Confident You NETWORK with Marion Swingler

EMBRACING THE JOURNEY TO CONFIDENCE: Coach K on Cultivating Self-Belief, Nurturing Relationships, and Living a Soul-Prospering Life

• Marion Swingler • Episode 36

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Have you ever felt the chains of fear shackle your potential, whispering 'you can't' with every attempt to break free? That's where Coach Kim Brown strides in, lighting the torch of self-belief to guide you through the darkness. In our transformative dialogue, Coach Kim, armed with her spiritual insights and the poetic imagery of Tanya Stokes' mural, teaches us to strip away the doubts and live a life that's soul-prospering. Her voice, a beacon of hope, navigates us through the murky waters of vulnerability, showing us how to anchor deep connections and emerge with unshakable confidence. 

As we peeled back the layers of our discussion, it became clear that the path to unlocking our true selves is paved with patience, authentic communication, and community. It's not just about dismissing the naysayers masquerading as 'haters' but embracing the support systems that bolster our journey to greatness. Coach Kim's perspective reveals the tapestry of relationships and mental health, illustrating the intricate dance of trust and mutual growth. We celebrate the shifting tides towards openness in mental wellbeing, and the shared strength found in genuine friendships.

Imagine living a life where your self-worth shines as bright as the sun, undimmed by past shadows. That's the life Coach Kim Brown inspires us to claim as we wrap up our conversation on Confident You. She paints a picture where communication is our brush and relationships our canvas, urging us to speak, listen, and grow with our loved ones. Through personal reflections, including the poignant story of my mother's battle with depression, we underscore the essentiality of self-care and the power of surrounding ourselves with those who lift us higher. The message is clear: value yourself, foster positive connections, and watch your life transform into a masterpiece of self-worth and fulfillment.

CONNECT with Coach K at Your Kindred Konnection:
email - info@yourkindredkonnection.com

FOLLOW on Instagram: 
@your_kindred_konnection

CHAPTERS:
0:00 - Introduction to Mural Journey
2:19 - Mural Creation 
6:18 - Why the Artist Was Chosen 
7:28 - Hearing God's Message
11:50 - Dealing with Envy aka “Haters”
14:57 - Strategies to Overcome Negativity
18:27 - Finding Your Vision
21:27 - Deprogramming Yourself
24:14 - Power of Vulnerability  
27:50 - Identifying Safe Spaces
32:34 - Mental Health Challenges
34:57 - Seeking Mental Health Support
38:39 - Setting Expectations
41:32 - Importance of Communication
45:50 - Addressing Questionable Actions
48:23 - Listening and Understanding
54:40 - Building Self-Worth
1:01:00 - Connecting 
1:02:45 - Gratitude Closing Remarks 
1:03:40 - Domestic Violence Resources
_________________________________________________________________
FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELP for yourself or someone you love. 

HELP IS HERE:
Bethany House
1-888-80HELPS  
1-888-804-3577

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 
1-800-799- SAFE
1-800-799-7233 
__________________________________________________________________
Follow Confident You Podcast:
INSTAGRAM and FACEBOOK 
@marionswingler

INSTAGRAM 
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Speaker 1:

Hey there, confident you. I am Marian Swingler, your host, honored to have you back here yet again. If you are not a member of the Confident you community, please make sure you like, share, subscribe and hit that notification and follow us on Instagram and Facebook at Marian Swingler and at confident you underscore podcast. And I'm so excited for tonight. I am honored to have this person here with us. Listen, if you have questions about life, questions about love, questions about just every component of the person, that's who I have with us here tonight. This person is is your kindred connection, the one and only. Kim Brown, or better known as Coach Kim. Yes, how are you?

Speaker 2:

I am well. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1:

I love the introduction.

Speaker 1:

Now I first want, before we get into Coach Kim and all her amazingness, I just want to acknowledge the beautiful mural behind her on that wall. Listen, as you heard me say, tanya Stokes and her team over at Compassionate Designs are amazing, and that mural is by Tanya Stokes. Listen, I just I need y'all to see it. I, you got to see it, you gotta see it. So I've been saying I'm going to get permission from her to be able to unveil for you to see how beautiful the entire mural is. And so drums, please. Here we are.

