Confident You NETWORK with Marion Swingler

NAVIGATING LIFE'S BETRAYALS: Briaina Latrice on Rebuilding Trust, Healing After Infidelity, and Embracing Self-Worth

April 23, 2024 • Marion Swingler • Episode 33

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Welcome back to your beacon of empowerment, the "Confident You, Fam"! 

Why do those who seem to do the most harm glide through life unscathed? Brianna Latrice, the infidelity coach, returns to the fold to challenge this perplexing question, bringing her unique insights and bold new projects to the table. Our exchange cuts deep into the nature of human behavior, morality, and the pain that seems to evade the wicked. We're also peeling back the curtain on imposter syndrome, providing you with the tools to combat those nagging doubts, inspired by Brianna's enlightening TEDx talk.

This episode is a heartfelt journey through the treacherous terrain of trust — what it means to rebuild it and the delicate balance between forgiveness and healing. Together with Brianna, we traverse the milestones of setting realistic goals and fostering communication for those navigating the aftermath of betrayal. We unpack the role that life coaches, mentors, and the individuals involved play in maintaining forgiveness while wisely navigating past triggers. It's about walking the line between remembering and moving forward.

As we wrap up our discussion, we invite you into the world of healing after infidelity, a landscape Brianna is profoundly familiar with. You'll hear about the resources she offers, from discovery coaching calls to boundary-setting ebooks, and get a sneak peek into her upcoming events, including a devotional book and the Dallas-Fort Worth 'Dancing Through Love' event. The conversation is an affirmation of self-worth and the possibility of life beyond betrayal, setting the stage for the next season, where we'll continue to uplift and inspire with special guests like Shay.

CHAPTERS:
0:00 - Introduction to Briaina Latrice
2:00 - Understanding Lysa's Story
7:19 - Unpacking the Myth: Evil People and Pain
13:58 - Trust Rebuilding Criteria
18:20 - Expectations vs. Reality in Relationships
21:50 - Overcoming the Past: Strategies to Move Forward
27:10 - Dealing with a Remorseless Partner
29:45 - Self-Worth Realization Techniques
38:04 - Healing from Mutual Infidelity
41:30 - Revenge Dynamics in Relationship Recovery
44:10 - Infidelity Impact on Children
49:04 - Afterparty Details and Invitation
51:10 - Connecting with Briaina Latrice
55:00 - Concluding Confidence Boost
58:14 - Farewell Outro

CONTACT:
Book A Free Discovery Call: https://calendly.com/affairrecoverycoach/15min?month=2023-07
Website: https://lifeafterinfidelity.net/
Email: affairrecoverycoach@gmail.com
Phone: 469-956-9979

FOLLOW ON:
TikTok and Instagram: Life_After_Infidelity_

FREE E-BOOK:
Boundaries: A Playful Journey To Relationship Bliss - Questions E-book: https://tinyurl.com/Boundary-Ebook 
 
COMING SOON:
Devotional: Healing the Heart From Infidelity, A 49 Day Journey 
Book: Where Healing Wants You To Be: Life After Infidelity Vol 1

EVENT: 
Dancing Through Love on Feb 10, 2023

PODCAST:
Life After Infidelity Podcast
https://www.youtube.com/@UCde6r8RV_Dc1Tcbx81pkJAQ 
_________________________________________________________________
FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELP
Call for more information on domestic abuse or to get help for yourself/someone you love. 
Bethany House
1-888-80HELPS  
1-888-804-3577

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 
1-800-799- SAFE
1-800-799-7233 
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Speaker 1:

Hey, marian Swingler, confident you Podcast. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for believing in yourself enough to press the button to go. You know what I need? To get some more confidence in this area. I actually want to make sure that if someone comes to me, I have more confidence in this area. Confidence to speak on the subject of why evil people don't hurt. Now, I know that sounds a bit out there. You're like wait, what Evil people don't hurt? Yes, we are about to talk about this, but for this discussion I had to bring someone back. There was only one person that I wanted to have this conversation with. She's actually my girl. We started talking and I was like wait, pause, we're going to bring this to the confident you audience.

Speaker 1:

So, coming back from episode 22,. If you have not seen episode 22, you are definitely missing a valuable component. If you are in relation, in a relationship thinking about being in a relationship you're in marriage, thinking about marriage. Listen, there is a component of marriage that you don't want but you have to be able to see clearly. So that is she is the infidelity coach. It's amazing. Who needs a coach for that? Someone who's been hurt, someone who doesn't understand what's going on. So this is why I brought her back for this conversation, because just we were talking and I was like, well, evil people don't hurt. And she's like wait, I have an opposite thinking of this. So bringing back the one, the only, the amazing, listen, phenomenal woman. She is Brianna Latrice.

Speaker 1:

Hi Hello hello, hello, you beautiful. Listen. I want to remind my audience exactly who you are. Listen, brianna is a captivating TEDx speaker. Listen, founder of Life After Infidelity and a fair recovery coach. Listen, and a fair recovery coach. Listen. An affair recovery coach how profound. And host of Life After Infidelity podcast. Listen. The reason she is so well-versed, the reason that she has the insight that she has, is because of her own personal experience. That's why she's here today. I have some personal experience and she has some personal experience, but hers. She has fine-tuned and horned in on exactly what it means to be an affair recovery coach and I'm honored that you would take the time to join us yet again. How are you, donna?

