Confident You NETWORK with Marion Swingler

BONUS #14: THE AFTER PARTY: REBUILDING FROM BETRAYAL - Briaina Latrice on Surviving Infidelity, Restoring Self-Worth, and Breaking Destructive Patterns from CYP eps 33

• Marion Swingler • Episode 14

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Have you ever felt like infidelity shattered your very identity? Brianna Latrice, a fair recovery coach, joins us to share her profound insights on rebounding from such personal earthquakes. We traverse the emotional aftermath of betrayal, tackling the real-world issues of financial instability, the sharp pangs of loneliness, and the daunting battle with insecurity. Brianna’s own narrative of five attempts to leave a toxic relationship until finally breaking free unveils the resilience required to reclaim one's self-worth and piece together a path toward healing.

Confronting a betraying partner can feel like navigating a minefield, but today we're charting a course with compassionate precision. I reveal how investigative questions can transform accusatory clashes into dialogues of understanding, leading to either the reconstruction of trust or the decision to part ways. We also peer into the generational echoes of infidelity and the way our family's history can sneak into our love lives, stressing the importance of discerning a partner's views on fidelity and trust before making lifelong commitments.

Finally, we tackle the arduous journey of life post-infidelity, focusing on the empowerment that comes with rebuilding self-worth. Understanding that the need for a partner often reflects deeper internal traumas, we discuss how to approach these wounds to prevent repeating damaging relationship patterns. Resources like "Healing the Heart from Infidelity" and "Where Healing Wants to Be" are introduced to support your journey. Moreover, we address the delicate topic of infidelity within Black households, advocating the necessity of fostering emotional transparency and healthy discussions on betrayal with our children. Join us as we navigate these turbulent waters, offering not just solace, but a beacon of empowerment.

CHAPTERS:
0:30 - Infidelity Impact Personal Experience
2:00 - Unprepared Challenges Post-Breakup
5:10 - Decision Struggle Leaving Toxic Relationship
6:20 - Emotional Entanglement with Ex-Partner
10:40 - Self-Identity Before vs After Cheating
13:33 - Initiating Difficult Relationship Conversations
18:15 - Investigative Conversation Techniques
20:10 - Gratitude for Betrayal Lessons Learned
24:33 - Choosing Healthy Relationships Wisely
26:50 - Reality vs Perception in Relationships
28:45 - Helping Friends Recognize Truth
33:00 - Actions Speak Louder Than Words Insight
35:50 - Identifying Narcissistic Traits
36:30 - Understanding Narcissism Definition
38:20 - Recognizing Narcissistic Behaviors
46:15 - Moving On from Infidelity Without Closure
51:11 - Dancing Through Love Event Announcement
54:08 - Life After Infidelity Podcast Introduction
59:02 - Afterparty Gratitude Message
1:00:10 - Infidelity Themed Merchandise Launch
1:02:04 - Farewell and Next Time Teaser

CONTACT:
Book A Free Discovery Call: https://calendly.com/affairrecoverycoach/15min?month=2023-07
Website: https://lifeafterinfidelity.net/
Email: affairrecoverycoach@gmail.com
Phone: 469-956-9979

FOLLOW ON:
TikTok and Instagram: Life_After_Infidelity_

PRODUCT:
Boundaries Questions E-book: https://tinyurl.com/Boundary-Ebook 
 
COMING SOON:
Devotional: Healing the Heart From Infidelity, A 49 Day Journey 
Book: Where Healing Wants You To Be: Life After Infidelity Vol 1

Book a FREE 15-minute consultation: https://calendly.com/walkonconsultantsopens in a new tab and let them know Marion from Confident You sent you

EVENT: 
Dancing Through Love on Feb 10, 2023

PODCAST:
Life After Infidelity Podcast
https://www.youtube.com/@UCde6r8RV_Dc1Tcbx81pkJAQ
_________________________________________________________________
FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELP
Call for more information on domestic abuse or to get help for yourself/someone you love. 
Bethany Hous

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the after party. This is after party number 14 from episode 33 of Confident U podcast. Listen, I have with us in this time we have Brianna Latrice and a fair recovery coach, and there was some things that I just wanted to continue to discuss, some things to continue to touch on. We're gonna start with where I ended. Listen, the last thing I said we would talk about was that was your first time that you were left. Listen. If you're going wait, why are we just diving into the conversation? How do I not know what's going on? You want to go back and watch the episode of Confident you podcast that?

Speaker 1:

this is the after conversation to listen that in that episode it has a title of why evil people don't hurt. Listen, but the conversation literally went through the ins and outs of infidelity being that person who has been cheated on, being that person who now needs to decide whether you stay or go. So now we're going into how this infidelity has affected our guest and how she spoke on a few things. So I just pulled a few of those things out and I wanted to expound on them in this after party. Listen, you said the first time I left, just that phrase alone. You said yeah. You said yeah. You said I was not, because in that time we were talking about being financially prepared or being prepared, and you were stating how you only left that first time with $5. So how did that, would you say? The first time you left was the most unprepared time that you left.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I would Absolutely.

Speaker 1:

What are the top three? You already gave us number one, number one. You left with $5, but what were the other two? Like in the top three thing areas that you're saying listen, I wasn't prepared for this, I wasn't prepared for this, I wasn't prepared for that oh, that's a good question.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so, besides financially, um, and are we talking about like the first time I left, or just like within any of the times I left within any of the times.

