Confident You NETWORK with Marion Swingler

SETTING SAIL ON LOVE'S JOURNEY: Monique The Coaches Nine-Step Roadmap to Finding True Love and Nurturing Healthy Relationships

• Marion Swingler • Episode 35

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Navigating the choppy waters of modern dating can be daunting, but Monique, our cherished relationship coach, sails back onto the podcast by popular demand, compass in hand. She's here to chart the course with a nine-step roadmap designed to help you discover true love. As someone who's journeyed from the solitary island of single motherhood to the thriving continent of love guru, I can't wait to share how Monique's insights and strategies can lead you to the relationship you've always wanted.

In this heartfelt episode, we explore how to raise the anchor on your love life, starting with a deep dive into what you don't want in a partner. This essential first step clears the decks for recognizing your heart's true desires. Monique and I also discuss the art of list-making—not as an arbitrary checklist, but as a beacon of self-awareness that helps you navigate through the fog of potential partners. You'll discover the "Sierra sauce," that secret ingredient adding magic to your quest for a fairy-tale romance.

Communication is the wind in your sails when it comes to relationships, so we share our most treasured navigational tools for speaking and listening with authenticity. Learn how to steer clear of dead-end relationships with advice on engaging in meaningful locations and establishing clear boundaries. With Monique's guidance and my own transformative experiences, this episode promises to be the lighthouse guiding you towards the warm shores of love and connection. So, set your course and join us for a voyage into the heart of healthy relationships.

CONNECT AND FOR MORE:
linktr.ee/moniquethecoach

ON LINKTREE, YOU CAN ACCESS:
- Book your FREE Consultation to begin
- GRAB YOUR BOOK: "The Love Magnet Attraction Formula" by Monique the Coach"
- LADIES SIGN UP: Magnetic Woman Roadmap Challenge!

FOLLOW ON Instagram:
 @moniquethecoach  

CHAPTERS:
0:00 - Introduction to Healthy Dating
2:45 - Monique's Coaching Philosophy
7:25 - Ideal Partner Characteristics
13:16 - Significance of Partner Criteria
16:54 - Awareness in Relationship Goals
18:13 - Vision for Future Relationships
22:28 - Self-Love in Dating
27:35 - Vulnerability in Relationships
29:35 - Developing Communication Skills
36:55 - Strategies for Meeting Partners
41:39 - Assessing Relationship Compatibility
46:55 - Connecting with Coach Monique
49:40 - Women's Group Coaching Invitation
52:04 - First Date Confidence Tips
53:18 - Concluding Dating Advice
54:28 - Gratitude and Acknowledgments
55:11 - Support Resources Announcement
_________________________________________________________________
FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELP
Call for more information on domestic abuse or to get help for yourself/someone you love. 
Bethany House
1-888-80HELPS  
1-888-804-3577

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 
1-800-799- SAFE
1-800-799-7233 
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Speaker 1:

Yo, welcome to Confident you Podcast. You saw it took me a minute to get here, but I'm here now and it's time to get it done.

Speaker 1:

Listen, calling all my single ladies, all my single ladies, listen, don't put your hands up. I'm gonna need you to go and get a piece of paper and a pen Because when I tell you we're about to get all the game that we need on dating. Do you understand? The ratio of men to women is so imbalanced that the only way that you're going to be able to have a fair shot in the game of dating I don't even want to call it a game, I don't even want to call it a game but you definitely need a playbook for the seriousness of a healthy relationship with yourself in dating, with yourself going into another relationship.

Speaker 1:

So we are here with the one and only Listen, she's here because I heard your cry. She was here before and she came back for us to be able to help us ladies be able to successfully date right now, partnered up and unfortunately in me, looking up the statistics, literally, it says partnered up. That means some married and some living together romantically. So partnered up. So partnered up, that's a 69%. But those that are single, that's 31% of the people here in the United States of America single.

Speaker 1:

Do you know that? Half of them don't even try to date? They've just, in a sense we have given up, half of us have just given up on the whole process of dating. So I just knew some in conversations with friends and passing, just going through different things that have been said here, they said, listen, I need you to get Monique the coach back on. I need her to help us to actually have some practical tips, listen, a playbook to be able to go into this dating and relationship game. So, without any further ado, monique the coach and all the ladies go wild. How are you beautiful?

Speaker 2:

Hi, my love, how are you? How you doing this evening?

