Confident You NETWORK with Marion Swingler

BONUS #16: THE AFTER PARTY: EMBODYING LOVE AND PURPOSE: Guidance on Attracting the Right Partner and Cultivating Authentic Connections with Monique The Coach from CYP eps 35

May 16, 2024 • Marion Swingler • Episode 16

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Hey there Confident You! We have got to talk about this.

Discover the blueprint for attracting the love you deserve as we're joined by Monique the coach, a beacon of wisdom in the realm of romance and self-discovery. Our latest episode takes you on an exploration of what it truly means to embody the love you seek, drawing inspiration from the biblical narrative of Ruth and Boaz. We dive into the heart of vulnerability, authenticity, and the transformative power of commitment, offering a modern playbook for purposeful dating that resonates with anyone on the journey to find love.

Engaging in self-improvement isn't just about attracting a partner; it's a crucial aspect of personal growth that enhances every facet of your life. This episode sheds light on the internal work necessary to cultivate a genuine, unconditional love, from journaling and meditation to caring for your physical well-being. We underscore the importance of discernment in dating and how embodying the qualities you seek in a partner is the secret ingredient to finding a truly harmonious match.

The conversation doesn't end with finding love; it continues into the ongoing evolution required within relationships. We delve into the nuances of active listening, honest feedback, and the courage to be vulnerable, particularly when navigating financial disparities between partners. With Monique's expert guidance, her 'Love Magnet Attraction Formula,' and her 'Magnetic Woman Roadmap Challenge,' we offer a comprehensive guide to breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationships and confidently stepping into a life filled with love and purpose. Tune in for a discussion that promises not just insights but a lifeline to those seeking to realize their worth and potential in love.

CONNECT AND FOR MORE:
linktr.ee/moniquethecoach

ON LINKTREE, YOU CAN ACCESS:
- Book your FREE Consultation to begin
- GRAB YOUR BOOK: "The Love Magnet Attraction Formula" by Monique the Coach"
- LADIES SIGN UP: Magnetic Woman Roadmap Challenge!

FOLLOW ON Instagram:
 @moniquethecoach  

CHAPTERS:
0:00 - Introduction to Healthy Dating
2:45 - Monique's Coaching Philosophy
7:25 - Ideal Partner Characteristics
13:16 - Significance of Partner Criteria
16:54 - Awareness in Relationship Goals
18:13 - Vision for Future Relationships
22:28 - Self-Love in Dating
27:35 - Vulnerability in Relationships
29:35 - Developing Communication Skills
36:55 - Strategies for Meeting Partners
41:39 - Assessing Relationship Compatibility
46:55 - Connecting with Coach Monique
49:40 - Women's Group Coaching Invitation
52:04 - First Date Confidence Tips
53:18 - Concluding Dating Advice
54:28 - Gratitude and Acknowledgments
55:11 - Support Resources Announcement
_________________________________________________________________
FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELP
Call for more information on domestic abuse or to get help for yourself/someone you love. 
Bethany House
1-888-80HELPS  
1-888-804-3577

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 
1-800-799- SAFE
1-800-799-7233 
__________________________________________________________________
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Speaker 1:

Yo, welcome to the after party. The last time you saw us together, you saw us in episode 35 of Confident you Podcast. Let me tell you something Monique the coach is not playing with us Ladies. She was calling all the single ladies and she gave us an actual playbook to be able to approach dating much more effectively with a goal in mind, so that we know exactly which way we're running and what the actual mission of the plan is. I'm so excited that you stayed with us. Listen, thank you so much for everything you've already invested in the Confident you tribe. I just I appreciate you. My goodness, that plan was very effective.

Speaker 1:

Listen, if you also have not seen my first time. Listen this is another appearance on the Confident you network platform, that first time. Listen, this is another appearance on on the confident you network platform that first time she came through. Listen episode 26 love, don't live here anymore. You definitely want to go back and check that out. When I say the woman is fire, I'm not playing. She out here blazing up everything you thought you knew, Trying to get you purified into where you want and need to be. Listen, Monique, how are you?

Speaker 2:

Good evening, my dear. I am well. I am well. Thank you for having me on the after party. The after party okay, we scratching it up, we mixing and flipping, and all of that it's a party. It's the after party. We scratching it up, we mixing and flipping, and all of that it's a party. It's the after party. Listen, I'm here to spread straight facts, answer any questions that you have, have girl talk conversations and just be authentic and and give me a minute and vulnerable, not the V, the V word.

Speaker 1:

Not the V word. Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not understand the definition and the depths of the V word, you definitely want to go back and check out episode 35 with Monique the coach. Listen, calling all the single ladies, listen. I just. This is where I want to pick up. This is where my heart is led me to be. I want to tell you, I want to share with you something. First, I read this amazing story and I feel like this is what ladies really want. This is what we want, want, this is what we want. I read this amazing story and I've got to tell you what we want. I want you to describe it for everyone.

Speaker 1:

So, I read this great book and in this book it told the story of a young woman who had lost her husband and she needed to or she vowed to, and she was committed to making sure that her husband's mom was still good, so much so that she didn't go back home to her people. She stayed with her husband's mom and went to her people, like she didn't go back home to mama and them she said, no, we're going to go to wherever you're going. I'm going where you're going, because to me it's never been discussed. But I think in her mind she was like my husband would not be good with me just leaving by yourself. Be good with me just leaving by yourself. So she went and on their way she starts to. She needs to take care of them. There's no, it's them two, it's two women. There's no man to take care of them.