Speaker 1:

What? What are the other top two where you were not?

Speaker 2:

Okay, oh Lord, so many going through my head, so financially. And then I would probably say loneliness, like you know what I'm saying, like you know that shoot, you gonna be single and you gonna be alone. But I wasn't really prepared for what that was going to look and feel like. And even though your friends and your loved ones say they're going to be there to support you, you know they don't have the capacity to be there with you all the time and so wasn't prepared for the loneliness. And then, honestly, I wasn't prepared for the insecurity.

Speaker 2:

A part of why I stayed, I think, was just knowing that I had a partner. Validated my insecurities. Validated my insecurities, um, when I was alone, by myself, with no one. It was like I had to accept that I was alone and so that just fed in even more to my insecurities of, oh, you're not beautiful, you know I'm saying like, whatever insecurities you're dealing with, um, it just intensified my insecurities when I left and what's another thing that you would say you were not prepared for financially, you weren't prepared for being alone, the loneliness of it.

Speaker 1:

What else were you not prepared for in the times that you chose to leave?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's that part, the insecurities like speaking to my insecurities and I didn't really know I was dealing with insecurities. I think I was so wrapped up in him that I hadn't had the time to really look within myself, and so you could say insecurities are dealing with myself and seeing myself for the first time after years of being in a toxic relationship, like actually looking at myself and seeing the person I had become and accepting that.

Speaker 1:

Right, what were? What is your statistic? Because I know there are statistics on how many times someone may go back and go back and forth with the goal going back and leaving and choosing to leave, and then going back and choosing to leave for you, just intimately for you. How many times was that before?

Speaker 2:

that was the final time so you know, the statistic is about four to five times and I want to say I probably went back about five times for sure about.

Speaker 1:

What made it the final straw?

Speaker 2:

Look, do I want to share the story or do we got to make them go? Listen to the first episode.

Speaker 1:

Oh, that is in the first Listen. If you want to hear the full story, you can go back to episode 22. You are correct. Oh, my goodness, you can go back to episode 22. So, you, you. That was the first thing that I wanted to to touch on um of the three things that I wanted to touch on from our previous conversation, but now you have sparked something else. You said that you were wrapped up in him. So how can you, what did that look like, wrapped up in him?

Speaker 2:

um, my life was devoted to making him happy, um, because you know, once you find out that the love of your life has cheated on you, uh, especially if they are toxic, right, and don't hold themselves accountable, they'll put all the blame on you. And so that's what he did. He put all the blame on me. I'm not going to say all, but I'm going to say about 90% of the blame he put on me. And so I, for years, I worked hard to make him happy. I worked hard to, you know, please him.

Speaker 2:

So I literally, um, things I would do were, um, I remember the text messages that he was sending to other women, and I would try to emulate those conversations in text, right, and so a lot of the things that I was doing, I was doing because he, you know, I thought that he liked them. So, you know, I would wear clothes that I that he said that he liked. You know, even though I didn't care for that particular style of dress, I would do stuff like that. Like he didn't like me going to bars and clubs. So when my friends would go to bars and clubs, I would have to stay home and I'd be at home by myself, cause he'd be out doing his own thing, and then my friends would be in the bars.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I had a real quick flashback. No, you're fine.

Speaker 2:

But you know, that's what I mean. I got lost in him and so when I came out of it I didn't know who I was. So I really had to learn who I was, because sitting up watching basketball every day wasn't my thing, that was his. But I found myself like still doing that and then I realized that doesn't excite me, you know, um, and so just the stuff that I did, uh, that was always based off of him. I didn't, I didn't. But in a part of that I got so lost in him, um, and my self-esteem was so low that, like I said, when I did leave him, seeing that I actually had self-esteem was was what it started to surface that I had low self-esteem once he was no longer in the picture, um, I started to see that, and that was hard to um, embrace and acknowledge how did you start to see that?

Speaker 2:

um, just in the way that I talked to myself and in the way that I moved, and it must have been like in the way that I carried myself too, because I remember, uh, my best friend at the time. She had stopped talking to me at one point and she was like she had to pull herself back from our friendship because she couldn't. And it was just like you knew that every dude at the college campus wanted to talk to you and you were that confident in yourself and she was like just to see you navigate through that now. And so, um, I think, just the way I moved, like even my mom said that she was like you, just, you just kind of let yourself go, you stop caring. You know, there were times where you used to do your makeup and put on a cute outfit and you just stopped doing all of that. And even, like me, just telling myself like, oh well, nobody will ever want to be with me, right, um, I'm never going to be able to attract anybody, you know, and all of those things.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, Sorry, I was like whoa, she's going back. Ok, how do you so? What did that look like? You're saying that you found that you lost yourself in him through the blame game of the responsibility, of what was going on, the abuse that was going on through the infidelity. How do you describe you said your friend described you as just being a baddie. How do you describe how you were when he met you? Who were you when he met you and then who were you after that? You said you gave some descriptions to the after that. So who were you like? Like, who was Latrice before and who was Latrice after the infidelity and the blame game?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So before it was like what my best friend said. Before I really was just confident in myself and guys would approach me quite often and I was like a no-nonsense, like if somebody mistreated me in any type of way, I was like, oh no, I deserve better, I'm done with him. You know what I'm saying? And I here's the thing I didn't operate in lack, I operated in abundance, and that's what I would say. So pre my marriage, I operated in abundance because I knew who I was and I knew whose. I was too, at the AU, if we want to be honest. I knew who and whose I was because, um, I did have I'm not gonna say as strong as I do now, but I did have trust and a foundation in God.