Speaker 1:

I'm doing well. No complaints at all when I say at all at all. Do you know how elated, excited I am about you, about to delve into this topic that is holding back so many, so many? You have no idea how many conversations have been held around your last appearance, wow. So I'm very excited for you to be back to help the Confident you families, particularly all my single ladies. Listen, all those with me say aye, and here we are, and we are ready. We are ready to receive from you. I'm excited because there are so many questions around dating, but I just want the people just give them just a synopsis of just a snippet of your, your mission, your mission, what it is you do and why?

Speaker 2:

Well, first and foremost, I am honored to be back on the Confidently podcast. I'm honored to be back in front of your audience, your single ladies. I'm just honored to be here. So, with that being said, I help single mothers attract the love that they deserve and desire by way of my nine step roadmap, even if they've given up on love, right, because the dating pool is loud, it's messy, it's a lot of noise out here in these dating streets, right? So I help, I hold, I hold your hand and walk you through the dating process to lead you to finding your person and eventually living happily ever after. And, to sum it all up, I got that Sierra sauce.

Speaker 1:

Let me find out. Got the Sierra sauce. I got the Sierra sauce, and why do you do what you do? Just interested in knowing. I want the people to understand why this is a passion.

Speaker 2:

It is my passion and my purpose, because at one point I was that single mother looking for love. I was a mom of three. I was alone in these dating streets. I didn't have, at the time, relationship coaching, wasn't a thing, and I had to figure it out. And I just kept journal after journal after journal throughout my journey and then, maybe about nine months into my journey, I found my person. Five months later we were married, you know, and here we are, six years later, still going strong. So my passion comes from turning around and looking back at younger me, right. And then, as I started doing the research, there are 4.7 million single mother homes in the United States that look like us, right, 4.7 million. And so my goal is to help 100,000, 100,000, right, and that sounds like a large number, but out of 4.7 million, I just. My desire is to bridge the gap and to put a dad in those households. But it first has to start with the head of the household, which is the mom. And so here I am, monique the coach.

Speaker 1:

Wow, monique the coach out to help a hundred thousand women get into dating, get into healthy relationships, healthy dating to have a more healthier, balanced household. That is absolutely beautiful, an amazing mission to have on your heart and in your purpose of life. How do you get started with that? I am a single mom. I am not in the dating game. So these questions that I have for you are questions that come from me and my friends because, listen, we need to understand. What is it that we need to do to get there? But I understand you have a nine step program.

Speaker 2:

I do.

Speaker 1:

So where do I start? What's step one, ma'am?

Speaker 2:

Well, step one is, of course, it starts with your desire. So create a list. And that sounds simple to sit down and create a list. But if you don't know what you're looking for, what do you put on that list? Right? And so what I tell my clients is to first start with what you know, and what you know is what you don't want, right.

Speaker 1:

You know what you don't?

Speaker 2:

want Right? So so, some of the things that you've experienced in the past. Some of the things that you've experienced in the past, some of the things that you've seen growing up, and what? What did you witness as a child as far as relationships are concerned? Did you witness whole, wholesome unions and communication and love? Did you witness, uh, shouting and fighting and um, a lot of um, discontentment just all over the place when it comes to relationships and love? What did you witness?

Speaker 2:

We got to start there because we got to peel back the layers. It's easy to say I want to start dating, oh, let me get on this website and start clicking around, but you can't put a Band-Aid on the cut. You got to clean the cut first. You got to dig out all the yuck and the muck and get what's up under there in order for it to heal properly before you can move forward. So we start with creating a list. That's the first thing. And, again, like I said, if you don't know what you want, you know what you don't want, so you can start. Right, you can write that down on the left side of your page. All the things that I don't want Someone who yells, I don't want. Someone who drinks. I don't want someone who commits adultery and then just write the opposite on the right side of the page. That would be step one. How does that sound?

Speaker 1:

that step one sounds amazing. I want to get into this step one you, because you unpacked some vital components, I think, to the process of dating. I'm really appreciative that you said, listen, you don't just jump in and get on the website and start clicking and you haven't done, essentially, your homework, right, right. And I would think that, going through this list you mentioned um, go back to your childhood and look at the things that you saw Going back. What does that reflection? Besides coming ending up with a list, what else do you find this process, this first step? What other process does it take you through to get you to make step one solidified and complete?

Speaker 2:

Because, I'm looking back, right? And so when I say look back and reflect and relate, make a list I'm talking about all the relationships you've seen, because you may have come from a home where you've had your mom and your dad and they had a loving marriage, but Aunt Brenda came over every holiday and she had a different man on her arm every time she came over and you looked up to Aunt Brenda and so to you, that's what love looks like, because that is what you idolize, right? Never mind mom and dad yeah, they were there and they got along. That's great. But my mom Brenda every time she come up and she got on a new fur and a new boo on her arm. And so to you, as the eight, nine, 10 year old little girl, that's exciting and to you, that's love.