Speaker 2:

I'm doing well, would take the time to join us yet again. How are you, donna? I'm doing well. Thanks for having me back.

Speaker 1:

No problem at all. I appreciate you answering the call to come back and discuss this topic of why evil people don't hurt Now, before, don't nobody need you. Yes, I had to get real, real, don't make that face. Don't make that face we're going to get into it.

Speaker 2:

You already know how I feel.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I know, but they don't know. But before we even get into that, I want you to tell people just a little bit of the things that you've been doing since episode 22. What is it that you have been up to?

Speaker 2:

Oh, yes, so well. Yeah, I had lunch my podcast when we when we did our episode, yeah, Wrapping up my 49 day devotional, and so I'm excited because at the top of 2024, I'll be releasing my first book and actually put an author behind my name. So that will be exciting. I'm getting ready to launch my first event. So if you're in the Dallas area, february of 2024 is actually going to be February the 10th I'm going to be doing a dancing event called Dancing Through Love. So if you're a woman you love dancing, or you don't love dancing, but you just want to be around a lot of women and learn how to love on yourself and love your body, come on out to the Dancing Through Love event. And other than that girl just staying busy, you know promoting life after inf, infidelity, finishing up this book and trying to help save the world trying to help save the world.

Speaker 1:

You know, I just want y'all to know how modest she is. Please let them know what your ted talk was on. Oh, what did I do? What did I do because?

Speaker 2:

people always tell me this stuff all the time. They're like you just started giving yourself credit for everything that you do. I was just in another uh podcast episode and the girl was she said the same thing. She was like wait, you have a tedx too. I was like, okay, I okay, yeah, so, um, I also have a tedx talk out. Um, and it actually was over imposter syndrome and I love the name. It's called Dear Imposter Syndrome. It's the lie for me. And so, yeah, I have a TEDx talk and it's over imposter syndrome.

Speaker 1:

Oh, no, no, no, no, no In the ebook. Yeah, no, no, no, yes, no, no, no. You're going to give me just a little bit. Hey, what did I do? I don't deserve what Ted got you. Give the confident you audience just a little bit. Sum it up, just just just a taste. So that's all right, let's hear it.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so, yeah, so, um, in the TEDx talk I you know, I just talked about, like for the most part, um, a lot of overachievers. What is imposter syndrome? Right, it's basically where people who are really successful actually doubt themselves and feel like they're an imposter. So typically you'll see that, like in overachievers.

Speaker 2:

Maya Angelo actually talked about how she always felt like she was an imposter, even though she had the proof in the pudding. Right, Everybody in the world doesn't know Maya Angelou and she even talked about that, and so in the TEDx talk, I just kind of give you some tips and tools for how to be aware of if you are dealing with imposter syndrome, but then how to combat those thoughts, because the thing is, the proof is in the pudding, and so just trying to help overachievers to stop doubting themselves and helping them to know that if they're in the room, it's because they're deserving to be in the room. It doesn't have anything to do with, you know, needing some DEI numbers to be up and stuff like that, but you are definitely deserving of the space that you are in because you've worked hard to be in that space.

Speaker 1:

You worked hard to be in that space. You worked hard to be in that space. You are definitely deserving to be in that space. Well, we welcome you here. You are definitely deserving to be in this space in this time, with us discussing why evil people don't hurt, and you shake your head nay okay.

Speaker 1:

So this is why I say evil people don't hurt. I don't, uh, I don't even, um, mean it in the sense of that people are evil, because I know that that, uh, ephesians 6, 12s talk about. We wrestle not against principality of flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers and might, and so I know that there is a spirit. And what I mean by don't hurt is have you ever let me give this example to the affair recovery coach have you ever been cheated on and then you just felt like that person didn't feel anything. You're asking questions and there's just a blank look there.

Speaker 1:

So that's where I'm referencing that statement, why evil people don't hurt. Because I just want to investigate how they can just stand there, anyone who's been cheated on, and the person is nonchalant about it, or they just the sorry is so empty and you feel that there's no weight to the apology. That's what I mean by evil people don't hurt. But you even brought it closer to home with the title of your ted talk imposter syndrome. Do you think that there's a such thing as, as I did it and I really didn't mean to do it I did it, I didn't mean to do it. I did it, I didn't mean to do it, or I did it and I didn't mean to do it in terms of hurting you, did you just get?

Speaker 2:

killed. I did. I took a very, very deep, deep breath, because you know what I think. If the person comes to you, then yeah, I think that I could buy that a little bit in terms of I didn't mean to hurt you. If they just come out and say it, because what that tells me is like, okay, they've thought about it, it's killing them inside and I just want to get this. You know, I want to get this out in the open and move forward, hopefully restore the relationship. But if you found out about your other person, you know you caught your person, and then they say that I think what they're really saying is that I didn't mean to get caught. Ok, ok, I mean, that's how I take it.

Speaker 1:

Ok, well in the stay in the vein of why evil people or the evil deeds that people do, they don't really hurt from them. Your faith was not one in agreement in the statement that I made evil people. Can you explain why?