Speaker 2:

But then, talking about losing myself in my marriage, and after my marriage, I had gotten so wrapped up in him, my relationship with God was completely gone. He literally no lie, he literally became my God. I looked to him for guidance, I looked to him for affirmation, I looked for him for certainty, and so when I left him, I was operating in a spirit of lack, and so what that looked like was like I said nobody will ever want me. Um, I don't know how I'm gonna make this. I don't ever want to get married again because all men cheat, all men are dogs. There's no such thing as a happy relationship. Everything negative um that you could have thought of about life and about relationships. I believe that because I I have been operating in a deficit for so long when I left him, operating in lack just seemed normal to me operating in lack just seemed normal to me.

Speaker 1:

Listen, I also wanted to talk with you about how to have that hard conversation, like when you sit down and you're deciding that hard conversation to have. I know that you've told us to give him those points, if he's receptive of it, to give him those points of things that you're saying listen, right now I need this. Him those points of things that you're saying, listen, right now, I need this. I'm going to need this to feel reaffirmed and assured that we're moving forward, that you're really invested, that this is not something that you're going to do again to rebuild this trust. So, understand that component.

Speaker 1:

But how do you sit down with someone that in some sense, you know it's been going on. It's been going on so long? It's kind of a routine to it. Yeah, a part, it's become a part, a fiber of a thread in your life that this happens. You may even know who the person is. You're saying, no, you don't. Oh, you're saying what I do, I didn't do it, I'm just saying so you may even know who the person is and then you know it becomes it normalized in your relationship. Uh, a component, that conversation. How do you then muster up the thought process of okay, I want to say this, but I don't want to break down and just be a blub blubbering and not really get out what I want. To make sure, even through the tears, I can get my point across. What are the top three points you think need to be said so it's understood? Listen, I know what's going on.

Speaker 2:

Hmm, um, so I'm gonna break that up into two parts. I think that, um, you know, how can you? You know this is probably gonna go against the grain what I'm about to say, but I like to be real, right and um, you can tell people all along that, um, hey, these are, these are the techniques that you should use once you, you know, you know you're ready to confront your partner, right, but the reality is that that ain't gonna happen because you're gonna be so upset you know, I'm saying you're gonna be so upset you you read you here for it like you here to go off, like, and guess what, I ain't gonna lie, I support it. Now, this is the after party.

Speaker 2:

You know, I don't support violence or anything like that but you know I'm saying, if you're in full rage, like I support you coming at him and saying, man, you, you dirty, you so wrong, you're not calling about his name or anything like that, but I don't. I don't think I have, like, any techniques to give you for how to confront your partner. Um, because everybody is different and that's going to look different, but nine times out of 10, when you find out, and if you're ready to confront him, all that logic and all of that wisdom that you have heard, you know, you know that's out the window, but what I will say, I will say when you do, though, just make sure that you handle it like still in a level of respect, because you never know if you guys are going to work it out, and one of the things that I always say is that one thing that me and my ex never did was we never disrespected each other. So he never called me out of my name, I never called him out of his name. You know I'm saying I might have been like man, you wrong, you foul, you dirty, but we never said hurtful things to each other, because we did have still a level of respect and love for one another. So I would say, even when you do bring it up, like, just have a level of respect and remember that this is somebody that you want or you do. You do love, because if you didn't, you wouldn't be responding in that way. But what I will say is you know, once that's over with Right and you've addressed that, the worst thing that you can do is ask questions like well, how many times, why did you do this?

Speaker 2:

And this isn't my term, but there's a term that another infidelity. She coaches on infidelity a lot as well and she calls it investigative questions. But I've kind of made up my own investigative questions and, excuse me, some of the questions that I have my clients to ask, right, and you don't ask all of these and I'm just going to name off a few of them because I have a lot of different ones of these. And I'm just going to name off a few of them because I have a lot of different ones. But some of the investigative questions that you could ask were things like and I'm looking down in my list is what were the factors or circumstances that led you to engage in the affair?

Speaker 2:

What needs or desires did the affair fulfill that you felt were missing in our relationship? How did you rationalize or justify your actions at the time that you felt were missing in our relationship? How did you rationalize or justify your actions at the time that you were committing the infidelity? And so, because here's the thing, asking questions like, well, who is she and where she live at how many times you do it, that's not getting to restoration. All that's doing is making it worse for you because you just getting you know information. It ain't that's not doing anything to your healing Right. And so, when you talk about investigative questions, these investigative questions will help you to truly get into the mindset of your partner and understand why he did what he did and, depending on those answers, will help you also determine okay, is this a good person to rebuild trust with, or is his character such that he's going to continue to live foul in any relationship that he's in? Okay?

Speaker 1:

okay, okay, all right. So this, this third question that I had for you and, trust me, you have sparked more questions, but these are the ones that were guaranteed. I want to get to the guaranteed. I'm happy you cheated the statement. I'm happy. Have you ever felt? You know what? I'm happy you did that, in terms of the fact that you did it way that you did it. I found out and now I know how do you feel about that statement.