Speaker 2:

And so, in unpacking all of that, when I sit with my clients one-on-one or in groups, right which we're going to tap into we unpack all of those things and discover what love looks like to you. And so, as you go over your list and go over and rewrite and do it again and do it again, you can find that you keep adding things, and what I encourage is to start with a list of 30 things minimum, because it's easy to say I want him to have good credit and it's easy to focus on the outside, but then you want to tap into the things and the way that you desire to feel and the way you want to feel long-term. I need him to be kind, I want him to be loving to children that aren't his as a single mother. If what you're asking he has to be, maybe open to therapy, maybe an entrepreneur.

Speaker 2:

Just the things that we normally would write on a list go a little bit deeper, and that's why I usually tell my clients 30 things to start with. As we work together, the list does increase, and not that it's a list of demands or requirements, but it's a list of awareness and so that you know what it is that you will accept and that you won't accept. Because when you start dating and you get to that table and he smells divine, you will forget honey that Jean-Paul Gaultier will make you forget your good common sense, will make you forget your good common sense. And so this list is important to carry with you throughout your dating experience, whether it's in your phone and you look at it when he goes to the bathroom or you look at it before you. Whatever, just you have to keep it in your prefrontal cortex in order to stay focused.

Speaker 1:

So how important this list? Is it that you're to believe that you make these 30 things and he has to meet all 30 of these things?

Speaker 2:

no, not no, and I don't want to give one for a false expectation. But if you start, if you look at that list and you start checking and you start checking and there are that you categorize the list as well, start checking and you start checking and there are that you categorize the list as well, that's something else that we get into. But there are some non-negotiables, right? So one of one of the things that was on my list was the way that he treats people outside of he and I when we're dating. So at a restaurant table, if he's rude to the waitress, if he's rude to the person behind us, or if he's rude to those waitress, if he's rude to the person behind us, if he's rude to those people, at some point that's going to be projected towards me. I don't want that. So that's an automatic no for me on my list.

Speaker 2:

And so the non-negotiables if he's checking those off, there may be certain things that you're like yeah, I could tolerate that. You know his ears are a little funny, but that's okay. You know it's not a big deal, because maybe my ears are funny to him, I mean, and it sounds superficial and it sounds petty, but those are things that we're human, yes, and in looking at somebody that you have to look at for the rest of your life, it has to be something that you feel like you can deal with on a daily basis. And you got to be honest with yourself so that potential partner does not have to check off all of the things, but the non-negotiables. You will want him to check off a lot of those.

Speaker 1:

So what would you say? Are the five top or three? We'll just do three. Three top, non-negotiables that you found.

Speaker 2:

Well, like I said, the rudeness to strangers. I can't tolerate that Because, like I said at some point, that'll be turned around and directed towards me. That's number one. Number two is what is his relationship like with his family, and that includes if he has children. Is he seeing his children on a regular basis? Is he taking care of his children? That matters, that falls under the category of him being a provider overall. So is he interacting with his guardian or his mother, the people who raised him? Where does he touch base on the holiday? Is he a nomad? Does he not speak to his family? Him not communicating with his siblings and his family? It unfortunately shows that he has the lack of communication skills, right, and so that will trickle over into the relationship that he has with you.

Speaker 2:

And so that's number two. And then number three would just be overall, how how he keeps himself, like his cleanliness. I'm big on hygiene, so for me, any fragrance coming from a human other than a good smell. So that was one of the things on my list, and again it might seem petty or superficial, but I have a thing with fragrance and again, I'm big on hygiene. So those are the top three things on my list that were non-negotiable okay, okay, so you really need to know yourself say it again.

Speaker 2:

I said your relationships, your smell and how you treat strangers, those are non-negotiable for me very good, very good in that.

Speaker 1:

In making that list, you really need to know yourself now in making this list. How much of this list should you be reflecting, should you be a representation of?

Speaker 2:

And that's a great question, because when I sat down to create my list and I didn't know what I wanted, I went within and I said, okay, let me put myself on this list. I know that I'm kind, I know that I have a lot of love to give, I know that I'm patient. So I wrote down my characteristics because at the time I had not experienced what a good man looks like, I had no idea how to identify a good man. You know unquote. And so I wrote myself on my list. You know, and, and it just so happens that when my husband appeared, he he's me, he's a reflection of me. So we, we mirror, match each other. So basically all of my list reflected who I was at the time.

Speaker 1:

Wow, okay, okay, now I'm ready to move on to step two. I got my notepad, I'm ready. Step one List of awareness. Is what that list is.