Speaker 1:

And this is in a time where the work was not easy. You had to actually go out in a field and, and, and, and and collect food, and and, and be able to sell it or even to take care of themselves. And that's what she did. She went to this field and she said listen, can I just glean after your workers. Can I, just after your workers are finished collecting everything for the person who owns this land, who y'all working for, can Can I just go behind y'all and see if there's anything that you left and I'll just take that.

Speaker 1:

The guy was like sure she had been doing it for a while and then all of a sudden the owner came and he said yo, who that? And the guy said, well, listen, he told her her story, how she lost her husband, how she stayed with the mom, how you know, he just lets her go behind all the workers as they're working and she collects behind them and she actually finds more stuff to collect. He really didn't think nothing of it, but she actually does it. She doesn't rest, she works just like the other workers work. She, she takes the break when they take breaks and she goes back to work like she's actually working here. But that's how she's taking care of this, her, her mother-in-law, who's also widowed, right, and that's how she's taking care of everything. And he just watched. He looked at that dude and said let me tell you something don't touch him. You let her continue to do whatever she do and whatever you give them other workers you give to her it's water and stuff on the side. She gets access to that. Don't touch her, let her keep going.

Speaker 1:

Well, the her, her, her, her husband's mother found out. Her mother-in-law found out and was like yo, come here real quick when there was a big event coming up and she said I'm going to need you to go in there, get dolled up, put on your best perfume. I need you to listen to me right now, Go and prepare yourself. And she said okay, and she did it. She said I need you to now go. Wait, we're waiting, wait, we're at this big event. Everybody's just having a good time.

Speaker 1:

This mother-in-law is watching the owner and telling her just wait, wait, I'm telling you. She's watching him and watching him and right at that opportune moment, she said go, stand right there. He saw her and that is where the union of Ruth and Boaz came together. And, yes, this great book that I'm discussing is the Bible. Yeah, yeah. So Ruth found her Boaz. So I want to just share with the. I want you to share with the audience. The ladies listen, all the single ladies that want to find their Boaz. All these Ruths, all of these ladies are searching for this Boaz. What have you found to be the characteristics that most ladies are looking for in their Boaz.

Speaker 2:

First of all, you're going to make me cry Because, as you are sharing the story, I'm like I know that story, I know that story.

Speaker 2:

There's a book called God Wears my Boat, and that story sits in my heart Because what I hear when you share is unconditional love, selfless love, right. When you share is unconditional love, selfless love, right. Because she could have picked up when her husband died and said I'm going over here with my people, but she stayed in remembrance of her husband to keep her mother-in-law company and she became loved. She could have left and went on about her business. And so, with that being said to, to answer your question, the, the boas that ladies are looking for is one who, who is kind, one who is going to provide a, a strong provider.

Speaker 2:

I want to say handsome, but that is subjective, based on what you like. So handsome, right, handsome Based on what you like, handsome based on what you like, right, and just someone who's going to love you unconditionally, someone who is going to see you at the ball and nobody else. They're going to zero in on you and you're going to know, and he's going to know, and everybody's going to know he loves her. How many years y'all been together or we just met Right. That thing that, when you see it, you cannot deny, it's undeniable. That's the definition of Boaz in my book. I hope that answers your question, ma'amam it definitely does.

Speaker 1:

Strong, undeniable, handsome. As to what you want, you gave physical attributes that strong for me, I would place under. So we'll talk. I want to talk physical, emotional, spiritual, financial. I want to talk about all the things that, because you told us to make a list. Right, if you did not, if you do not know that playbook, I'm telling you go back and check out episode 35 of Confident you podcast so you can get your whole playbook and start making this list. But you told us to make a list. I really want to horn in on that component right now, that list that we're making. And we want somebody who's loving unconditionally. We want somebody that's strong and we want that undeniable connection that's not just seen by him, not just seen by me, but seen by everyone in a crowded room. Right, how do you? You have this list? How do you become a Ruth that's deserving of a love like you want? I can't say a love like that.

Speaker 2:

I love that you want.

Speaker 2:

I love that you desire. Like Oprah, you desire, you desire right. So really it's intangible because it's by you just being, simply being that love. That was Ruth. She became that. Like I said, she displayed unconditional and selfless love by doing acts of service for her mother-in-law when she could have put herself first and skated and said I'm gonna go over here with my people, with my mama and them take care. But by simply becoming the love that you desire for yourself, from going within and and connecting with, with spirit, with source, sitting down and I I'm just saying reading your Bible, right, and becoming one with spirit. That's really the only way you have to go within. If you keep it external, then you're going to keep attracting those who are superficial, who can't see you for who you are, who only want you for who you appear to be. And to turn it around on me I'm a shapely woman. There's a lot happening behind this camera.

Speaker 1:

Ladies and gentlemen, I just want you to read the original Coca-Cola bottle. You ain't never seen that. Until you've seen something Right, all right, go ahead, ma'am, okay.