Speaker 2:

I'm happy you cheated I say it all the time um, oh look, I'm trying to think of. Okay, I'm going to just tell you the truth, right? So I oftentimes practice my award speeches.

Speaker 1:

Come on here.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I do, and one of my award speeches is titled Mama, we Made it, and it goes through all of our life experiences. You know for the times that you had to choose between paying the light bill and the hot water bill. And you paid the light so we could have electricity, and we bought the hot water so we could take a bath. So we could have electricity and we bought the hot water, um, so we could take a bath, and we put just a little bit of cold water in there too to take a bath. Mama, we made it, um, for the times that my daddy would stop working his job just so he couldn't send me the 34 checks a week child support checks a week to me so that I could help my mama pay the bills.

Speaker 2:

Mama, we made it For all the times that I found out that my ex-husband cheated on me. Mama, we made it For the times that I was going through depression and I asked him why couldn't he stop? And he said he wouldn't gonna stop cold turkey. Mama, we made it For all the hurt that he told me that I wouldn't be anything without him, because he made me who I am. Mama, we made it. That's a reminder to me that I wouldn't be half of the person, half of the woman that I am today If I didn't have the struggle of my daddy leaving me, if I didn't have the struggle of my mama being a single parent and trying to make it on her own, and if I didn't have an ex-husband who I loved, his dirty jaws, cheat on me for five years consistently and I would find out every six months like clockwork for five years. But because I dug myself, you know, and I pulled myself out of that and I healed, I got joy now and I wouldn't have that joy.

Speaker 2:

Somebody asked me before what is life before infidelity? And I thought that was a very profound question, because what I told them is that life before infidelity was this false sense of knowing what self-love is. It was a false sense of knowing what acceptance was of me. I was walking around thinking that I knew what love was. I was walking around thinking that I knew what confident was, but it wasn't until I got through my biggest pain of walking away from my marriage and I would not be. I just told somebody in the other podcast I wouldn't be this person that you see right now in this yellow shirt, in these rainbow colored butterfly earrings Smiling In the middle of the night telling about my story.

Speaker 1:

But I've made it Amen, but you made it so glad, I made it so glad. I'm sorry, come on, it's all in here. It's all in here. Listen, this is about you. Listen, I want to talk about. You said your mom and then you mentioned um, um. That just to me speaks to generations of family. You mentioned your dad and I want to know, in that pre conversation, before you got married, what do you think you could have asked your husband about generationally, or what he saw in his parents? That may have been something that could reveal or help you see or help anyone see you know. Let me ask these types of questions to see if infidelity is something that this person is prone to. Yeah, it's something that this person is prone to. Yeah, mm, hmm, mm, hmm.

Speaker 2:

What kind of questions would you suggest someone ask?

Speaker 2:

So there's two parts to that. In the podcast earlier today the lady asked me. She said sometimes people say you just choose wrong. You need to learn how to choose right. And so I gave her the example of how I was cheated on in my marriage. My mother was cheated on in her marriage. My grandmother was cheated on in her marriage. So it's not so much about how to choose, it's about how we've been taught what's acceptable in a relationship. So my mama saw her mama get cheated on so she thought that that was what love looked like, right. So she accepted less than because she saw her mother accept less than right. And so I saw my mother accept less than and I thought that that was what love was like. So it's what you're being taught, not how you're choosing, because when you're taught right, you'll choose right.

Speaker 2:

And um, I'll say that to say this my ex-husband, his daddy, is who. He is right and that's not. I've never said that because I don't want it to seem like I'm talking bad about my um ex-father-in-law, because I'm not. He's a great person. However, historically he also has the history of of of being unfaithful to his women, so a lot of times, us, as women in relationships, sometimes we don't even have to ask questions, we just have to look.

Speaker 2:

Go to that family reunion, girl. Go to that family reunion and listen, and listen, right, because my ex-husband always talks about the stuff that his father does, my mother-in-law would always talk about the stuff that my ex-husband father used to do, and so from there then you can learn how to formulate questions. Well, how do you feel about your daddy doing X, y, z, and then see what his perspective is and how he responds to you know things about relationships, things about marriage, things about fidelity, right, in relationships. So I think that there's two parts, but the first part is just watch, because it's gonna tell you a lot about what you need to know okay, you just said his family and then you would, you could watch and see what.

Speaker 1:

if you watch and you're watching and you're vigilant to look out and see, but what you're seeing and what they're saying sound like you just had some good food. I'm sorry, that thing, what you're seeing and what they're saying, what, what your partner is saying, is just not lining up. So that's how you talked earlier about how the blame game came into factor, how you would ask what is this? Or confront the the situation. And it's because you, because you, because you.

Speaker 1:

So how do you take this is what I'm seeing, but this is what you're saying, but this isn't lining up. How do you, before you go down that pitfall I've been there, I have been at the bottom of that well, so this is not in judgment, this is totally in my heart to want to help Before you go to the bottom of that well, just falling, throwing yourself away on the sword, being the sacrificial lamb, to fix and put this together, because that's usually what women want to do and I will say usually, because it's not all women want to do is to hold things together and to be that helpmate. How do you help someone to see the balance of this. What's being said, this is what you're saying, this is what's being done. How do you get them to uh choose what the reality of the situation is in terms of words over actions?

Speaker 2:

yeah. So this is like before you actually make a decision to marry someone. Yes, okay. And so it's like kind of like the example I said, where, like if the father like I've seen a lot of things, but then if the like my partner, if he wasn't lying, like his words and stuff wasn't what in agreement with what his dad was doing, or in agreement with his own actions, like you're asking him about his father.