Speaker 2:

yeah, so you know, what I said was that evil people do hurt. They just show it differently. So, instead of like where you have a lack of you know, where you have empathy and compassion and understanding, that is typically voided in people who are still hurt. You know what I'm saying. And so it seems like they have this thick skin and they're able to move past stuff and nothing shakes them, but it's not because, honestly, they can't move on, because they're battling with their own internal you know I won't say demons, but their own internal monsters inside of themselves. And so you know, when you say they don't hurt, they actually do hurt. It's just that they're hurting inside. It's just that they're hurting inside.

Speaker 1:

Okay, with them hurting inside. How much compassion am I supposed to have? Because I have literally have had conversations with people who have been cheated on, male and female, and they have said I have been a part of the conversation and have said, listen, that person who cheated had no remorse whatsoever. There was kind of a arrogant and like what did you expect? Look at me, or what did you expect? It's me, or what did you? You know, what did you expect? You're not doing this or that, or not available, or whatever it is, but there's always a a, but I don't feel a hurt, I don't feel remorse, I don't feel see it's, it's not evident. I don't see any evidence of pain. How do you, how, how do you of pain? How do you, how, how do you? You're sitting there, you have been bawling. We won't say me. I can say me bawling, crying, snot running down my face. Are you laughing?

Speaker 2:

at my hey, no, no, no, I'm laughing at the memories because I've been there too. Friend, did you say?

Speaker 1:

isn't it a beautiful thing you, oh, that's so, that's so beautiful. I'm laughing at the memory. Okay, we'll talk about the healing of that. We'll talk about the healing of the. I have been there and I know how that feel. I have been there for people and seen them go through it and I just know how that feels to have that nonchalant disregard. So that's why I'm like evil people or that evil deed that someone just did. It seems as though it appears as though all the evidence points to you know, you're not hurting, you don't care, this isn't bothering you. How do you guide people in a situation as a recovery coach for infidelity? How do you? How do you guide people through looking at someone who's showing no remorse?

Speaker 2:

yeah, um. So there is a thing like where? Um, because you know, my tagline is removing the shame of your decision to leave our state, because I, you know, I don't subscribe to the belief that once a cheater, always a cheater. There have been lots of marriages that you know have started, you know, have had infidelity in them but have since healed and are better, honestly, because of those infidelities, right, um, but what I always teach my clients is you really need to learn. If that can't, if that person is a candidate to rebuild trust with. And I've learned that a lot of people are lacking how to determine if this person is a good candidate to rebuild trust with. And so what that looks like is there's a couple of things. The first thing is accountability. The first thing is accountability.

Speaker 2:

So, when you know the betrayal is brought up to the person, how do they respond? Is it I, I, I, I, I, or is it you, you, you, you, you, right? And so a lot of times, if it's you, you, you, you, you, meaning that your partner is putting all the blame on you for why they cheated, for why they stepped away, and this doesn't deal with infidelity. I had another woman, I was at a conference, speaking, and she came up to me and she was like I want you to know that my husband hasn't cheated on me, but it's ending in divorce. And she was like but what you're teaching applies to me as well, and if I would have known this, it would have implied to me as well, and if I would have known this, it would have implied to me. So, just know, this doesn't just apply to infidelity, but accountability. So when you bring up, you know, an offense to your partner, how do they respond to that offense? You know, um, so do they take accountability? The second part to that is are they really trying to understand where you're coming from, you know, and how that offense has truly made you feel, right? So are they downplaying the offense of like oh well, look at me. Oh well, you weren't giving me sex at home. Oh well, you know, look how you dress every day, you know? Are they really trying to understand how this offense has affected you, right? Um?

Speaker 2:

The third part, which I honestly believe is one of the most important pieces to this, is ability, right, and basically what that means is that does this person have the ability to be the partner that you want to build with and grow a future with, because that's the, that's the space that a lot of um, I don't really deal with a lot of men, so I'm I'm speaking to what I, you know, what I know, and it's women, and that's the space that, um, a lot of women deal with is that they get stuck in the letting go and they stay stuck in situations longer than they should have.

Speaker 2:

And so when you see how a person is responding or how a person is treating you, but yet we still continue to, you know, you know, we've all been there we stay in relationships longer than, and we know they don't have the capacity and the ability to be who we want them to be or to be what we desire out of any type of relationship and shoot even friendships right.

Speaker 2:

And so then, um, the last part to that is um and girl look, I'm making sure I want to give them, because I actually um revamped them a little bit, but then, um, the next part to that is a track record. So, after you guys have talked about all of these things, what's the track record? Are they actually following through with the things that you said that you need from them? Are they actually honoring, you know the request that you've asked in order to rebuild and to restore the trust, whatever it was that broke it things. There's a lot of um, like a lot of steps within those four that I just listed out, but it's definitely like a whole process of learning. If this person you know, you can rebuild with them. Rebuild okay.

Speaker 1:

Learning if you could rebuild trust with them is very important. That track record, how what? I apologize, but I'm cracking up on the inside because I know what I want to say. I want to make sure it comes out the way I mean it to come out. What is the percentage? What is the realistic percentage of what you want? After you've said that, what should you really expect If someone has been this way for this long? How much should you expect Because I don't do. You think that you're just going to see 100% of? Okay, here we go. The track record has totally made an adjustment. What is that ratio looking like?