Speaker 1:

Oh, my goodness, if you don't know Tanya's story, please go back and watch episode 11 of Confident you podcast. Listen, everything is possible and she tells her story and she tells how she ended up doing this mural. But we're gonna hear from the person who asked her to do it. I'm excited about this story how it? Because I know what she said and I want everyone to go back to episode 11 and hear that. But I want to know how this ended up on your wall this ended up on your wall, so it's interesting.

Speaker 2:

You asked that question. As you stated, tanya Stokes is an amazing artist. She's creative in so many realms like. She's just so diverse.

Speaker 2:

And I saw a painting that she had done and the painting was this Well, similar to this. Actually, it's not, even this is different from the painting, but it was similar to this mural and I said I want the painting. Well, she wouldn't give me the painting, so I said, okay, well, you won't give me the painting. Then I want you to put it on my wall. And she's like I've never done that before. I said, well, now you will have, because you're going to put it on my wall. Wow, she looked at me for a little while like, huh, are you serious? And I'm like, yeah, I'm very serious.

Speaker 2:

And she came and started putting the. She thought about it and how she would do it, and she came on a regular basis and for her it ended up being therapy as well, because she got so engrossed in the painting and I love the fact that she didn't think she could do it at first. It was like, but what? I don't know. I'm going ma'am, you are who you are. Walk in that and that's what I do. That's my job these days is to help people walk in their path, who they they are in their spirit, down deep in their souls, walking.

Speaker 2:

And that's exactly what she did, and I benefited from it because I now have this beautiful mural on my wall which everyone's like what are you going to do when you move? It's going with me cutting out drywall and I'm taking this with me. I'll put some new ones up there, but this thing just my baby. Oh, by the way. Way, and we got real creative we put a little rose quartz dust. So this room right here, it's this one here, there's rose quartz dust in the paint, so there's a little love, no matter what in this room. There's always good love, energy here, so come on here.

Speaker 1:

let me just show you guys this one more time. Now let let me tell you Tanya wanted me to make sure that I told you that this is a recreation of an original painting by Justin Copeland. We believe that to be the original artist, justin Copeland, and he's based out of Baltimore, maryland. So I just wanted everyone to see I'm a person of my word, I asked permission and this just felt like the most apropos time to share it. It's absolutely amazing, but you said something very, very vital to why we're here today. Very, very vital to why we're here today. You say because that's what I do.

Speaker 2:

Could you explain to the confident you tribe. What is it? I love the fact that the name of your show is Confident you, because that's what I love. I love to encourage people and build confidence. The question so many people have is why me or I can't, or the word can't should be, should not be in our vocabulary. It really shouldn't. It should not be in our vocabulary, and I believe that we need to push past that. There are times when there are things that maybe we shouldn't be doing and we need to be redirected Again. That's where I come in Giving you a different perspective, opening your mind, to help you think more broadly about the situations you're in. That's that's that's what I'm here for. I'm here to touch you on a soul level so you really benefit in this life and your soul prospers. You know, the Bible tells us our souls should prosper, and that's what I'm here to help us do tells us our souls should prosper, and that's what I'm here to help us do.

Speaker 1:

My Lord and you mentioned the Bible I want to share with you, and so that is the great book that I always refer to when I tell a story or relate to something that I've read here on Confident you, and in the great book in Exodus, god told Moses to go to Pharaoh, the king, and tell him to let my people go. Moses, shrunk back, said I can't do that. Moses, shrunk back, said I can't do that I stutter that word I, I, I not not.

Speaker 1:

How do you hear from God and know that he has a calling for you or it's just something that naturally comes to you? But whenever you're asked to do it on the spot, in front of someone, or even as Tanya did it, no one was there. She was the only one in the room, but it was just the fact that it would be done, and then people will be standing there, so eventually it will be seen. So it is in front of others. So how do you help people maneuver past, knowing that their greatness within them but being afraid for it to be seen?

Speaker 2:

Well, it depends on the person in that situation, but, in general, helping people see themselves. That's a lot of where we are is that people don't really see themselves. We live in a world now that has so much social media hype and everything is fake. Let's just be real. You can make any and everything look like any and everything. Now, ai is real. That's the way the world lives. But we need to look at who we are and what we can accomplish as individuals.

Speaker 2:

Like you said, god told him Moses knew he could do it. The reality is he knew he could do it, but he let fear. False evidence appearing real, step in. But then, when he moved, look at what happened when he listened. But what helped him to listen? What was he hearing? What else was moving in him?