Speaker 2:

Right. List of awareness Right. And so step two is create your vision. Create your vision, your vision. Create the what, what, what, what does what does it say? Make what? What's the scripture?

Speaker 1:

I know, you know what I'm saying vision, and make it plain so that they can do it, they can follow it.

Speaker 2:

That is correct so now, and this may seem juvenile, but you know what it's not juvenile it it's necessary, it's very necessary, because when we have pictures in front of us, then we tend to look for those things. So create your vision board of your partner, your love board, right, and the steps that I'm sharing with you are the exact things that I did to attract my husband and the exact things that I teach my clients, whom all of which are married or seriously dating one specific person. So create your vision board, love board, and an example of that would be I knew that I wanted a man of a certain hue, a chocolate man, right, and so I cut out a man, specifically at the gym, a chocolate man at the gym, and I put that on my love, on my love board, because I knew that I wanted him to be physically fit. The same with him shopping in the produce section, the same with him with another man teaching children, all of the things. I knew that I needed him to be someone who could teach me. I didn't want to be the smartest one in our relationship. I wanted. I wanted to be equally yoked. That's what I wanted. So creating that love board allowed me to see him and visualize him and know that he was real, because I had said to myself God, there's no way in the world that you have created all of this and there's nobody to match. I said that and I said I know, like. I know, like I know that there is a man out here for me and that was the end of that. I sealed the deal, I put a cap on it and I lived my life as though I was married Mind, body and spirit.

Speaker 2:

I practiced celibacy Look, I'm jumping ahead to step seven and eight. You and spirit. I practiced celibacy. Look, I'm jumping ahead to step seven and eight. You're good. I practiced celibacy and I did small things, like I brought him a toothbrush, I cleared out a space I believe I shared this with you in our last meeting I cleared out a drawer for him and I even drew a stick figure and wrote husband on the top of it and put it over my mirror and I talked to this picture as though he were a real person. Good morning husband. I was married. In my head, you couldn't tell me nothing. I've never heard that, right. It sounds a little crazy, but it works. I've never heard that, right. It sounds a little a little bit crazy, but it works. You visualize it, you act as if. So that was me acting as if wait.

Speaker 1:

So essentially you practice the game before you actually got put in by the coach right, there we go.

Speaker 2:

Yes, I tapped my own self in, but I had to be in the field playing the thing first and I and it didn't. It didn't dawn on me to share my this. This is my journal. These steps are my journal, my journaling during my celibacy. And it didn't dawn on me that I could teach this to women until I taught it to a family member, and then I taught it to her friend, and then I taught it to another friend, and all three of them are married by way of these steps. And so I said wait a minute, I got something here. I got something here. Let me share this with the world.

Speaker 2:

And then I started researching it, got something here. Let me share this with the world. And then I started researching it, and that's when I realized that there were 4.7 million single mothers single black mothers in the united states. Somebody out here needs help, and they need what I got and they need what you got honey.

Speaker 1:

Yes, and we need what you got.

Speaker 2:

Step three step three is to cultivate self-love. Right, and I would say that that should be number one. But you got to figure it out first, and figure out what you want and then create the vision. And then now you start working on who you want to be, who do you want to attract, and so you start to become the love that you desire. It's easy to say I want a man, but if you're not acting as if and cultivating the love for yourself, if you don't love you, who's going to love you? So you have to love you first and cultivate your relationship with your source. Step three is cultivate, cult, cultivate self-love. And so that would be taking yourself to dinner the things that we already know as self-love, the journaling, the prayers, the meditation. Taking yourself to dinner spas all of the things that we know already, and then whatever that looks like for you, but it has to be incorporated on your journey you.

Speaker 1:

You say the things that we already know, but it would be a you would be amazed to know how many people are obese, overweight, like extremely overweight, um, in the area and I'm talking obese in the area of not doing the things that they should be doing. I'm not talking about weight, weight, body weight. I'm just saying the bad thinking of situations is so large that it overshadows the person that's actually there. So, while that person that's that, that higher person that you are, knows that they should be doing these things, you're fleshly and I'm talking figured I'm not talking the actual body of obesity, but just that the bad thinking is such a heavy weight and patterns and cycles that, even though you know it's the right thing to do, people would say you know I pray, yeah, okay. So do you get up, do you pray every day and things like that. How consistent are you with the connections in healthy relationship activities? Would you say? For me, praying is me talking with god. That's a healthy practice of keeping our relationship open and fluent, so fluid so I can hear him, so that I can receive from him. So you saying, um, we all know these things, we, we do, we know a lot, we know that we shouldn't speed and we still get speed. What I do.