Speaker 2:

yeah. So you're saying like as far as like it's not going to be an immediate result, or right, like what's the graduation through through that progress?

Speaker 1:

yeah, that's a really good question.

Speaker 2:

I'm glad you asked that because, for sure, that's a really good question. I'm glad you asked that, because, for sure and that's one thing that I always talk about, right Is that trust trust isn't built overnight and also understanding that forgiveness and trust are two completely different things. Right, so you forgive the person, that means that you're forgiving them for the offense. However, that does not mean that the trust is completely restored. Okay, two separate things. So I forgive you for the, for the offense. So that's basically the starting line. Right, because I'm cutting off, you know, holding you responsible in a sense, for the offense, right? So that's, I'm cutting that off. Right? However, you're starting now where you have to rebuild that trust.

Speaker 2:

And we all know, right, when we get into new relationships and I'm talking about friendships, partnerships, business ships, work ships you know you don't just start off trusting them 100% of the time, right? So there's small things that I have them work towards to see if, hey, you're going to honor that thing, right. And so you start off with small things because you're not supposed to give your heart all the way to this person who has betrayed it once, right? So in order to protect yourself, you have to start off really small, and so what they do is they typically have the conversation. Or I'll have my client have the conversation with her partner about what are the things that she needs to see right now. Right, that can be like some immediate gratification.

Speaker 2:

I need you to find an accountability partner or a mentor, right. Or find you a life coach, because a lot of them will say, hey, I have a life coach that's helping me and our fair recovery coach is helping me. I need you to go find you one, right, and that's it One step right. And then you say, okay, when can I expect this to be done? Or you can say, hey, three weeks, let me know how it goes, you finding something. If they come back to you in three weeks and they haven't even started looking, they haven't put forth no effort. You know, I'm saying that's a track record, that's letting me know, okay, they're not serious about investing in this. And so when you talk about rebuilding trust, rebuilding trust happens incrementally over time. You can forgive. Building trust happens incrementally over time. You can forgive. You no longer hold that offense against them, but that doesn't mean that the trust is completely restored.

Speaker 1:

How do you, as the person you're saying, you no longer hold that offense against them? How do you help yourself to not do that? I know people that bring things up, constantly, bringing up the past after saying I forget. How would you help guide someone in that situation from doing that, from keep let's stop. If you say you for forgiven. This is what it looks like.

Speaker 2:

See, and that's the thing, I kind of hate saying it that way, because people will always be like, oh, she's saying that you need to. Just you know, don't bring it up to you know, anything like that. And that's not what I'm saying right.

Speaker 2:

Because you're going to have triggers and those triggers are going to come back up, right, but here's what that looks like Because, again, if you have a person that has shown you that he takes accountability, that has shown you that he understands, that has shown you that he has the ability to rebuild that trust right, when you do what you do is you guys have this conversation and this is actually one of those baby steps that we talk about too is like like, hey, I'm going to be triggered and when I'm triggered, I'm going to text you and let you know. Hey, I'm having a moment right now. Um, how can you reassure me? Right, and that's uh, actually something that I just had happen with another client is, uh, she decided to stay with her partner and they, they actually worked it out. He is a great person. He is doing so much better. It's just, it's amazing. It makes me excited.

Speaker 2:

But she did, she would actually, they had, they had that conversation and she even told him. She said, hey, I'm working on my healing journey and at that time, she hadn't even forgiven him yet and she was like, I'm working, going forgiving you, but you instead of me, when I am triggered, responding in anger, you know, and calling you up and talking crazy to you you know what I'm saying and yelling and screaming. Here's what that's going to look like If I hit you up and I just text you and I'm like, hey, today I'm having a bad day, I've been triggered by that. I heard a song, or you know.

Speaker 2:

I remember the text message that I saw that you sent the girl, and then they talk about okay, well, what do you need from me when you need those triggers? Because, at the end of the day, it's really just about communication. So you have to learn how to communicate with your partners so that you can because this is going to be difficult, right, rebuilding trust after betrayal of any kind is going to be difficult, and you have to know how to communicate. So you have to have that open communication.

Speaker 1:

Open communication is definitely something you need in every relationship. Just as you said, how do you open communication again with that person that I feel this event was something that was evil towards me, or that's how I felt after it happened. But I just feel like you're not hurt, i'm'm not getting any any, any remorse, I'm not feeling anything. How do I then communicate anything to that person, or is there a limit to how much I'm even trying to communicate to that person?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so you're saying that the person has created an offense against you, but they don't have any remorse for what they've done?

Speaker 1:

yes um.

Speaker 2:

So my answer to that would be you don't you know? If that person has shown you that they have a lack of remorse for you and how you are as a person, then it is time for you to acknowledge the truth to you and say hey, it's time for me to make this hard decision to leave this relationship. And again, that's where I say, like, a lot of people stay in situations longer than they should because they find it hard to let go. You know what I'm saying and that's the thing. I think that in in any form of betrayal, we all have to do a bit of self-reflection as well, and we all have to look at the facts of like, okay, well, how is this person responding, you know? And then you have to say, okay, this person isn't showing that he care for me or she cares for me. You know, I'm saying are my feelings. And so that's when you have to have that hard conversation with yourself and say look, I deserve better, I deserve more.