Speaker 2:

Holy Spirit. God gave all of us every last one of us Holy Spirit, and Holy Spirit is what moves our gifts Like. It helps us to manifest our gifts into reality. And when we start walking in that spirit, your life will change. Your life will change because you'll start doing things that you had no clue about. You're going well. I don't even know how I got here. Why am I doing this? It's Holy Spirit moving. God's active force is moving in your life and my goal is to help you find that voice. That is Holy Spirit talking to you. Because we tramp it down, we let society beat out of us, we like a little donkey in the hole. We get in that hole and they throw dirt on us and then we just shake it off and we start stomping it down underneath our feet. And what happens? The more you pound that dirt underneath you, you start to rise, you get higher and higher and eventually you get out of that hole.

Speaker 1:

Come on here.

Speaker 2:

That's the goal. That is, the goal is to pull ourselves out of that hole. And how are we going to do that, we? To pull ourselves out of that hole. And how are we going to do that? We're going to open up. We're going to talk about those things which, in the past, we've been told oh, we shouldn't talk about those things, we shouldn't tell everybody our business. Now, that part is slightly true, but there's a level and there's limits to these things that we need to understand. Everybody's not your friend. That's just the reality. But there are people who are set here on this earth to help you and we need to be open to those people. Everybody's not here to do you wrong. Unfortunately, our world has created a society that believes that everyone is out to get you. Now, cool, I'm here to change that, to bust that myth, to show that we can work together. We don't have to be crabs in a barrel. We can help each other.

Speaker 1:

That's my goal. Everybody's after you Expound on that.

Speaker 2:

Everyone thinking that everybody is after you. So we live in the hateration age. If someone doesn't agree with you, if someone doesn't like the way you live or the things you do, they hating on you. Everything is hating on you. No, we think so highly of ourselves. There are seven point eight billion people in this world. Ok, we are a minuscule piece of it, Don't get me wrong. Our little piece can touch a whole lot, but we aren't doing that much that people have to hate. It's not hate. Hate is such a strong word Like do people really realize what hate is? Hate? Hate is such a strong word Like do people really realize what hate is?

Speaker 2:

Hate is the demonstrated action of absolute and utter dislike and disagreement. Like that is such to have hating your body is just painful because the hating your body affects you more than it affects the person that you're hating. Okay, so this we have to remove that mindset that people are hating and just learn to live in who we are and what we need to be doing. If we focus on what we're supposed to be doing, we can change so many things in the world, but not just in the world within ourselves, Like the immediate change happens in us and that affects, creates a ripple effect throughout. We start touching other people because we now see the value in us.

Speaker 2:

When you value something, think about that. Think about. Think about the cost of a diamond, Like when you just pluck it out. When you pluck it out of the mind, it's not as valuable. But when you start to pull away that coal piece and you start crafting it and you start putting it in settings on, think about how much more valuable it becomes. Like it's the value when you start to really get in and dig deep and clean it up, polish up, shine it, make it pretty. That's when the value comes. And we have to do that with ourselves. Got to get in there, dig out all that other ugly stuff.

Speaker 2:

Because the reality is we have grown and we've been in a world where we all have childhood trauma. It's just the reality. We all have trauma that we've been through, Some larger than others. It's all different, but we all have been conditioned and that trauma is I don't really want to use the word trauma, but it is trauma. Trauma is I don't really want to use the word trauma, but it is trauma. It's a conditioning that's happened to us and our parents. They know no better, so they did the best that they could and we've been conditioned from our parents and we have to decondition ourselves to be able to do better for our next generation. It's just those things that we have to work on. It's a lot of work.

Speaker 1:

But if we're willing to put in the work, oh, the blessings that come behind that. So great, so great, so great are the blessings that come behind that. You were talking about haters and people saying hate is such a strong word and that people believe that they have haters. What would you say if you're saying that, no, you don't have haters? What would you say? How should the person phrase it? You have distractions. Say it again.

Speaker 2:

You have distractions, explain. So they can only go so far, like this so-called hate, when people give fuel to things like fuel to these feuds and these fires. They can only go so far if you continue to respond, if you continue to react to it. That reaction is what fuels them, which makes them keep going. But when you start focusing on you and not worrying about them or those people over there, let those people over there stay over there and you focus on you. That's how you kill a hater, because they can say whatever they want and you can keep shining right on. Let them say, let them do you keep going.