Speaker 1:

I said something we know we. There are things that we know that we shouldn't do. We shouldn't dash across the street and you see traffic coming at you Like I think I could beat that car Right, that's coming on the green light. You think okay, but you know we all do it. I'm not exempting myself from the conversation. I'm just pointing out that, even though we know of the thing, it doesn't mean we're doing the thing of the thing. It doesn't mean we're doing the thing. How do you help people implement those things that we all know about, we know of, we believe, we even think that they are beneficial, but we're not doing them?

Speaker 2:

Right. And so, with that being said, knowing and doing are two different things, right? So when I say cultivate self-love, what that looks like outside of manicures and massages and brunch and things of that nature take some time to be quiet. Right, and these are specific action steps that I'm speaking of. If you're not familiar with how to cultivate self-love, take some time and get quiet and sit with yourself in the wee hours of the morning. Wake up early 5 am, 5.30, 6 o'clock, whatever time you have to be at work, whatever time you get up to start your day, do 30 minutes earlier than that and sit with yourself and God or your source, whoever that may be to you and journal, be quiet. Read some scripture. That is what I do and that's what I share with my clients when they don't know what cultivating self-love looks like. So you start with getting quiet and journaling and it just unfolds from there. Did that answer your question?

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, it did All right. I am ready to move on from cultivating self-love. With that very, very descriptive and practical tip of how to start that process, I'm ready to go to step four this is a big one.

Speaker 2:

This is a big one, I call it the v word right embrace vulnerability. Oh child, I'm still working with that. You see, that was a little sting for me. I'm still working with that. That was a little sting for me. I'm still working with the v word right. What does that mean to you?

Speaker 1:

embrace vulnerability in what area of life?

Speaker 2:

as far as willing to put yourself out there to look for love, to start the dating process. Embracing vulnerability allows you to give yourself grace and to understand that you might not get it right To have no expectations. You date with intention, but when you meet someone, you're not expecting them to provide you with the world, because dating is interviewing right, and so we know that possibly the first person that we connect with when we decide to start dating may not be that person that we wrote down on our list, and that's okay. And so embracing vulnerability is just giving yourself grace and allowing yourself to know that it's a process. It's a process and don't get caught up in. This is what I want, this is on my list and he has to. He smells good, so it has to be him. Don't get caught up in those things. So when I say embrace, allow yourself some grace because it's a process.

Speaker 1:

Allow yourself some grace, because it's a process, man. That yes, okay, yes, all right. So we got one, two, three, four, we are on to five we are on to five.

Speaker 2:

Five is enhance your communication skills. Go ahead, give it to me what you got. I'm listening, I'm intrigued. So enhancing your communication skills looks like being an active listener and actually being involved in what it is that the person sitting across from you is saying. You know, maybe repeating some of the things that he has said to you, to show that you are listening and you're actually listening and you're involved in engaging conversation. And not only that when there's nothing being said, when the date is over and you go home and he goes home and you are, you know, that was an amazing date, I had such a wonderful time.

Speaker 2:

Communicate that. Let him know. It's okay with saying, hey, I had a great time, hope to see you again. Those things are okay. Communicate how you feel. Communicate, talk about. Talk about it. And if you are having a back and forth with this person you know this is someone that's been contacting you. It's a month, it's a month and a half, it's two months and he starts to fall back. It's okay with saying, hey, I haven't heard from you in a while. Is everything okay? And not in a way of desperation, but just in a way of hey, what's happening, so that you know where you stand and you won't feel like you're being left out on a limb or just wondering Feel all that noise by just communicating.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so I can say right here this is everything opposite of things that I have heard in the past, because there's like this you wait this amount of days and you, you don't call first and you all of those different things that you've been told, those are the tools that I can say a lot of people are operating from. You're just saying, just say it, just say it.

Speaker 2:

And those are rules that apply to the masses. But you're looking to cultivate a relationship. You want to water that thing. You have to take care of the of whatever relationship that it is that you're looking to cultivate. So, if you've planted a seed in your garden, you're not going to wait for Charlie Schmo from around the corner to come and water your garden. You're going to take care of your garden yourself, right? And so if the energy is not being reciprocated, then okay, you can move on and you can fall back. But initially, there's nothing wrong with saying, hey, is everything okay? And if the energy is not being reciprocated, then it's okay to move on.

Speaker 2:

And in addition to that, in addition to all of that, you should be dating multiple people. Dating not having relations with, but you should be dating. The dating process is an interview, no different than when you're interviewing for a job. There are multiple candidates, so you want to have starting lineup. You want to have a lineup of good candidates so that you can choose or, excuse me, so that they can choose you, but don't limit yourself to one at a time.