Speaker 1:

And it's going to be hard, but I'm gonna walk away from this yes, yes, yes, it is going to be hard, but I'm going to walk away from this. Do you feel like there is a situation or a statement that you can give to the person that stays? The person that stays and the person is still in a disrespectful state? I don't. I think it's beyond disrespect. It's at some point you have to just feel yeah, you have to feel the abuse of the situation. How do you guide someone through? What does that look like? When you say you have that hard conversation with yourself? How do you guide someone through that hard conversation with yourself? Mm, hmm.

Speaker 2:

Mm. Hmm, you just state the facts of the reality, right? So what that would look like is OK, brianna, the person that I've chosen to stay with, I've asked them to do X, y, z to make me feel seen, to make me feel validated, to make me feel secure, and they haven't done that. So what is it in me that is allowing myself to be mistreated to this capacity by this person? You know, what is it in me that is attracted to wanting to stay in something that I am getting treated less than? Why am I afraid? What is this fear of leaving connected to? What is this fear rooted in? What is this fear attached to? Why can't I leave, knowing that this person isn't showing up and giving me what I said that I need and you know those are hard questions to really ask yourself. But you have to ask yourself and you have to be true and accepted right, Because that's the first thing is, you have to be truthful with yourself and you have to state it.

Speaker 2:

Look, I've tried to make it work with this person. I've said I wanted to stay with this person, but the reality is that this person is still treating me like a dog. This person is still cheating on me, and at what point am I going to look at myself and love myself enough to say you don't get to treat me less than what I. You know what I, what I know that I deserve. You know what I, what I know that I deserve. There's a saying that says you will allow people to treat you one step lower than you treat yourself. So if you allow people to walk all over you treat you like dirt. Then I have to ask you what are the things that you're saying to yourself in your alone time and your quiet time in your mind? Work on that. See who you are, see yourself, and once you learn how to love yourself, then it's then, then then you you won't allow anybody else to treat you less than you treat yourself. There it is.

Speaker 1:

Once you learn how to love yourself. How do you help someone even see that? I know people, that it's saddening to me to be in the presence of someone who does not see their greatness, to the magnitude, to the, to the depths that they put themselves under in every situation, in every situation. How do you help that person even understand? Okay, you're looking at me and you saying, oh, you deserve this and you deserve that, and you. But then, when you talk about yourself, you're smiling. What do you want to say?

Speaker 2:

I just love the question. I see where you're going, so I'm just like I love it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, cause you're talking to yourself, you're talking so it's like you're derogatory, it's, it's now I'm, because I'm speaking into. What you're saying is, if you don't see the value in yourself, then why would you expect someone to treat you any more? I can't say better than the way you're treating yourself, but I don't know any other term to say in this moment how can you allow someone? Why would you think anyone would? But then I look at the person. They don't think that Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. What do you do in those instances, instances, mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

Mm-hmm. Yeah, do you do in those instances instances.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, how do you get someone to see themselves, the value in them? How do you help someone to see themselves? Because you know, if someone gets cheated on and that's my good girlfriend, she coming to her other good girlfriend and you're sitting there like dude, but you're amazing, you're this, you're that, you're and you're trying to convince them how do you get them to see it? Is there an exercise? Is there something?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So typically, you know, depending on what level, what state of mind they're in, I might ask a couple of different questions, right? And so one question that I love to ask people is what are you angry at? You know, because what you'll find is that women who've been cheated on they suppress so much, right, that they haven't really gotten to the core of what they're truly angry at right.

Speaker 2:

I was at a conference. I was speaking at a conference a couple of weeks ago and a lady got up to ask me a question because her husband had cheated on her and, you know, she broke down after I got through answering her question. She just broke down, right, and so I got off of the stage and I went down to her and I was like you're angry, aren't you? And she was like yeah, and I was like, well, what are you, aren't you? And she was like yeah, and I was like, well, what are you angry about, you know? And she's just crying, and I'm like I said, what are you angry about? And I was like you're angry that he cheated on you, right? She was like, yeah, I was like you're angry that he left with the other woman and didn't stay with you, right. Yeah, I was like you're angry that you lost your baby and he still hasn't hit you up to say, hey, how are you doing after the loss of our child, right? And she was like yes, and I was like, so, say all the stuff that you're angry about? And she was like I'm angry that you broke me, I'm angry that you hurt me, I'm angry that you didn't choose me.

Speaker 2:

And that is where you get to see yourself, because for so long you have been living in the shadows of fakeness, you have been living in the shadows of this mask, where you're making yourself appear like you, gucci, like you moved on, like you've healed. And so that's why I say hurt, people haven't moved on. Hurt, people haven't seen themselves. They're living in a mask and showing up in that hurt. They're living in a mask and showing up in that hurt, but that hurt is so broken that the hurt that they're doing to other people doesn't even penetrate through them. And so what does it look like? It's allowing me to show them and to pull out all of the things that they really feel, all of the things that they're ashamed of, all the things that they're hurt about, all the things that they're embarrassed at. I get them to call those out and then, once they release that, we got an empty canvas and we can start the healing.

Speaker 1:

Come on here, we got an empty canvas and we can start the healing. Listen, where's the paint? She ready, she ready. Listen, where's the paint? She ready, she ready, listen, yes, mona Lisa Ricasso.