Speaker 2:

Thank you for that. And I say that to say I had to be very protective of who I allowed in my space, and so my discernment was at an all-time high when I was in my dating phase, because I was practicing celibacy as those on one of my staffs right, and I said to myself, my body will know when I meet my husband. I had no idea what that meant, none. But when I did the actual service, I became love for myself myself, for my family and, you know, for the community. I was doing vision board workshops, I was volunteering here. I was doing and being simultaneously, not physically, but I'm just saying, as we met, I felt this sense of peace come over me and I wasn't in my head, I didn't have to think, oh, is he the one, or should I call him, or you know it. Just there was no chatter about him, my body knew, because I was just at peace with who I was, with who he was. So, being Ruth or being like Ruth or being like, you just do the work.

Speaker 2:

And the work consists of the journaling and reading the books. And you have to do the work as a requirement If you are looking for a lifetime partner, if you are looking to attract someone to spend the rest of your life with the work is required. That's like saying I'm hungry and I want to eat, but you don't go to the supermarket or you don't pick up the phone to order. You just sit in here saying I'm hungry. There's no food that is going to arrive in front of you, just as there is no spouse that will arrive in front of you, just as there is no spouse that will arrive in front of you without you doing. No quality spouse that's going to arrive in front of you without doing work.

Speaker 1:

So you're saying faith without works is dead Is dead. There we go, my Lord, my Lord, I really want to, okay. So I want to get into these components Physical. If you're desiring someone who is your physical attraction again yours. Everybody is different. I know tall women who like shorter guys. I know short guys who say I won't date anybody who's above me, I just, and vice versa. I know smaller dudes who like thick girls. I know thick girls that go uh-uh, he has to be my same size.

Speaker 1:

So everybody has their own. Some people love chocolate, some people love chocolate, some people love vanilla. Some people are like, listen, I like all ice cream, all the flavors. You just can't be super crazy for me. I have to feel that love, you know. So I know that there are just different aspects. But the physical. I want to talk about the physical. If you are a woman and you're looking for the rock, what do you think? Not Dwayne Johnson? Dwayne Johnson, why wouldn't I put the one I want? Listen, right now. This is my question. I'm going to get to everybody else. I'm listening.

Speaker 2:

I'm listening. I promise you, I'm listening.

Speaker 1:

I am going to get to the other questions that the people who requested you got to get her back on here. I got a question. I'm going to do a little host flag on the play and go ahead with the physical. If I am and I'm not, he's married, so I'm just saying someone who looks that way. That is the type of physical that I like. I don't mess with people. You mess with someone. That's not it. So if that's the look, what, as a woman, should I be thinking to get ready to receive that?

Speaker 2:

Well, that's simple Become that, Become that. And nobody's saying you got to be cut up with a six pack and you know old chisels. But you want to begin to take care of yourself, because a man of that caliber is someone who probably eats healthy, who is probably in the gym, maybe doesn't eat any fast foods or soft drinks, you know, maybe his alcohol intake is limited, if at all. So you want to start, start to put yourself in a mindset of I want to call them a millionaire habit. So you have a routine. You have your routine where you get up in the morning, you do your meditation, your devotional, your journaling, Give yourself a half an hour morning and then whatever 10 or 15 minute routine that you't work out, whatever 10 or 15 minute routine that's gonna work out well, your bow ass in the background.

Speaker 1:

I will put up that fake little blur screen and he'll be sitting right there next to you answering. I'm not playing. To you answering I'm not playing.

Speaker 2:

We live. He said we live. He was like okay, he good.

Speaker 2:

With that being said, in addition to that, you want to practice the same habits that your potential spouse is maybe practicing or that you think he could be, and if you don't know, you can YouTube it or Google it. What morning routine do millionaires have? What should I be doing? Like I am on google and youtube for everything. If I can't figure it out, I'm gonna google it, I'm gonna youtube it, and then I'm gonna take a little bit of this and a little bit of that and make it my own, no different than a recipe, hmm.

Speaker 1:

No different than a recipe, but an amazing recipe, I must say my grandmother used to make. I miss my grandma. I love you, grandma Rosa. She would make socket timmy cake. I would say that everything you just explained would be a socket timmy cake. Listen, say that everything you just explained would be a soccer timmy cake. Listen, I'm about this cake here, about the socket. That just going, because that's what we have right now.

Speaker 1:

Our youtube and social media has really replaced everything that we have going on right now. Googling. Most people are like Google it, go to YouTube. Yeah, that's kind of not replaced, but that's where our information avenue is right now and in these days you really don't go to the encyclopedia and things like that, and I'm hoping that, this being on Confident you Network, this is a space, a safe space, where people can also gather information and really get better at the things they want to get better at. So that is the physical component. I had another question, because you keep saying millionaires, so we're going to jump straight to. Yes, I had someone ask. They said can you ask Monique the coach how? Yes, I have a piece of paper.

Speaker 1:

Don't play with me. You thought I'm letting you know, girl. They came for you. They was like uh-uh, where is she?

Speaker 2:

I love it.

Speaker 1:

Look how happy my question.

Speaker 2:

I love it, so here we are let's go.

Speaker 1:

How can I catch a million?