Speaker 1:

Don't limit yourself to one at a time. Don't do that.

Speaker 2:

You waste your own time.

Speaker 1:

Why do you consider that a waste of time?

Speaker 2:

You have. You're dating and you have one person that you know he may fit some of the things on your list and you're having a good time with him. He's not very consistent with communication, but you really like him and you're open to what might happen, but he hasn't solidified anything for you. So you're three, four months down the line and you're still having a good time and every now and then he calls you. You know, hey, I want to take you out, let's hang out. You have a great time and he still hasn't solidified anything with you. And six months go by and a year goes by and you're still waiting for him to say you know what I think? I want a relationship with you.

Speaker 2:

That's a year wasted. We, we don't have time. We don't have that kind of time, right. So I say date many and you'll find that that's a piece of advice that you know a lot of relationship coaches give with an end goal in mind. So if you're having two, three, four friends that you're seeing at once, somebody's going to step up and that's the reason why I say you're wasting your own time, just multiple.

Speaker 1:

All right, you're saying date multiple to optimize and not waste your time. I get it. I definitely do so. We got a list of awareness. We got create your vision. We got cultivate self love. You got that V word. You got to be vulnerable.

Speaker 2:

Did you all right over there. I do that V word, that V word. I'm still listen. That never goes away, ever. So I'm listening to you and I'm letting it penetrate me as you're reiterating what I shared with you.

Speaker 1:

Are you serious?

Speaker 2:

It's one of my steps and I'm still working on it.

Speaker 1:

But the one that I really, really all of these steps are great. That communicating how do you, if you're already not a great communicator? How would you say someone should cultivate getting better at communicating?

Speaker 2:

getting better at communicating. So, if you know that communication is one of the things that you need to work on, there are books I don't have the list with me, I can send that to you and you can pin it in the comment section but there are books that you can read. I would recommend, maybe, working with a therapist, taking some speech classes, some active listening classes, any activity that's going to help you enhance your communication working with a therapist, taking some speech classes, some active listening classes, any activity that's going to help you enhance your communication. If that's something you need to work on, and if you're not sure whether or not that's you, if everywhere you go, there's a problem with how you communicate with people or you always end up in an argument, then you may be that person that needs to enhance your communication skills. Sorry, not sorry.

Speaker 1:

Not, sorry not sorry. Not sorry, all right, okay, step six. I'm just thinking about that. Wait, we're on six, right? Yes, ma'am.

Speaker 2:

Six is expand your social circles. He's probably not going to come up to you in the Target parking lot. He might not be. I don't know if you want to meet him at the bar or at the supermarket. So be intentional about going out and not just to the bar or the club. But you want to pick places like the golf course or the gun range or the cigar room, places where the men that you're interested in frequent. I don't know if you are looking to build a long-term relationship with someone who's at the club every weekend. I don't suggest that because that may indicate infidelity, a little fornication, and you might not be looking for that right. So my suggestion are the golf courses, the cigar rooms, the gun range places where you know men of a certain caliber will be, and you can run into them there.

Speaker 1:

Okay, all right, seven, I can there. Okay, all right, seven, I can't. Seven.

Speaker 2:

I need you to give me what you got on six.

Speaker 1:

Listen, because six it's the locations. It's very important to me that the locations be something you're associated with, so I understand the suggestions you gave. But if you're introvert and you like books, the library, the library right, the bookstore Starbucks.

Speaker 1:

Right, look around and they'll just be reading a book on a topic you like. A book on a topic you like. How then? This is it, this is it. I get to that place, I'm at that, live in that environment. That's a restaurant with a live band. That's me. I like food. I like food and I love music. So to put those, pair those two together, that's a good environment for me. I get there, how do I approach? How do I make myself seen to whom is catching my eye?

Speaker 2:

How do I catch his eye? For me, typically I like to do a little bit of flirting, not so forward, but just a little sprinkle of walking by Wherever you are, a little whiz by, a little hair fling. You know eye contact and you, you can even wave a little bit, a little, a little bit of flirting, which any man that's interested in you is automatically going to know that that's an open door. Oh, she likes me. Excuse me, fellas, I'll be right back. So for me, typically I don't. I don't encourage my clients to approach, but you can, if that's, if you are bold enough to do so. You can, but keep it cute and classy and ladylike, with a little third and hey, I noticed you noticing me something of that nature okay, okay, okay.

Speaker 1:

I just was like okay, so let me tell you where I was stuck. Okay, you said the gun range how I'm gonna walk up to him. How are we gonna do that?