Speaker 2:

Ricasso yes.

Speaker 1:

So I what? What does that look like? You start painting. What's the first step? What is the first thing you get? You now have this blank canvas. What do you get?

Speaker 2:

Acceptance. So, after you know, they call it out. So you know, I call it a pity party is what I call it. I call it a first step of pity party, which is allowing them to call out you know everything that they're angry about, their hurts. Letting them just cry it all out. And then the next part to that is just accepting it right and having you to state it hey, my marriage ended in infidelity, my husband cheated on me. But it takes a lot to get there where you can actually start sharing your story with other people. But for you, the first step is to actually accept it Right. And so once you accept, like everything that has happened, that means that you've acknowledged it Right, because we can't fix what we don't acknowledge.

Speaker 2:

So now that you've accepted it and it shows that you're acknowledging it, then we can navigate towards going back again and looking at those things of like okay, well, why did I attract that type of person? Why did I allow that behavior for so long? What you know in asking those really deep rooted questions, what is this that this fear attached to? Is it rejection that I'm dealing with, that I have an issue with? Is it abandonment? Because we all know that a lot of things always go back to, like those childhood wounds, right, and mine was rejection and abandonment. So that's why I kind of bring those up a lot, but really kind of getting down to the, to the core of okay, what is it?

Speaker 2:

And then from there, you know, just navigating through it like okay, one of the things that I have a worksheet that I have my clients do too is asking themselves questions about trust. You know how do they feel about trust, how does trust show up in their lives? Right? What is their relationship with trust? You know, and just getting them to see that.

Speaker 2:

But the next thing is forgiveness. But it's forgiveness of self, because we don't worry about getting, we don't worry about I don't worry about for my clients forgiving the betrayer until later on in the process. But we can't do anything and we can't move forward in any other steps until they forgive themselves. And you have to forgive yourself for everything. Forgive myself for staying longer than I should. Forgive myself for turning my head when I would see you send a text message to that chick and I didn't say anything. Forgiving you, forgiving myself for going back when I said I was done the fifth time and I still took you back and you still cheated. You know what I'm saying. There's so many things that you're angry with you at, and you've got to learn how to forgive yourself for those.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so let's back up just a little bit the infidelity you find out about infidelity in your marriage, in your relationship, and then you turn ugly. You start with infidelity in the relationship. How do you help someone when they did it as a get back? Yeah, how does that have? How does that? What is the process of unwrapping that to help someone heal? Look like, because I know it's your mission to help people heal from infidelity. But what happens when it happens to you and then you end up taking up the same crime oh, baby, day seven in my 49 day devotional is titled get your lick back.

Speaker 2:

Well, it's titled get my lick back, right, but you know it actually addresses that. It addresses exactly what you said. Um, because a lot of people are so hurt I was actually. I actually did a call with a client and she was like I'm not gonna lie to you, brianna, I did get my lick back, you know, and my question always is oh, how'd that make you feel?

Speaker 1:

How'd that work out for you Go?

Speaker 2:

I'm sorry I had to interrupt you may be, drink, yet everybody who has told me that they've gotten their lick back and cheated back on their partner because their partner cheated on them, tells me that it did not help their hurt, so responding with revenge, you thinking that you're going to get up on them. It's. It's never as satisfying as you think it is and in the end it actually causes you more pain ah you know, what type of pain are you referring to?

Speaker 2:

um, because let's say, even if you want to rebuild the trust back, so now y'all both gotta figure, you know like, but now y'all both have to, and you learn that you you've just built a hole deeper for the relationship, right, um, and like I said, it's, it's not, it's not making you feel any better from the previous offense, you know.

Speaker 2:

And so now you're, you're, more broken because you're confused about okay, yeah, I slept with this dude, but now you gotta come. Not only are you now dealing with your hurt, now you're having to deal with your partner's hurt and convince your partner that xyz didn't mean anything to you. And so now what you're creating is what was something that was hurtful and that could potentially potentially, you know, you guys could work through. Now you're creating this toxic situation, right, and that becomes almost like unbearable, where you just it just becomes toxic. You know I gotta go on and on about that, but yeah, you, you, typically, when you try to respond with revenge, you just make the situation worse and it never makes you feel as better as you, as you thought it would make you feel okay.

Speaker 1:

Have you ever dealt with someone you were talking about revenge. Have you ever dealt with someone who took the revenge out in a different manner? Someone cheated and then you did a financial transaction that was just again abusive to the relationship, because you knew. You knew this money was set aside for this, or it was for the car that was being saved, for, the home that was being saved for, and now you have just plummeted the finances and now they have to be rebuilt, or it's just a deeper trench that you put yourself in. How do you see that playing out or recovery from something like that?

Speaker 2:

So I haven't dealt with that personally, but it's funny because I have a friend that's a therapist and one of her clients is dealing with that because you know he cheated and then, um, so now she's spending all of the money, but they have kids, you know, and um, it's like at the end, at the end of the day, like, why would you put yourself through? Like because you're suffering as well and if you have kids, your kids are suffering as well, like if you're going in debt because you think that you're getting your partner back by going and buying something that you guys know that you can't afford. It's like to me, it shows me that that's where your mindset is, and so it. You're not. You're not looking at restoration, right, you're just looking at revenge.