Speaker 2:

Well, my question to the person that asked that question would be are you a millionaire? Are you working on your millions? What are you doing as an entrepreneur as an entrepreneur, as both to secure your finances before you go looking over in somebody else's lane? What's happening in their lane? You can't pan over to the right or the left until you've got your driving down path. So let's figure that out first. Let's figure out who we are and who we are being and who our bank accounts are being. Then we can talk about what he's doing over there with his money. Was that too spicy?

Speaker 1:

I mean it's a little caliente. You know, I got a little choked up, I did Like I couldn't breathe for seconds there. But it is true, if you're not financially set, then you get with a millionaire you won't be able to add. Then you get with a millionaire you won't be able to add. No, you will just be draining and draining, and draining if you have not conditioned yourself in such a fashion as to be a benefit and not a deficit.

Speaker 2:

Right. You don't want to come to a man the husband that you're looking for you got to prepare for him. You don't want to meet that person and he's checking off all your boxes but you don't check off any of his. People want to get out of black hole. They want to leave a black hole. So you don't want to present yourself. You know all pretty and packaged. You know all pretty and packaged and then when you get from where, private, you turn out to be a draining black hole or a leech or a succubus, and those are the words. It is what it is. It is what it is and it's going to, that is going to unfold and it's not going to turn out in your favor. So you want to be mindful of how you show up, how you present yourself, how you present yourself, who you are to other people. You may think that you are one way, but you could very well be showing up the total opposite of who you think you are.

Speaker 1:

Okay, now I got another question for you. You said you may think you're showing up one way, but you very well may be showing up totally opposite than what you think. How? What is a way that a woman can get someone, or how can she find out how she's showing?

Speaker 2:

okay, that's, that's a perfect question. I'm gonna use myself as an example. I I was in a, a leadership course, and it was like a seven month course and one of the homeworks I was challenged with asking my closest friends and family members how I show up. And I'm thinking to myself, oh, that's a breeze. I already know how I show up. I'm kind, I'm loving, I'm open, I listen to everybody. You know, it was like this is going to be fun, and that was not the response that I got back.

Speaker 2:

The response that I got back was that I'm short-tempered, I'm rude, I cut people off, I don't listen, I treat them the way I want to treat them, as opposed to the way they desire to be treated. And this is from my sister, my mother, my cousin, my best friend, my husband. Ouch, you know that stung, but it was nothing I could do but receive that because I asked for it. I asked how do I show up, how do I treat you, what do I do to you, straight up. And then they just ran down the list of things over the course of years that I had been doing or ways that I had been being and showing up, and I had, when I tell you no idea, none, none.

Speaker 2:

And so I had no choice but to dive deeper into me to fix that. And so there are times where I catch myself being in those ways. But now I'm aware and I stop myself and I go back and I say you know what? I apologize, this is what I meant. How did you take it? And have a conversation, as opposed to being mad or not answering my phone for days, childish, childish. So the tool of all of that, the point of that, is to go and ask your closest friends 10, if you can. How do I show up? Who am I to you? And ask them for the truth and let them know there'll be no backlash.

Speaker 1:

And let them know there'll be no backlash. That's where you push the pause in me. I was like, oh, wait a minute, who's coming? Yeah, I'm gonna get mad because I asked you for something. It's amazing because we do do that as people, just people. We do that. So I, I, you are somewhere that you landed, somewhere that I would like to dig a little deeper. You said that they told you about yourself and you did not even know that that is what you were doing, and they gave you specific occurrences where you did what you did. When they told you, did you then defend? Oh no, that's not how that, what I was doing was deflect? Hmm, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2:

I said nothing and I had to sit with that and I was hurt. I was hurt that I hurt the people that I love. I was hurt and I had to sit with it and feel the feels and I did not like it, because the usual thing for me to do is to deflect. That's my go-to. No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I did, that's not what I meant. This is what I said. You took it that way. That's on you, but I had to sit with that and just feel the feels and then go back and apologize. Listen, I apologize for not just I'm sorry, but acknowledge that I hurt them and acknowledge what I had done. Taking accountability and being vulnerable, dancing all over the place with accountability and vulnerability is what I'm learning as a coach Always learning and growing and reading and doing something to improve who I am, so that I can then turn around and share that with the people that I teach, the women that I teach.

Speaker 1:

After they told you. I just want to classify it this way. You let me know if it's incorrect and you correct me and give me a better term. But after they told you, your ugly actions, what changes? Besides? It takes a big person to apologize. It takes a huge person, it? No, it doesn't take a big person to apologize. It takes a big person to apologize specifically for the thing that was done and how you felt about it. Not that's the general oh, I'm sorry. So that's why I said no. Anybody could just say I'm sorry, could just say I'm sorry. It's something when you want to gather, give me the the who, what, when, where, why of it, so that I can unpack it and really see myself in it and apologize. So for that I say kudos. But the ugliness of the action, your actions at that time. How do you then take that ugliness and turn it into beauty?

Speaker 1:

hmm, well, how but how did you?

Speaker 2:

well, you know, I started, of course, with active listening, meaning that I shut my mouth and let them speak and not interrupt, and feel what they were feeling.