Speaker 1:

That's how you kill haters.

Speaker 2:

That's how you kill haters. So it sounds as though what you're saying is comparison. Yeah, it was not just comparison, because comparison is an evil thing in itself. Because I'm a woman, I want that Coke bottle figure like all these other folks got. I want that Coke bottle figure like all these other folks got. But the reality is God created us all uniquely, like I'm not meant to have that Coke bottle figure. Maybe, maybe not, I don't know, but he created us all differently and we're all beautiful. We're all just gorgeous, the things we do.

Speaker 2:

If we compare ourselves and constantly try to do what the other people do, where will this world go? Because there'll be no creativity happening in the world if we're always trying to do what someone else is doing. That's what comparison does. It forces you to try to be like someone else and do what they're doing. What is the joy in that?

Speaker 2:

In my house, we call ourselves weirdos all the time. But you know a weirdo actually weirdos all the time, but you know what weirdo actually means? Weird is the supernatural, the not normal who wants to be boring and normal. Be supernatural, be supernatural, be weird, do different stuff. Why do we want to just be in this world and be like everyone else. That's the wackest thing I've heard. We wouldn't have all the creative genres of music we have if everyone started just doing this whole comparison thing. We wouldn't be, we wouldn't be able to. It stifles you.

Speaker 2:

When you start doing this comparison thing, it doesn't grow you, it puts you inside of a box. You are you for a reason. You have something to give in this life. For a reason, you're meant to touch somebody. Your story is meant to be told to somebody else. Yes, it's a testimony. For a reason You've been through something. It may be small, but that's something someone else is going through and you're put here to tell them and help them through that. That's why we need to get out of this comparison box, because when you start saying, oh well, such and such got this and I want that, why do you want that? What does it benefit you to have that? You're meant for something else. You're meant for something greater. You're greater. Why do you want to have what other people have? Let's kill it.

Speaker 1:

Kill it. So you said you're greater, you're greater. How do you help people comprehend finding they're greater?

Speaker 2:

So that's a conversation. That is a conversation to be had with people, because I want to understand who you are first. Like, what do you think of yourself? That's the first step is to figure out what you think of yourself, and do you have a low visual of yourself? Like, is your self-esteem where it needs to be? That's the first step. Can we get that in check? Let's get that in check. Let's understand. Let's do a vibe check. Get that in check. Let's get that in check. Let's understand. Let's do a vibe check there, get that in place. And then, where do you want to go? What's your vision? Do you have a vision? Find that so many people don't. And what do you? You know the bible, so you already know what happens when you don't have vision what happens, ma'am you oh, you lost.

Speaker 1:

You don't know what's going on. You, there's no, there's no vision, the people perish.

Speaker 2:

There's nothing exactly. So we got to get people to have a vision of their own so that they can grow, we can build, we can do more. It's so important that people have a vision and we don't people that that's that compare like said, that comparison piece. Their vision is I want to be like so-and-so. No, be like you. What do you want? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? And my goal is to help you get to what you really want and help you see how you can get there. Like, how do you get there? How do you craft that? It looks different for everyone.

Speaker 2:

I'm not built like you. I am not Marion Swindler. Like you have your way, your walk, your walk is yours. I'm Kim Brown, my walk is mine. I have to. I have to take the steps that I need to take. I need to deprogram myself from where I have come from and I need to open my eyes up to see what's out there for me.

Speaker 2:

And when we start to, we got a lot of onion layers here that we have to peel through to get to where we want to go. And that's what we're supposed to do. But see in our community I say our community, african American community we're not taught to talk about these things with other people. This is the stuff that we're told to keep inside. You can figure it out. You'll figure it out yourself. No, no, open your mouth, talk to other people, do what you need to do, because the more we try to hold things in and try to do it ourselves, I've seen too many people leave this earth far too early because they were so busy trying to do it themselves. And do it all Not meant for us to live this life alone, doing things by ourselves. That's not what we're here for. That's not how we're built, and we have to get rid of it. Kill it Again. Kill it. Another thing to be killed. Kill it.

Speaker 1:

You said kill it just now, but you said deprogram. How do you move through deprogramming something that you have been doing all your life, no matter how long that life is, whether that's two years, 12 years, 20 years, 40 years?