Speaker 2:

And that would be where because that would be where I would even look at the betrayer and say, look, they toxic too. You know, I'm serious because it's like I get it that you know, when we're hurt and a lot of times we don't necessarily think about our actions and things like that, because we just want the other person to hurt as bad as we're hurting. But I think that when you don't consider, like, how that could affect, you know your housing situation, where you going to sleep and eat. You know it's like I don't, because I haven't necessarily dealt with that as a client, but I would say that to me, when you make decisions like that, that um affects more than you um, and especially if you have kids, it can affect your kids, like you're showing that you you're you're selfish as well and you you're not caring about restoration.

Speaker 1:

Hmm, Selfish as well and not caring about restoration. How do you think this plays out on the children that are there? Do you find that the having children component? Do you find that people will stay because of children longer in infidelity? How do you help someone who's on that path?

Speaker 2:

yeah, most women do stay longer because of their children, but one of the things that I'm finding and that I'm telling my women is that your kids already know. So, to me, what I, what I'm learning right from the women that I'm working with, is that they use the kids as a crutch, but really they're afraid to leave. But it's easy, because they have kids to say, oh, I'm staying for my kids. No, you're not, you're just afraid to leave, and so that's what we're going to tackle. We're're gonna tackle the fear behind you leaving.

Speaker 2:

Um, I even had a client a couple of weeks ago tell me that her parent her kids came to her and was like mommy, we know you're sad, we know what dad is doing, you know what I'm saying and, um, she was just talking about how her anger has been trickling down to her kids, like she's being angry with them now and you know, just snappy and um, her kids. They brought it to her attention and I've I've heard that a lot of times where people have been like, why are you still with dad, you know, and so I would say that you can't, don't use your kids as a reason for why you're staying, and I'm having our brother, shay Willis come on my show, because that's one thing too is that a lot of women that I'm working with, too, who are afraid to leave especially they have kids, is because of finances Right, and if you have a toxic partner, they may threaten you with finances and say they're not going to help support, and so what I do is work with my clients on getting a safety plan together. So how can you prepare to actually leave? And so we develop a safety plan, and that's one of the things that Shay is going to come on and talk about is getting that budget in order. You know what I'm saying Making sure your numbers and everything are in a row so that you can leave, you know, and not have to worry about anything financially from that, from that other partner.

Speaker 1:

My goodness, shay's coming on there, that's going to be an episode.

Speaker 2:

That is going to be amazing yeah, because a lot of women talk about that. They're like I want to leave, but he is the sole um, you know, income in the house and I won't be able to make it by myself, and so that's why I'm staying and that's that's valid right. But no one should have to stay in a situation where they're severely unhappy because of finances and so just developing that safety plan to get you prepared. Now, when I left but again I didn't have kids, but when I left my partner and this was just like the first time I left them I only had ten dollars to my name. I only had $10 to my name, so my mom had to finish paying, like my cell phone bill. One of my cousins cashed at me a big sum of money to get me through the rest of the month. One of my close friends took me to the grocery store and brought me groceries for the rest of the month, so I just made the decision to leave because I couldn't take it anymore.

Speaker 2:

But other people don't. But I say that to say this when you do make the decision to step out on faith, god is going to bring those blessings to you, and so a lot of times we're overthinking things and all God is saying is I want you to trust me, don't look at. You know saying don't look at the present, don't look at what. What is saying right now. Just step out on faith. And that's what I did. I did, I stepped out on faith. I didn't know these folks was gonna stand up for me and help me get through, but they did. When I made the bold decision that I was done, walk by faith and not by sight.

Speaker 1:

My goodness, I think that is a perfect end to this conversation. I do want you to join me in the after party. I do have a question. You said you worked with a client and her partner who cheated on her, is now you know they've moved past the infidelity and he's doing well. You literally said I'm happy with the progress he's making. My question being I'm glad he cheated. Listen, I want to talk about I'm glad he cheated. Yep. You said, yeah, okay, good. So in the after party I want to address I'm glad he's cheated and also how to have that hard conversation. You keep saying have that conversation, have that conversation. I actually want to go through what the components of that conversation should be for that hard conversation. And you also said the first time I left yeah, we're going to get into that. We're going to get into that. Join us in the after party.

Speaker 1:

Listen, brianna Latrice, I appreciate you coming through and yet again giving more value to the Confident you podcast audience. Most people think they go through things and they're the only ones going through. So I pray that this lands on the heart of someone going through this situation or a friend of someone who's going through this situation and they're able to understand. Listen, you're not the only one. Don't think you're special in that way. No, ma'am, no, no, ma'am. You're looking at two people right here. You've heard plenty of stories. We've referred to friends and clients and friends with clients. It it's never-ending process of of of examples that we can pull from.

Speaker 1:

Listen, yeah, holly Barry say Eric, and they cheated. Um, janet Jackson said that, um, domain debris, he admitted to cheating. So if you feel as though you're the only one and that you're that, I don't want to. I guess special is all I can say that you're that unique and that special that only this is happening to you. This is an untruth. I pray that this is a safe space where, if you have any additional questions, put them in the comments. I'm going to go back, we will go back and we will come back and address any other concerns or questions that you have. I thank you again for joining us, but before you get out of here, I want you to share with everyone the amazing things. I just it, just I'm bubbling over with joy all of the amazing things that you're doing and that you have going on, the opportunities that they will have to work with you, please, yes.