Speaker 1:

But then you're seeing different things in him, in the things that he's doing late night texts, getting up, leaving, taking your phone, um, never, ever, like you, never, ever have access to. Not that you need. You don't need access to someone's phone. If you trust them, you trust them, but if you feel something, how do you address that?

Speaker 2:

um, okay, well, I hope I'm answering your question. Uh, because I think the first part to that is uh, because I think the first part to that is you. I feel like how they're asking answering the questions. Um, when you ask them about, like their parents or whatever, like, like I said, asking them about their, his father's history, um, a lot of the times people are going to justify a particular sex, and what I mean by that is whenever I would ask my um ex-husband and we were just dating at the time I would ask him particular questions or he would just bring up stuff.

Speaker 2:

He always blamed his mom for why his dad did what he did. Right, when he would talk about his sister-in-law I mean his sister, my sister-in-law and their marriage it was always his sister and never the man. So to me that should have been a red flag from the beginning that he justifies behaviors of men and men don't have any responsibility for the decisions that they make. So I think that you really have to, because I think a lot of times we'll be like, oh, but my man different. Oh, yeah, you know, yeah, he's saying that about this person and yeah, he's saying that about his daddy and his brother-in-law, but my man is different. If he is in agreement with the what you know I'm saying, if he's in an agreement with mistreatment of a person, doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman um, that means that he believes that that type of behavior is okay and it is justifiable if you need to do it.

Speaker 1:

But I found out the hard way, but what she said, and I found out the hard way. But what if he agrees? What if he agrees with your point of view? There are some people that I find and I'm not saying men, I'm saying people that are very savvy, yeah, with agreeing with you, figuring out okay, you're, you're in this situation, this is the side of the fence you're on. I'm going to be on this side of the fence with you so that you can feel I'm, I'm a safe bet, but I'm still going to be doing these things.

Speaker 1:

So it's like what I say and what I do don't match up. Listen, I'm telling you, they totally make you feel like you crazy. Do don't match up. Listen, I'm telling you, they totally make you feel like you crazy. Yes, ma'am, listen. So that's what I'm, that's where I'm. I'm getting at the. The thing of making you feel like, no, why would you say that? You know, I said this and I said that and this is how I think and this is how I'm like, yeah, but I'm not. I know, I just saw you, I know, I know I'm, I know I'm not, I know I'm not. But then it kind of puts you in this spiral thing of questioning even the things that you're seeing over what the person? Just? How do you, how do you help people have a better weight on people's actions over words? People can say all day I'm not gonna do something to you, yeah, and still be doing it, yep so how do you help people determine like a person's actions over their words?

Speaker 2:

right yes, um, oh, that's a really good question. So if you already know that when you come to them, they're they're not going to be truthful, right, because you know, because gas lighting is a real thing, it's a whole thing. And see, I love this because even in my devotional I have a day about gas lighting and I think I called it like gas lighting versus accountability, and so it's talking about, like, looking at the process of things, right, and it's. Even if you bring something up to a person, right, and I know this is just still the words. But if you bring something up to a person, how do they respond? If they say, man, you crazy, that ain't what you saw. Man, you saw me do X, y, z, you know it.

Speaker 2:

Gaslighting you, right, getting you to tank your reality of the truth because you know that you saw what you saw. You to tank your reality of the truth because you know that you saw what you saw. Um, but, uh, but a but a great person who's not trying to be narcissistic and who's not trying to gaslight. You will come at it and say, hey, that wasn't my intent when I said this or when you saw me looking at this, and then they'll even actually show you. You know what I'm saying and so, to me, like that, the actions are what is the person showing.

Speaker 2:

Because, even if they're saying something different, at the end of the day you have to believe yourself and believe what you saw, and believe that you aren't crazy.

Speaker 2:

And so you have to like, just it's facts are facts, right, and if you know that you saw what you saw, if they cannot prove to you otherwise that you're not tripping, that you're not crazy, and all they can say is they can use the words to try to pit against you, but they're not doing anything. Like I said, the example of where they'll be like hey, this is what I meant by this. Look, let me show you this is what I was trying to do, right? I'm sorry that you interpreted it right. I'm sorry that you interpreted it that way, or I'm sorry that you saw it that way, but here's how I really. This is what I really meant by that. And so if they are like, really a truthful person, their actions are going to align with that, right, their character is going to align with those things. But if it's not, you really already have your truth because you've seen it with your own eyes, because you've seen it with your own eyes.

Speaker 1:

You keep bringing up this same word. You brought it up in the episode. You brought it up twice, at minimum twice here, and I want you to tell everyone how to identify a narcissist. What are the characteristics? You, alright, what did I do? I did something. It's me. What did I do?

Speaker 2:

look, you just said narcissist.

Speaker 1:

I'm like alright, now identify characteristics of a narcissist, so that someone can understand what is your definition and then what are the characteristics?