Speaker 2:

So I'll give you an example between my husband and I, one of the things that we shared was that I interrupt him and I don't listen to anything that he's saying ever when he's sharing with me how he feels about something and it's it's a tug of war and a battle, and I, of course, wanted to interject, do the very thing that he was telling me about and say wait, that's not me. I know that's not what I mean when I say that, but I just let him finish what he was saying and then I said you know what, from this moment on, I won't interrupt you when we're having a conversation. I will keep what I have to say to myself until you have finished and, from that point on moving forward, we now have better communication. We have better communication. We have better communication because I allow him to speak without interrupting, which then, in turn, gives him the space to allow me to speak without interrupting. So there's no shouting, we don't argue, we have a conversation.

Speaker 1:

Hmm, and all of this is you and all of this is all of this is done with a thread. It's all woven together with a thread of you said it before. You said active listening. What does that entail? What is your definition of active listening?

Speaker 2:

For me, active listening is the ability to hear what the person is saying to you, to have eye contact and to internalize, not in a defensive manner, but to feel what they are feeling, or at least attempt to feel what they are feeling, have sympathy and empathy for where they are feeling, or at least attempt to feel what they are feeling, have sympathy and empathy for where they are, and even putting yourself in their shoes and seeing what they see from their perspective.

Speaker 2:

So the ability to see from their perspective to me is active listening, and I implement that in my day job when I'm talking to the two-year-olds, because it's easy to dismiss a two-year-old like no, no, no, okay, go sit down. No, tell Ms Mo what it is that you need. Use your words, let me help you, help me, help you. Right To the babies, and then with my children, who are 28, 24, and 15. I let them talk and I might not always like what they're saying, but I allow them to express themselves, and then we have a dialect dialogue you know the word and Right. And then the same with my husband, my mother, my sister. So Empathy and compassion.

Speaker 1:

Empathy and compassion. It goes a long way, especially because when we speak, we want to be heard. And what do you say to people? Now we're back to the host. Listen, I got a question. Listen, I got a question.

Speaker 1:

You were talking about how you have empathy. And what do you say to people that are constantly talking with, people with and the other person seem to come to me, already have their? They're already at the end of a conversation that was never had with me. It seems as though they held the whole conversation in their head. They talked about it. After they heard it, they talked about it, while after they heard it, they talked about it in the car driving and they was like and by the time they got to me it was wait, what's happening? How did we get here? How do you help someone to confront that? So you're saying you put yourself out there to find out. How can someone in that type of relationship say to someone listen, I don't know what you're talking about, right? Without the person just thinking, no, what I'm saying isn't making sense. No, I don't know what you've got all of it.

Speaker 2:

So you have to be okay with knowing that there's nothing you can do about that.

Speaker 2:

You can't change somebody's mind Once their mind is made up once they've told themselves a story in their head and they have rehearsed the story and they have you in this position where, oh, and I know she's going to say this, and then I'm going to say this, and then okay, is your reply, because you will drive yourself insane, trying to drill your perspective into somebody's face who is not open to your perspective. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it, and so you would have to be okay with that. And if this is something that you are encountering on an ongoing basis, then that might be an unhealthy relationship, right?

Speaker 1:

if there's no space.

Speaker 2:

That might be what. I'm sorry. That might be an unhealthy relationship, be it romantic, friendship. What have you? If there is um continuously a a situation where you are unable to speak your peace or share your perspective, that's unhealthy. You should be in you. You should be able to say this is how I feel, this is what's happening with me. Let's have a conversation about it. If it's always an argument where you're trying to defend, defend, defend yourself, maybe run.

Speaker 1:

Give me my bag, no.

Speaker 2:

And you know in all seriousness, you want to be in a space, you want to create a space that is safe for you to be who you are. And even if who you are requires work, that's still okay. That's still okay. We are coming on six years. Darius and I For the first four years I gave him hell, I gave him holy hell and I had no idea there was no safe space for him to come so he could have picked up and ran because I just said, baby, run right. But he was okay and he was patient and he was fine. He was okay with not being able to share his perspective until I was able to receive and see. Life is work. Life is work before you get to the relationship, before I get to be Monique the coach, Monique Talley the wife, Monique Talley the mother. All of that is work on an ongoing basis and it never stops. You do get to rest, but then you got to keep going.

Speaker 1:

You do get to rest, and then you got to keep going. I want to know more about Monique Talley. I feel you were going to share.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, really now. Oh, you weren't. No, I don't mind, I'm open. Don't do that to me. No, we have to be.

Speaker 1:

Let me tell you now we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we.

Speaker 2:

weird, weird weird, weird, weird, weird, weird, weird, weird. I'm an open book and I'm here to. I'm here to share it all and just lay it all out on the table. But okay, so let's rewind and take it back to Monique Caines, because that's my maiden name, right? So Monique Caines was mmm I'ma just be raw with it.

Speaker 2:

I was very self-centered, very selfish, very all about me, and I thought, right, that once I became Monique Talley, that all of that disappeared because my last name is different. Now, having done the work that I did, I did enough work to attract my husband and that was it. Like I'm married now I don't have to do anything else. I'm good, I'm healed, I did my work. So don't be coming to this table asking me what I'm doing because we married. So I'm going to go that way, you go that way. So that's Monique Cain who's now transitioned into Monique Talley. We're still not Monique the coach yet, right?

