voice sitting here doing what she does. But then I have to be attentive. Now that I'm aware, I still have to be attentive to the fact that that I could do that again. Yeah, make sure it doesn't happen again, to make sure I don't sabotage myself again it's important, it's the training right, it's the rethinking yes, training right, it's the rethinking.

Speaker 2:

Yes, and once you know it, you can't go back, you shouldn't go back. Yeah, that's true, you shouldn't go back, you shouldn't go back. I have, I've always told or I've said I'm intentionally ignorant. I ignorance is bliss for me. Sometimes there are things that and I say that it's like you said, because I'm an empathetic person I don't need to know everything. I need to know what works for me and the ones that matter to me.

Speaker 1:

But all that other stuff it just.

Speaker 2:

There's no value in that. Not for me, yeah, not for me, because I know me yeah.

Speaker 1:

Like attorneys not for me, yeah, not for me, because I know me. Yeah, like attorneys, they really love the law and the pieces and the facts about and all they love those real people life things. I can watch the show all day, but the real people life thing tugs on my heart so I have to pursue that. Yes, yes, so I don't take on everybody else's stuff and feel weighed down and heavy and I can't do my assignment exactly cautious of how the enemy can still kill the enemy will.

Speaker 1:

Now, the enemy I'm talking about is not just the external enemy, it's the enemy and the inner me, oh that's true. Yeah. And then when you said that whole lazy thing. I was like, ooh, is she going to say procrastination? What's she about to say?

Speaker 2:

Well, it's just the lazy, I don't you know I myself will always be a work in progress.

Speaker 2:

Ah, so it's. I never want to come from judgment. It's just that I'm speaking about this because when I actually am a real life mental health, I didn't just go on the internet and get a certificate, right, I've actually practiced, I've actually worked with people. I've actually, you know, seen the trauma. I've been a part of it, you know. And so I say these things not to just be judgmental or know-it-all Right, because you know we definitely we get about. Oh, I need some receipts. You know we definitely we good about it. I need some receipts, you know.

Speaker 1:

It's a new day and I'm going to need them receipts.

Speaker 2:

I'm okay with it. I'm okay, I'm okay with it. You know, especially if you're even doing real estate, homeownership has been fraught with racism and discrimination and our people not getting a little bit of the pie. When people come to me, they have a lot of distrust. I know our people, I've met our people, I am our people. I've met our people, I am our people. But eventually, now I am not going to have, we're going to have to figure this out. You're going to find another, another agent. You can't even look for a house. I have no reason to lie to you. I have no reason to lie to you. I have zero reason to lie to you. I want you to own. I'm telling you, for $100,000 you're not getting a four bedroom, three bath, moving ready home with a pool. Now, if you find one, you send it to me and I'll open the door. But I'm not just going to keep doing this with you. I'm not. I'm just not. I don't have it to do. I don't have it to do.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, that's a lot to ask for. For a little bit of investment, Okay.

Speaker 2:

This is a primary home someone is looking for. Wow, don't get me started. I heard you need some foreclosures. Even if it is, you don't have any cash money. So what are we doing here? Right, I want to give one of the four other deals. You don't have no money, you don't have the money, you don't have the skills. Then, if that does become available plus, don't you think that's kind of ghoulish? You want to wait for somebody else to lose their property?

Speaker 1:

Hey, my goodness it's coming. I guess they figure I'm going to get it one way or another, so I'm going to do the another, I'm not going to do the one way.

Speaker 2:

Listen, all my homes have been fixer uppers and for me there's a value, a value right, and then you can pay. You can have that house with the gray paint and the shiny you know light fixture and all that. You're gonna pay for it, you will pay for it, and it's a choice and I don't knock it for anybody right? You know, I I am a very good. Feelings are not facts. Buying a home is emotional, so I get that, but let's all stay centered. If we do, feelings are not facts and let's have these discussions together. And I love it and I love helping my people. I've helped so many people that are first time homeowners and I love it and I love helping our people. I've helped so many people that are first time homeowners and their families, and that just makes me cry and I'm happy and I don't care what your budget is, because I'm going to eat regardless right, right, that's all right, she got you.

Speaker 1:

I can't wait to visit because tell her I'm hungry. Right, that's all right. Grandma already said she got you. I can't wait to visit because, tell her, I'm hungry. I want to thank you again for standing to ask the party. It's the after party, listen, hey, don't do me like that.

Speaker 2:

Don't do me like that. You know it's 50 year hip hop this year, like this is 50 year hip hop oh, my goodness, it sure is.

Speaker 1:

And it all began with Grandmaster Flash and Figuring Out how to stop and connect those beats From one record to the next. He literally would take the record, slow it down and mark it with a crayon so he'd know where that beat Catch up with the other beat and where he could loop things around. And go back and forth.

Speaker 2:

And telling our stories. Telling our stories 8 million stories in the naked city, telling our stories, which was a source of comfort and empowerment and pride yes telling our stories we weren't alone.

Speaker 1:

you said to get out of your neighborhood, to get out of your said to get out of your neighborhood, to get out of your hood, to get out of your surroundings. That right there, just crossing boroughs, helped people to go wait they over there doing that, they over there doing that. And then to have the East Coast, west Coast wait they over there doing that. West Coast Wait they over there doing that, wait they over there doing it just brought, it made it much broader for people who weren't in the military to step up and go and do and see. I want to thank you for getting up tonight and coming and speaking and sharing. You gave great wisdom and great value in just being an amazing person.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, Mary.

Speaker 1:

Color not necessary, just an amazing person Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Great investment in the platform and all of those that will be able to lean from it for what this is. The World Wide Web. Yes, ma'am, from around the world. You know so. Thank you so much. I appreciate you staying in the after party. I always feel like that after conversation, people have no idea. It's like nah, I don't know, we go in, we still go in. So, yeah, I just wanted to share that. Thank you so much. All right, y'all.

Speaker 1:

We'll see you in the next episode of Confident you.