Speaker 2:

okay, um, I always have a really rough definition of narcissist and narcissist to me. I kind of use narcissist and gaslighting. Even though they're different, I kind of use them the same, but basically, um, a narcissist, slash, gaslighter is someone who, um, tried, not tries, someone who, uh, is only selfish and is self-fulfilling, so everything is all about themselves. And, um, they do everything in their power to taint your reality of what is your perception or what is your reality, like other things that you've seen and all those things. They do a great job of tainting your reality to cause you to think that you're crazy. And that's like a rough definition of what a narcissist and gaslighter is.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, because I can add to that Mm hmm of what a narcissist and gaslighter is. Yeah, because can I add to that Mm-hmm To have you thinking that you're crazy to the point that they have you thinking that you're the issue, mm-hmm, you're the problem, and that you're not doing enough Mm-hmm, mm-hmm To cause them to want to be. Whoever that first representative you met was, listen, they have the knack of showing you that representative.

Speaker 2:

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, amazing.

Speaker 1:

Mm-hmm. Amazing.

Speaker 2:

Yep, yep and their key part, their key role or their key goal. Their key goal is to gain control over you. So they do that in tainting your reality, they do that in minimizing you and making you feel less than so that they can gain that control over you that they can gain that control over you, my goodness.

Speaker 1:

So let's get some examples out here. I'll start with the first one. They will do things such as a narcissist will do things such as tell you no one else wants you and it's up to you to, like you said, not lose yourself, not wrap yourself up into someone else so much so that you actually believe this is the only person on this entire planet. Yeah, that would ever be interested in me.

Speaker 2:

while they treat you like trash, tag you it um, oh, a narcissist will have you thinking that, um, they, you. So they'll say something like you're the woman that you are because of me. I've taught you everything that you know.

Speaker 1:

Wow, A narcissist will have you thinking that OK, ladies, look, I'm about to go deep. I want nobody getting offended. Don't go in the comments on this. Take this whatever way you need to take this A narcissist, I will give it to you. A narcissist, just as in the movie Baby Boy sisters. Just as in the movie, Baby Boy will have you allowing him to take your car while he has no job to go to, while he's dropping you off to your nine to five, running out your gas and putting the mileage on your car and then coming back how you had no job to go to. I apologize for any inconvenience I may have caused anyone.

Speaker 2:

Now Baby Boy is my movie. So you know you're trading on thin water. Just be careful now. Be careful over there. Baby Boy, you know how Facebook had those little things like it said what type of wife are you? So I just played the game and it said I was Yvette from Baby Boy and I was like the game and it said I was Yvette from baby boy and I was like I take it because that's my movie.

Speaker 1:

That's my movie, I ain't gonna lie what in that movie great, we're in the movie baby boy in that movie. What in that movie could you see? Um Taraji's character? What did you say? Her name was Yvette Yvette. What in the movie could you see? Wow, that Yvette did repeatedly I'm trying to formulate this question without giving you the answer did more than once, because it looks as though she did not know or did not want to be without a partner um.

Speaker 2:

You said what does she constantly do?

Speaker 1:

yeah, she did more than once.

Speaker 2:

It's your movie, it is um, like I don't know, she argued with him too much and she always gave him chance after chance, after chance. And here's another part we're talking about narcissistic too is she always went back to him and it wasn't until that very last one where, well, no, I would even say she went back to him and then and so that's another thing too about narcissists they always they make you believe that you need them. And so you know, she was always going back to the baby boy, because she went back to him when our breaks went out. You know, I baby boy, because she went back to him when her breaks went out, you know what I'm saying. Then she went back to him when Snoop Dogg came and wouldn't leave the house, and so I would say that part, I'm talking about that part.

Speaker 1:

She just was no, I'm going to keep somebody.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

That was just uncomfortable. It's like, okay, now you see this isn't good, and now you see this isn't good. And now you feel stuck, but you're still, and then you just went from one person to the next person.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, just using that as an example of something I think that women do. I I am here to help us wake up in this conversation, but I think there are certain women that just cannot, don't want to not have someone yeah, um.

Speaker 2:

So someone was asking me like, okay, what was my dating experience like? And, um, a couple of weeks ago, someone was at my house and, um, they're still married. Their husband has cheated on them horrible too. Um, but they're still married, but they're separated now. And so, uh, she was getting ready to go out and she was like, where, brie, where can I go over here and meet some good men?

Speaker 2:

And I'm thinking to myself, sis, you don't need to be trying to meet nobody because, baby, you still married. You know what I'm saying. And after you get your divorce, you don't need to be out here in these streets trying to date, you need to heal. But, um, I don't to me, it just lets me know. Like, okay, you really need my services, friend. So you want to come to me because it's like, but that's normal, right, because I say that to say this.

Speaker 2:

When I first got my divorce, baby, I got out in the streets, I got to date, you know, because I, I was, you know, shoot, I thought I needed but see, that was validating to me right to always have somebody in my in my corner. And I needed somebody constantly in my corner to validate me, because I did not know how to validate myself and so say that again, I always had to have somebody in my corner to validate me because I didn't know how to validate myself. And so a lot of people jump from relationship to relationship because they're looking for somebody to fulfill a void that they have within themselves, because they themselves don't know how to fill that void within themselves. And so when we talk about our weight, like when we talk about all men cheating all that stuff, I look at the woman, I'm like so every person that you attract is a cheater?

Speaker 2:

And they're like, yeah, I'm like, okay, it's not the man, is you. It's a void you need to fix. There's a void, there's a trauma that you need to heal. There's this childhood wound, there's this attachment style that you need to go into and heal so that you don't attract all those things. But as long as you are allowing yourself to stay busy with man after man after man or men, with women after women after women, um, you're never going to heal that, so that you can actually find somebody who can fulfill you and not be like your better half, right, or let me say compliment you and not complete you.