Speaker 2:

So Monique Talley, the entrepreneur, the wife. She's going to restaurants daily by herself, she's dipping and dabbling and shopping, and she's having a little bit of wine and just living a single life. I'm a married woman, but I'm doing all the single things. Then, right, not asking my husband if he wants a dinner. Just, we marry what you want. Ready, you got me, I'm the prize. I'm the prize. You got all this. You should be happy.

Speaker 2:

I said I do. What more do you want? Just acting up All kind of foolery. And it took a grown Boaz to say wait a minute, this is not what marriage is supposed to be. I don't have the blueprint and the non-step roadmap for marriage, but I do know that it's not this. This is a mess. So we got to clean this up and I was so resistant Monique Talley now is very resistant to any type of change, any type of leadership, any type of guidance. You're a man, men, don't tell women what to do. You won't be telling me what to do. Who talks to their husband like that? Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Speaker 1:

You said this Terrible, terrible.

Speaker 2:

And he had all the rights and all the evidence and all the proof to pick up all that stuff and walk on up out of here and then at some point of him telling me, listen, this needs to change, this needs to change. I said you know what I'm going to take this leadership course and when I'm done I'm going to leave him, because it's just going to reveal how petty and narcissistic he is. Poochie in the air, pooch the whole mess.

Speaker 1:

Yes, no, ma'am.

Speaker 2:

You took a course to prove that you were right yeah, and he was wrong yes, that is, and the leadership course was for you yes, okay, keep proceed and I jumped in that course like I'm gonna take all this information and give it to him like right or attitude.

Speaker 2:

I was a mess nasty and in that leadership course, when I had this was the homework that I had to ask my close friends and family members how do I show up? And when they gave me I was like what? I was befuddled and confused, didn't understand. Oh, that's what he's talking about, okay, and then I those walls started to break down and I started to understand. One, I started to see his perspective. Two, I started to understand how you're actually supposed to treat somebody you're in a relationship with.

Speaker 2:

I had never seen a healthy relationship ever from anyone in my family. I had no idea how it was supposed to be. I thought it was the housewives. That was my example of relationships. I am so serious. Lives, that was my example of relationships. I am so serious.

Speaker 2:

So now we're cultivating Monique the coach, and she's being churned and she's being pruned and God done, sat her down somewhere and said look at him, cut it out. Cut it out, little Monique. I was acting like a child. I'm telling you all my business tonight. I was acting like a complete and total child. I had asked for a Boaz. I had asked for a grown man that was going to love me unconditionally, and when he came, I had no idea how to let him love me. I had no idea how to follow his right, and so I had done my all, my nine step blueprint, all my steps to get the husband, and then, after that, we have an after after party, because there's more to talk about. It's a lot more. It's a lot more, yeah, so so we have the three phases of Monique Cain's, the single mother, then Monique Talley, the wife, and then Monique, the coach.

Speaker 2:

There's a lot happening up in there and that's soup, the porridge, damn A gumbo. Yes, yeah, a whole gumbo. What?

Speaker 1:

Yes, ma'am. Ma'am you took a leadership course. Now, ha Ha ha. You took a leadership course and you're telling me that they taught you how to serve. I apologize, did I say that? Did you crunch your pearls? Yeah, yeah you took a leadership course and it taught you, showed you, put you on the path to be a servant absolutely.

Speaker 2:

that's what they showed me, what true leadership is. True leadership is True leadership. The ability to shift the temperature in my home and in my marriage. That was leadership and that's what I learned, with the intentions of proving my husband wrong. Who does that? Who does that? I had a whole agenda and gosh turned me upside down and shook me.

Speaker 1:

And everything just fell out your pockets. Everything.

Speaker 2:

Even the lamp came on. My Lord, yes, ma'am.

Speaker 1:

Okay, yes, ma'am, okay that you're right. That is a whole another episode. I don't even understand, okay, okay. So how do you deal with, how how can you help us to? Because there's emotional, there's spiritual, there's mental components that we all need to address, to become, I would say for me. I always tell people I'm becoming the wife for the husband I designed right, so I'm working with myself. I can say so.

Speaker 1:

You were just vulnerable. You just did that v word like none other. So I'll go ahead, I'll step and say that you know, I, the immaturity you mentioned immaturity I can say that, starting relationships, I didn't know what I was doing. I literally. So you said you started that leadership class with the intent of proving your husband wrong.

Speaker 1:

I started in relationships with the intent of not living up to what my grandfather said to me as I was a preteen. I was coming down the steps and some of you on Confident Youth, some of the Confident Youth family, may have already heard this, but I feel it bears repeating and my grandfather was sitting in his chair in his living room in their home. I was coming down the steps and he said come here. And I just was so honored. I'm like my granddad wants to talk with me and, like he's not at work, he's just sitting here chilling and you're telling me to come here. And I came and I rushed and I sat at his feet and it was, you know, it was granddad sitting in his big chair and I'm just sitting there and I sat at his feet and he took a deep breath and he looked at me and he said you fat and you black, ain't nobody ever going to want you.

Speaker 1:

You'll lose that black ain't nobody ever gonna want you. You'll lose that. Whoa I know for the first part of me being in relationships into two, maybe three decades I was just vying for okay, you said two things. You said I'm Black and I'm Black. I can't change that. I can't change that.