Speaker 2:

Please, yes, okay, so you guys, you can follow me on Instagram at life underscore after underscore infidelity underscore. You know I post really helpful videos on there. On that page you can also go to my website at lifeafterinfidelitynet and you can get free. You can sign up for a free discovery coaching call. I also have a free ebook. It's about boundary setting and it's a fun way to set boundaries with your partner, and so if you're interested in getting a copy of that, the URL is on there. But then you can also send me a text message and just text ebook, right, free ebook, and I can get you the ebook as well. You can also go on the website and book a free 15 minute discovery call with me and let's see if we're a good fit to work with each other. Discovery call with me and let's see if we're a good fit to work with each other.

Speaker 2:

Like I mentioned at the top of this year, my first book, killing the Heart from Infidelity a 49 day devotional, will be coming out. So definitely follow me on Instagram and TikTok at life underscore after underscore infidelity on TikTok as well, because I'll be giving you guys updates and things about that, about the release of that book, and then you guys please go and follow me on my podcast, life After Infidelity, and you can find that on YouTube, apple Podcasts, spotify, all the things. I'm everywhere, y'all I I'm out there and if you are in the dfw, the dallas, fort worth metroplex, follow me as well, because I'll have my event coming up on saturday, february the 10th um 2024, and it is dancing through love. So I would definitely love for you to um come out and be a part of that, and those are the many ways you can stay connected with me.

Speaker 1:

And yeah, those are the many ways you can stay connected. Y'all saw her have me up here working my little fingers out, getting all this information out. When I say my girl is out here with it, I need you to say this one. I need you to say this one.

Speaker 2:

I need you to say that, oh, we're not going to do that so after my um, the 49 day devotional lunches, I'll be launching the volume one of my first book, where healing wants you to Life After Infidelity volume one. And so I'm excited about that book because what that book does is it tells you stories of like what a person is going through in infidelity and then at the end of each story, I give you tips and tools on how to navigate that particular experience or situation. And then I also have guided meditations at the end of each chapter as well to go with that. And I do wanna say, as far as killing the heart from infidelity, that is not a book that is solely for people who have been cheated on. If you have a loved one that has been cheated on, I encourage you to cop the book as well, because it's going to put you in the mindset of what they are going through and how you can best support them.

Speaker 1:

All right, my goodness, going to put you in the mindset. My goodness, I'm honored that you were here with us yet again. I want to know if you can give just a few confident tips. Listen for that woman who's just found out, for that friend who was just told what that first looks like. I know a lot of people. They're like don't cry, don't cry, girl. You better than him, girl, how do you get it out cry?

Speaker 2:

um, you know, but, but that's for real. What I would say is this though um, do not make any decisions, so do not feel like you have to tell the betrayer what you're thinking at that moment. You do not have to tell the betrayer if you're going to take them back or if you're done. The best thing you can do, because you're wrapped up in your own emotions and you're in so much pain, is that you don't ever want to make a decision when you're in a traumatic state. So the best thing you can do is not to feel pressured. You know, because you know to our friends will tell us to what you're going to do. They'll come at you.

Speaker 2:

What you're going to do, girl, what you're going to do, are you better than me? You better than me? Honey? I'd be gone. Like I tell my clients, you're in a processing season right now, and that is okay. You're processing your feelings, you're processing your emotions and you're processing your decisions. You don't owe anybody any decision or any any. Yeah, you don't owe anybody any explanation for what you're going to do right now. You just you're just in a processing season and that is okay you're in a processing season and that is okay.

Speaker 1:

Yes, it is, indeed, it is. Thank you yet again for coming to join us. Uh, please check out life after infidelity podcast. You have your next episode dropping. When and when will shay be on there?

Speaker 2:

um, so my episodes drop every monday at 7 am so you can have some good to listen to when you're on your ride home. And then, um, so I do batch content. So, so I'm starting back season two in December, and so Shay will be on in 2024, beginning of 2024.

Speaker 1:

All right, all right, I appreciate you yet again. Thank you for coming to share the value that you have for the women that have been, for those that have been cheated on, for those friends who need to be able to help their friends Better maneuver through. You don't want to give ill advice In this moment, so definitely listen to this episode and take these notes and it will help you at least guide your friend, if you're a real friend. You don't want to add to the issue, so that part.

Speaker 2:

So we'll see you in the after.

Speaker 1:

You don't want to add to the issue. So, yeah, that part. So we'll see you in the after party. Thank you, latrice, give me just a moment. Brianna. Yes, alright, everyone, thank you so much. Please like, share, subscribe, follow. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook at Marian Swingler, and as well at confidentu underscore podcast. While underscore, there's so much more coming. If you are suffering at the hands of domestic violence or you know someone who is, please call Bethany House at 1-888-80-HELPS, that is, 43577, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE at 7233. Everyone, have a blessed day. I pray that everything that Brianna shared was definitely something. There was things there that you can watch out for. There are flags, there are things that you can see in situations so that you'll be able to get ahead of when people do evil things to you and it seems as though they're not hurting, but it's hurting you. You just want to pay attention for those things. All right, have a great one and see you next time.