Speaker 1:

Last question. This may open a whole bunch of questions. Questions but life after infidelity. What do you do when it ends up bitter and you end up untrusting and feel as though it's my fault? How do I? You never knew what happened. You're like what happened? Why did this happen? You don't have a clear answer or understanding. How can you move on without a clear answer or understanding to let go of that bitterness, to let go of that anger? To let go of that bitterness, to let go of that anger, to let go of that self-doubt which causes you not to trust?

Speaker 2:

um, forgiveness, but it's like what I talked about in the first episode or the previous episode we just finished recording.

Speaker 2:

It's forgiveness of yourself because I didn't get closure. I didn't get closure, you know, from my, from my ex, but I had to move on and the biggest thing that I had to do was forgive myself because a lot of that bitterness and anger was attached to me. Um, just seeing how low I had let myself go and the embarrassment that I had because a lot of my family had already known that he was cheating on me, because he had a whole tinder account out here and a lot of my family had already saw his tinder account. So I was embarrassed you know what I'm saying. And then every time that I took him back, like I said, I knew for five years and I would take him back every single time. And so a lot, lot of the bitterness for me and a lot of the bitterness that I know for sure come from a lot of women that I coach is that they're angry with themselves and they need to first forgive themselves.

Speaker 1:

Forgive, go ahead, I'm listening.

Speaker 2:

I'm sorry I was just saying like you don't know what you don't know. This is your first time ever being cheated on, so how do you know how to respond appropriately? How do you know how to leave and don't look back? How do you know not to go back after you said you would never go back? You know what I'm saying, and so you have to learn how to forgive yourself and give yourself compassion as you are navigating new territory.

Speaker 1:

And that comes with that. Perform that, that plan that you help them make up. Is that a component of the plan? How not to fall into this situation again? I keep referring to it as a pit, because it just feels like it takes you down so far.

Speaker 2:

Mm, hmm, mm, hmm. Yeah to it as a pit, because it just feels like it takes you down so far. Yeah, so all of that, all of that is in there. But the biggest part to that is that I tell them to have compassion on themselves because you know, we're like all these self-help videos out there on YouTube and listening to Instagram I mean a podcast all the time and stuff, right, we just have so much access to self-help and self-development so we're just super hard on ourselves whenever we revert back or we regress, right. And I always tell my clients if you have a bad day, that's okay, you're human. Like we have to get out of the mode or the space that you know you've made the decision to heal or you've made the decision to develop yourself personally, that you're not going to have any down days, that you're not going to have any days where you feel like you're regressing, but it's okay to have ebbs and flows as you are navigating this.

Speaker 1:

It's okay to have ebbs and flows as you are navigating this, which you have done yet again with great precision. I appreciate you staying in the after party and having this conversation with us. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Brianna Latrice. She's a fair recovery coach Listen, coming soon. She has a devotional Healing the Heart from Infidelity a 49-day journal. It is coming soon. I will tell you how to get there, because there's also coming soon a book where healing wants to be. Listen, there is some healing that wants to be in that space where that hurt and that pain is. So you want to definitely get that information. Life After Fidelity, volume 1. You also want to make sure that you get the Boundaries Questions ebook. And that's how you get the ebook. It's going to be in the description box for this episode. But to get those two books and to keep up with that information that will be coming out, you definitely want to either email or text.

Speaker 1:

Check her website. Her website is amazing. Check her website so you can see how you can book a consultation with her A free, a free, 15 minute consultation. You can go on there and just make sure that you book that If you feel like this is something you're going through.

Speaker 1:

This is a decision that you're facing. This is a situation that you're facing or you have faced it years ago and you feel like I have never fully gotten over this. I have not recovered from this. I have not healed from this. This is still holding me back, holding me down. Let her help you free yourself, because she's going to give you those tools that you need.

Speaker 1:

You can also follow her on TikTok and Instagram at life, underscore after underscore infidelity there is supposed to be an underscore there. I will make sure that is right when we put that in the description box. Listen, book your free consultation, call that 15 minutes. I just want to keep going back to that, to make sure you take the opportunity to speak individually about your own individual situation so that she can help you and you can see if she can see, if you can see if that's who you can work with and she can see if she can help you. All right, and she has an event. Explain this event, ma'am. I just I didn't get enough. I didn't get enough explanation on the event. Yes.

Speaker 2:

So dancing through love. I have two different dance coaches I have a sensual dance coach and then I have a hip hop fitness dance coach as well, and so how this kind of came about was that when I was going through my darkest times in my marriage and I was still married, one of the things that I would do is dance, and so I would go to like all type of dancing classes. I would go to Zumba like any dance class that was available in the Metroplex. I was there and it just gave me an hour of just not being bogged down with that. It gave me a time to express myself. But also it's important with a sensual dancing piece, especially for women who've been cheated on and, like you've seen pictures of the other women, you're very self-conscious about your body, and so we're going to be helping women to get back in tune with their body and gain confidence in their body as well. So it's gonna be a whole vibe. I'm excited it's gonna be a whole vibe.

Speaker 1:

And then I want you to let them know about your amazing podcast, life after infidelity podcast, hosted by the one, the only, the amazing, brianna yes, so life after infidelity podcast.