Speaker 1:

So I would look at colors. I would look at myself as less than when people were of a lighter hue, I thought they were pretty. I didn't think I was pretty. So that's a component of my story I've never shared. But what I did hear was I had an opportunity if I could lose the weight. I was becoming a woman. I had started picking up weight. He was like, yeah, no, you're going to have to do something about that. He already let me know this skin is not going anywhere. This dark color that you have is not going anywhere.

Speaker 1:

So I've always, in the beginning, I went with who said they wanted me. So that's why I felt it was so vital to bring you back and make sure you went through those nine steps. And I thought it was so important for us to come back and do this after party, where we went through the Ruth and Boaz and how you get your Boaz and that the real root of it is you. You're looking for something, and it's really you. You're looking for something and it's really you. I did not know that that's what I was operating on. I didn't know. I didn't know. I was like, okay, this person likes me, so I'll hang out here. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't sleeping around with everybody. But I'm like, okay, well, I'll be with you. I was telling them no, I held on to virginity for a long time. I didn't let it go. I got two kids out of wedlock, so we ain't going to talk about that.

Speaker 2:

That's not the part we're talking about.

Speaker 1:

That's not the part we're discussing. Discussing. I'm just saying I wasn't, you know, extremely promiscuous when I started. You know going that's my boyfriend, but it was to the point that let me tell you how bad that first one that said he was my boyfriend, listen, you're my girl, like we together, but don't tell nobody, because I want a body and not this hmm, yeah, yeah, that's heavy right.

Speaker 2:

So how, how long did that last, and what did you learn from that?

Speaker 1:

Four years and it wasn't because I gave up, because I thought so much of myself until after things just I'm like girls just started, like that girl, that girl, that girl of crib, like that girl, that girl, that girl. That's why you could wait until I said I would, I would be ready. You could wait for years for me to do the thing you wanted me to do. You could wait because you was out here with. But then when I got to the next one, I was like I'm going to lose them if I don't.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

And you do this as immature, in the immature stage of life, in the immature season of life, but I feel like I'm sharing this because I want to talk to those women that are still doing this. That's where I wanna end with that, that discussion.

Speaker 2:

You know, for a majority of us, we weren't taught how to be human first right. We weren't taught anything about. I want to speak for myself. I wasn't taught about anything about boys other than what I saw and my grandmother's house with all my uncles, my father's brothers, and then anything that I saw my mom go through with my dad or my grandparents. So I never in my family, never, was there a conversation about. This is how you should be and this is what you should do when it comes to relationships.

Speaker 2:

And so now, as adult women 30 something, 20 something, 30 something, 40 something, and and so on it's important for us to take account, step one, reflect right on what we've been through, what we've seen and what we've experienced In addition to trauma, which we have to take base on at some point, but in addition to trauma and just begin to do the work on those things. And that work looks like having a therapist. Because coaching is great, I would say hire me when you are looking for a coach, but first talk to that therapist and heal those childhood wounds. Get all the books, Read all the books. You have to do the work in order to attract that spouse that's going to take care of you, and that's going to when I say take care of you, I don't mean monetarily, but I mean as far as being a safe space and allowing you to be who you are and to helping you heal and to help you address those traumas and knowing your triggers and not triggering you intentionally.

Speaker 2:

Right, so we have to do the work for us. We're talking about us, right, let's talk about us. Yes, we have to do the work to heal ourselves before we can go out there attracting and looking for anybody. And it starts with you doing the same way. You get up and you shower and you eat daily. You have to remember to be intentional. Be intentional about who you desire to attract, Boom.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So being intentional about who you desire to attract starts with.

Speaker 2:

It starts with being intentional about who you are. So it starts with you being intentional about you know what. When I asked my mom how do I show up for her, she told me this, this and this, and I didn't like that. So let me find a book that can help me combat those things. Let me find a scripture and sit and stand on his word and meditate on the word of that scripture, of that thing that I don't like about myself, that I want to change. And let me read all the books and let me go to therapy. It's a lot of work and it's a lot of digging. If you're 46 like me, you got 46 years worth of digging to do. It's a lot of work and it doesn't stop and it's doable, it's doable.

Speaker 1:

And it doesn't stop and it's doable. I love it and it does not stop. We are forever learning. That is what Confident here is. It is here for the Confident you Network is for us to create a community, a community where we share and just tell each other different areas of life and business that we can grow and be better in, and I appreciate having you as part of our family tree. Thank you, monique the coach, for coming through. Listen, good people. If you want to work with the one and only Monique the coat, listen first. If you want to just see some little snippets of action, of tidbits, of vital information, just some good. Listen on this girl's social media. You're gonna laugh, laugh. Why are you laughing? You're laughing because you're not telling the truth.

Speaker 2:

I'll be trying to hold back my funny, but yes, go ahead.

Speaker 1:

You're going to laugh, you're going to enjoy yourself, you're going to learn, you're going to grow, you're going to glean and see how Ruth, monique and her Boaz Listen, darius, don't play with me, sir, you're gonna come on here, I'm not playing that you will see just the love that they have for that, that just follow her. If you're looking to see what love looks like and how it should sound, and just to hear the inspiration of love at all times, that is how you follow her. Listen, and if you go to her link tree, you're going to be able to access everything. When I say everything, let me tell you just a few. I'll tell you just a few things. Listen, you'll be able to access her book.