Speaker 2:

ask for help. Can you help me? I'm sorry, can you help me? You, you be creative, be creative. I don't know Be creative Now. I specifically have not been to the gun range, but I have had a client who met someone at the gun range, specifically by asking him for help. So I haven't been to the gun range to meet someone, right, but it works. So the places that are of interest to you, if it's not the gun range, that's important.

Speaker 1:

That is important.

Speaker 2:

Right, so expanding your social circles outside of where you normally go if you're looking for a potential mate all right and number seven number seven is evaluate your potential partners.

Speaker 2:

And that's where we go back to making that list. And that's when you, you, you revisit that list and honestly, you want to revisit that list through all of the steps and like it's, that's when you revisit that list and honestly, you want to revisit that list through all of the steps and that's like your guide, that's like the preface before the rest of the list, right? So you want to review that list and in that way, you determine his values. And this is where you start asking the deep questions, depending on where you are with that person, maybe the third, fourth, fifth date, that's when you want to start asking the questions.

Speaker 2:

So where did you grow up? Where's your family, how you know you, you, you pry and you ask those questions to determine whether or not this is somebody that you can see yourself with long-term. And that's when you start asking the the the questions when do you see yourself in five years? And you know well, if that person is an entrepreneur, what's your business plan and things of that nature. In addition to that, you just want to, you know, like enforce and not enforce, that's a rough word, but establish a boundary. Maybe that step seven is where you want to say you know what I'm celibate Like. However, that fits into the conversation. Now, by step seven, you're getting deeper is what I'm trying to say Establish your boundaries.

Speaker 1:

Establish your boundaries to the person or yourself.

Speaker 2:

Both, both, and you establish it to the person in conversation as it should flow. That's something that you just throw like hey, I'm celibate, don't ask me when I ain't getting none, but as it comes up in conversation, you know, at this point you should have had enough dates or enough conversations with this person where you're establishing you know well, I don't really like that or I don't do that, and things of that nature.

Speaker 1:

So you don't suggest that this boundary setting is something that's done in that first sit down, that this boundary setting is something that's done in that first sit down. If it doesn't like, if it, if something doesn't arise, and you just have this list. These are my, these are my things. I don't this here, this, this, this, this, this. That's a no for me?

Speaker 2:

I don't, I don't suggest that personally. I mean it. Just it depends on where the conversation is going. If you, if you just so happen to start talking about what are your non-negotiables, I had excuse me, actually, my last client. Within their first few conversations, they were both talking about their non-negotiables. They are both in their 40s and they were both like listen, I'm tired, I'm tired. Are you tired? Yes, I'm tired. Okay, what will you accept? Right? They're both like listen, I'm tired, I'm tired. Are you tired? Yes, I'm tired. Okay, what will you accept? Right? They're.

Speaker 2:

Both of them were like we're not doing anything outside of us. And this was in three weeks of them meeting each other. They were discussing the non-negotiables and the boundaries. So it just it depends on the flow of the relationship. But I don't, I don't suggest that you go to the table with your list like listen, I'm not doing this, I'm not having this, I'm not having that. Be easy with it and let it flow like water. Let it flow. Dating is a game and you want to be strategic and intentional but at the same time, you don't want to come out in the first quarter like woo, woo, woo. You don't want to give it all you got in the first quarter, save something for the fourth quarter.

Speaker 1:

Wow, okay, okay, and nine.

Speaker 2:

And number nine Execute, execute, the love alchemy, everything that we talked about, and that just simply means revisiting all the steps and redoing all the steps. It's a process. That's why it's a roadmap, because you're going to have to revisit it and go over it and go over it again and again and again. So, in executing everything that we talked about and you, of course, should you be working with me individually or in a group session attend all your sessions. Have the conversations, the things that are on your mind, write them down so that, when we meet, we can go over those things and take responsibility for your actions and your emotions. Take responsibility and accountability and be vulnerable for how you show up. You know if, unfortunately, if you're someone who gets boasted, often, there may be something that you are doing or a way that you are being at the table that makes someone say, oh, no, no, no, no no, that's what I want to discuss.

Speaker 1:

I want to discuss that. Oh, no, no, no, no, in the after party. I definitely want to delve into us, the ladies. I want to talk about how we can better position ourselves to be in the dating. We can better position ourselves to be in the dating in healthy dating scenarios and, realistically, in pursuit of healthy relationships. I definitely want to do that in the after party. I want to thank you for being here.