Speaker 2:

You can find me, um, on youtube, spotify, apple, all the things, wherever. Whatever your podcast podcast platform is, you can find me just type in life after infidelity and I I will most definitely pop up. Episodes drop every Monday at 7 am. So make sure you subscribe so you can get the notifications of when I drop a new episode.

Speaker 1:

There it is, Ladies and gentlemen. You have it. Boys and girls. I pray that this was clean enough so that if you're in a relationship, you can watch out for those flags and for those moms and dads. You want to have this conversation with your children.

Speaker 1:

How important do you think that conversation? I thought there was no other question. But how important do you think? Because you said you went back generations through your family my mom was cheated on, my mom was cheated on, my grandma was cheated on. You felt like it was something that was passed down. Then you talked about the actual person who did the infidelity towards you. You said, well, his dad. And he talked about his mom and his sister and her boyfriend and just the male, his viewing on the infidelity being the fault of the person not being enough.

Speaker 1:

How does that conversation look when you sit down, when you're starting to tell your child or your kid or your teenager? You know, I know you're interested, I hear you know you have a boyfriend or you're thinking about having a girlfriend, or just grooming your child as they grow up. Period, Just grooming your child, because that really wasn't a thing for me in my house when my kids coming up. So just grooming your children. What kind of conversation. What are the things you want to highlight to make sure they know to watch out for?

Speaker 2:

yeah, um, I did a workshop once for black women healing retreat and I titled it. My mother is disqualified to teach me what she didn't learn. And before I did the workshop, I surveyed several women from their 20s to their 60s and one of the questions that I asked was you know what is something that you wish your mother would have taught you or shown you? And about 95% of the participants said that they wish that their mother would have shown them what vulnerability looked like, that they wish that their mothers would have expressed some type of emotion in the household, like they never saw their mothers cry. And so when you ask about what does that conversation look like in Black households, we have to be okay and this is for men and women. We have to be okay with letting our kids see that we hurt as well, because I never saw how hurt my mom was from her marriage and her husband cheating on her, her ex-husband cheating on her. That's why I thought that that was okay, because in my eyes, it didn't bother my mama, it didn't faze her. She was still going to work every day, she wasn't crying. She you know, I'm saying in front of me she was being this brave superwoman. And then the same goes for my grandmother. My grandmother didn't show any emotion. She was being this brave superwoman.

Speaker 2:

And I think that we have to change that narrative of stop being the strong black woman, stop being a strong black man in our households and let our children see what hurt and pain looks like and how we navigate through that, so that when they do get to those they can say, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I remember what it looked like when my mama went through that and she was hurt and devastated and she was telling me things about this. So I'm a pause and I'm a go ahead. I'm a go the other way because I don't want to go through that, because my mama has already, or my dad has already, put me on game of what this could mean for me emotionally and psychologically and I don't want't want that yeah, you just pushed the pause in me.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I'm back. I'm just saying I was there, I was literally going, okay, yeah, it happened to me, did I know? But I did, okay, I see. Hmm, all right, thank you, I appreciate you. I appreciate you very much being here. I appreciate you taking the time yet again to stay for the after party, because after the show it's the after party. What look? And?

Speaker 2:

this light is showing up during this after party. I'm like come on light, just keep it together.

Speaker 1:

We almost done Right right Up top, please. Technology can do what it wants to do. The message is going to get out. I appreciate you for your vulnerability. I appreciate you for sharing the intimate details and really just having taking the time to think and give a really applicable answer. Applicable and something you can apply, something that that you can actually take the information and apply it and really work with it. So thank you yet yet again. You're amazing. Can't wait to have you back when you drop those books, ma'am I totally forgot.

Speaker 2:

I have a t-shirt line coming out it's quotes. I know it's quotes from the book. Uh, that are going to be on t-shirts and they will actually launch this Friday, so I'm excited.

Speaker 1:

Wait, say that again.

Speaker 2:

I was like I'm excited. That's not how you said that Totally forgot. Like you said, I've been doing so much. Yes, I've been forgetting what I got going on. But yeah, so I have a store dropping and it's cute little quotes. Like I said, they're from the book shirts, purses and journals, so super excited.

Speaker 1:

So they can go to your website.

Speaker 2:

Yes, they can go to my website. It'll be under apparel, or you can just follow me again on Instagram. I'll be launching the links and, um, you can actually go on there. Now I have um, what the shirts will look like and, uh, just be ready for it to drop before black friday, on friday baby be ready with your shirts.

Speaker 1:

Oh my goodness ma'am.

Speaker 2:

Okay, let me go over here now because I forgot about the background music.

Speaker 1:

I think it just gives energy. It gives the energy and keeps the conversation moves, like one side of your brain is the thinking part and one is the artistic and so creative, and so I just I just like to have that there, as long as it's not interfering. If it's interfering with the quality of the episode, yeah, that's got to go because the information needs to get out. I appreciate you taking the time to stay for the after party. Yes, thank you for having me, and there are even more. Miss T-shirt line dropping.

Speaker 1:

Congratulations, thank you thank you all right, everybody, we're gonna get out of here. I appreciate you guys taking the time to invest in yourself. Let me be the first one to give you some applause again. If infidelity is something you are facing, there's a coach right here. This is ready, willing and able to help in your situation. She's a an affair recovery coach. Why? Because there is life after infidelity. Y'all have a great one. See you next time. Bye.