Speaker 1:

Did I say author? Wait, listen, I don't think on the episode I didn't say. But if you've known the confident you family, we know who monique the coach is. She is a life and love, relationship dating coach. All things relationship, but life, because everything you can apply to a relationship you can apply to yourself. As you apply to yourself, your life gets better. I'm just saying so you can go and get that book, the love magnet attraction formula.

Speaker 1:

Now, wait, go back and watch episode 35 and you'll see her top nine steps. But then you want to get this book so you can dig real deep. You can dig real deep and get to that attraction of love. Listen, but that's not all you're going to find there. Tell the audience about this magnetic woman roadmap challenge. Listen. The title changed because when she started telling me the stuff, I said boo, that's a challenge, you are challenging people. So even when you go and watch episode 35, you'll say that wasn't the name, no. But after she explained it I said, oh, you are challenging ladies to be better, to do, do better, to get better, to have better, to relate better. Go ahead, I apologize, I'm excited.

Speaker 2:

Listen, in this Magnetic Woman Roadmap Challenge, it is a challenge. It is a challenge to push you to become your best self for you first and foremost. You to become your best self for you first and foremost, before we can attract anybody, we're going to learn how to become our best selves in this challenge. So when you go to my link tree and you click I believe it's the first button on the link tree you click that and you sign the Google form and then I'll get in contact with you and I'll put you in that class. The class is free of charge for December. So fill out the paper, go to the Google form, get in this class. It's going to be fire. I only have the spots. I only have the spots for seven more women. I want to make sure it's intimate and I'm able to answer everybody's questions. So come on and join me and let's get this work done. Let's do the work. I am here to help you do the work. You don't have to do it by yourself.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely beautiful. Listen. I would encourage everyone who hears this, anyone who knows someone who needs this sign up on her link tree and then you can go on the waiting list for other times. If December is not a good time for you, sign up now to go on the waiting list for the classes that are coming. But December she's doing a gift. She's gifting this. This is her gift to everyone during this holiday season. I know it's Christmas. What I say it is it's Christmas, so I'm not going to get on my soapbox, listen. So she is gifting to everyone, all the women, all the single ladies, all the single ladies, this class and I would say you definitely want to go over there. Sign up and if you can't get into December, don't worry. She will put you on the waiting list and make sure she reaches out as the classes come back out. Rotation, rotation, because you're trying to help Wait your mission. You're trying to help how many women?

Speaker 2:

Wait a minute. A hundred. There are 4.7 million single mothers in the United States. I just want to help. A hundred thousand, a hundred thousand, that's all.

Speaker 1:

So sign up so you can be one of the hundred thousand women that she is on a mission to help my Lord. I really do appreciate you coming through, taking the time to stay for the after the show is the after party. I appreciate it. Listen, y'all will be seeing a lot more of Monique the coach. I'm just saying your impact is very is deeply felt. Like I said, people were reaching out and I had to get you back in here. So I'm looking forward to doing other things.

Speaker 1:

I'm looking forward to sharing when you're going out and speaking, because you got speaking engagements coming up. I can't wait to share that information. You know, ladies, if you have your group, your book club and things like that, you want somebody to come out and really just have everybody in the room get real, so they can get real much better on the real side. Yeah, this is who you want to have coming, because she's an author, she's a speaker, she's a coach. Oh, my goodness, all the things that you do. Go ahead, keep going, keep going. I'm a wife, I'm Keep going. I'm a wife, I'm a mom, I'm a sister.

Speaker 2:

I'm a daughter. I'm a sister, all of that Child of God, first and foremost, yes, I love it.

Speaker 1:

Child of the most high, my sister, I appreciate you. Thank you so much for yet again answering the call. I will be seeing you soon. All right, everybody Listen, confident you. I really do appreciate you guys supporting this platform, where we just are building a network of confidence amongst ourselves, confidence for us to be able to get better in areas that we probably some, some of us, didn't even know. I need to get better with that. I need to get better with that. That's some good information. Oh, she helped me. Now I don't have to go around and search and ask I can look on here. There's some. I need some financial help.

Speaker 1:

Let me go through these episodes here. Let me hear this person okay, let me see what. Okay, let me see what. This next person and you're gonna be able to vet people and go ahead and secure your coach. But I'm telling you this here this dating is not like. She has to come back, because dating is totally different. We haven't even talked about just the different aspects and avenues of dating and how to really how nowadays you are to be putting yourself out there to be able to be found. She the greatness that she was by greatness. So that's all we're trying to do here at Confident Youth, all right.

Speaker 1:

So please share this episode with anybody you know that is looking for somebody, or should be. Listen, you shouldn't be cutting yourself off from finding love. So like, share, subscribe, hit the notification bell. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram and Facebook, at Marion Swingler and at confident you underscore podcast. Why underscore? Because there is so much more to come and if you or someone you know is suffering at the hands of domestic violence, please give them this number or take this number and see how you can, you know, begin to have a conversation. You know, begin to have a conversation. The number is 1-888-80-HELPS. That's 43577. That's Bethany House, who is here to help the globe, all around the world, with those that are suffering at the hands of domestic violence. We also have the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-safe 7233. And see you in the next episode.