Speaker 1:

Listen, everyone. If you do not understand, you better make that list of awareness. You better create that vision, you better cultivate self-love. And don't forget that V word. You're going to need to be vulnerable. You're going to need to open up. Don't forget to communicate. Extend your social circles. I can say it, I can't I can't Extend your social circles. Circles, circles. I can say it, I can't. I can't Extend your social circles. And seven evaluate. Eight establish boundaries. And nine execute Establish boundaries and nine execute. Listen, thank you for taking us through the nine steps to get into that healthy dating and healthy relationship that we desire. That's not even a game, that's not. Thank you for coming and giving us this amazing playbook. Listen, anybody who wants to work with Monique the coach, or you want to hear more insight into what she has to discuss. I am going to yield the floor to her Now. Tell everyone how they can have an opportunity to work with you.

Speaker 2:

Well, you can follow me on Instagram at Monique the coach, as you see my name here, just like that, no spaces. If you would like to purchase a copy of my ebook, the love magnet attraction formula, right, you can go ahead and follow me on my. You can hit me up on my link tree, which is also at Monique the coach. That's where you can connect with me and you can also book your free consultation and make sure you put in the remarks that you came over from Marion, make sure that you put in the remarks that you came over from the Confident you podcast family and let me know that Marion sent you. Ok, I want to work with you, so come on over, hit that link tree, grab the e-book so you can have these steps in your back pocket, as well as book a consultation.

Speaker 2:

I will also be hosting a woman's roadmap group coaching class every Wednesday in December, from December 6th through the 27th, where we're going to dive into these nine steps. I'll be sharing with you all how to peel back the layers, everything that I went through today times 10, because we're going to be doing this for four weeks, right? So come on in, dive in, click the link tree and fill out your application and I will contact you so we can get you set up for December 6th and we can go over these nine steps and we can talk about the dating process and we can talk about how to hook you up with your dating apps and all the things dating. Get in this December class, it's going to be fire.

Speaker 1:

Boy, get in this December class. It's going to be fire. I'm excited. You should have seen me dancing. I am so excited. Listen, this is how you contact her. Get into that link tree. Follow her on her social media. This is not one moment. Follow her on her social media.

Speaker 1:

It is very important that we celebrate and support each other. We celebrate and support each other. So I just wanted to thank you for being here to support me, to support me and the community that I'm building, because it's very important to me to have confidence in our community and confidence in the things that we do, the things that we do, the things that we say, the way that we live, the way that we're interacting. If we can get ourselves together, it helps us to get the help. The next generation get together and the next generation to get together. So I'm just grateful that you were here and this is how you follow her at Monique the Coach Listen positively, absolutely beautiful you are. I appreciate you.

Speaker 1:

Listen, y'all definitely wanna join the after party, ladies. We're gonna get into us. We're gonna get into us. There is a component here that she discussed and I really wanna get into that, but before we get out of here, I would like it if you could give us just a few confident tips on approaching that first date. Get that call, you're going. What should you do?

Speaker 2:

Ladies, be intentional, be intentional and stay intentional. It's not enough to just be intentional, but you got to stay intentional. Keep that list with you, read that list over and over again and stay focused. The goal is for you to stay focused so that you can end up as somebody's wife. You know how they say pick me. Yes, I want him to pick me. Pick me is the goal. Stay focused and be intentional.

Speaker 1:

Stay focused and be intentional. We're gonna talk about that intentional woman as soon as we get to that after party. Thank you so much, monique the coach, again for joining us to share these nine steps into successful dating. I'm excited. Healthy dating oh my goodness. She ready. Hold on just a moment, I'll be right back. Listen everyone.

Speaker 1:

The information she shared I feel is very valuable. So I definitely feel you know someone, you've got some good girlfriends. Y'all need to sit down and this could be the center of that conversation. Y'all need to just go ahead, order something, sit down, push play, let this play, and really discuss how you guys are approaching dating, how you're approaching relationships. In those conversations, your girlfriends may be able to say, yeah, because you know what, your communication, wait what. Yeah, you need to work on that. I'll be honest this and this and this, and they'll be able to share with you.

Speaker 1:

Do not take offense. Don't build a fence and then have yourself stuck inside and then nobody can get in and you can't get out. Pull that down and just go ahead and have those real conversation. Listen, and friends are healthy people that want the best for you. So let's say that. So let's say that. Make sure they are healthy people that want the best for you. All right, so make sure you like share 1-888-80-HELPS, that's 43577. Bethany House is here to assist. Listen, they're here to assist globally. Call them, let them know what's going on so they can help you have a safe plan of escape to a better and a healthier you. All right, listen. Or you can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, that's 1-800-799-SAFE 7-2-3-3. Again, I thank you for taking the time to join us. Confident you listen? All my single ladies follow me over to the after party. Y'all have a great one and see you there.