Speaker 2:

oh, that's in, that's in its own self-process. Again, that's the first step, is opening up and being willing. And then the willingness is being able to be vulnerable with yourself yourself. First you have to, because we have to be open and honest with ourselves in here. You know how you feel in your heart. You know what hurts you. You know what you still harbor resentment towards. You know, but are you willing to admit that and in admitting that, are you willing to move forward from it?

Speaker 2:

Because the longer we hold on to those things affected by what we are holding on to, I can hate on you, I can dislike you, I can do all those things with regards to you and you are not touched. It's all in me, it's all in my energy. My energy is the energy is affected by that, my spirit, my soul Killing myself and you just going on with life. But we have to learn to accept those things. Well, that was interesting. We have to accept those things and then we have to be able to let them go, like really let go. That is a hard process. I've walked through it myself. Let go, that is a hard process. I've walked through it myself.

Speaker 2:

It's a hard process. To let go of hurt. It's a hard process to let go of the fact that you've been betrayed. It's a hard process to let go of fear. All those emotions exist inside of us and they're not easy to let go of. But we have to be willing and in that willingness, going back to God because he's always there he comes in and slowly but surely he starts to say baby, let me wipe you off, let me give you another little ease, let me slide you into this a little bit more. And it gets easier day by day, moment by moment. It gets a little bit easier when we acknowledge it. But if we don't take the steps to just even start with acknowledging it, we can't go any further. I can't work with anyone who won't even acknowledge it, who won't open up about themselves to themselves, because you can't be real. If you can't be real with you, who are you going't be real with you? Who you gonna be real?

Speaker 1:

let's just, you gotta be real it really does sound like you're talking about a key word that I heard you mention before in one of our conversations. Uh, and that word being vulnerability. Please share how you feel about the, the importance of vulnerability. Oh, it's so important.

Speaker 2:

I mean all aspects of our lives. Again, like I said, that vulnerability is a story, your story, your ability to just exist as you are, releasing fear of judgment, because that's what hold, that's what holds us from being vulnerable. We're scared of being judged. Our almighty is the only true judge of us. It's just real. He's the only one that can truly judge me, everyone else, your opinion and it's. You know, we all have opinions, just like we have some other things. I won't say that word here, though, but we do, and so we have to get rid of that fear that exists in being judged and open up, because, again, being vulnerable, it first benefits you because you're you're allowing yourself to be open and expanding yourself, making room for things to come in when you allow yourself to be vulnerable. But then those things that come in, they can light you up and bring so much more joy to you, and you just have no idea who you can affect in the level of vulnerability that you expose in this world. When you allow yourself to tell your story, to open your mouth to people, you have no idea who you may have just blessed, because there's nothing new under the sun.

Speaker 2:

I hate to use the cliche, but it's a reality. There's nothing new and so many people are walking through the exact same experiences but they think they're all alone and by themselves. That's not real, because everyone again that's that whole comparison, living keeping up with the Joneses, this Instagram life you know, it's the social media life that everything is great, I got money in the bank. No, that's not real. That's not reality. And we got to break that. We got to break that and go back in and go back in and let those tears go. Let them go. Stop holding them in, stop being this anger inside of us, this sadness that exists in so many of us.

Speaker 2:

People have not even people have lost family members and things, and they won't even grieve because they're scared. It looks like weakness. Come on now. Your mama passed and you gotta walk around. Like you, everything is no. That's your mother, that's your, your heart. Baby, let that out. Let that out, because if you don't let it out in the proper manner, I promise you it's going to come out in a way that you don't want to see. You don't want to see what it'll do to you. That's where we, that's where we get our people who have depression. That's where we get our people who have anxiety. That's where we get our people who are committing suicide because they don't know how to let it out, and that stuff is eating them up. All because of that one word vulnerability. Be vulnerable, let it go. Just show others who you truly are inside.

Speaker 1:

It's okay, it's okay now you said earlier you can't share everything with everyone, so how can we help people identify safe spaces? We always say go to a safe space, go to a safe space. What does a safe? You have friends, so why do do you the people that you consider a safe space to be vulnerable? What characteristics do they have versus someone you're you would pass right, Like I'm not telling that person anything? What characteristics do they have?

Speaker 2:

So my little friend circle, as I call it, my COVID pod. We were together before COVID, but COVID, just kind of like, put us in this really tight little bubble together. We they exhibit the characteristics of trust. They're trustworthy, they're honest, they're very real and they're tested. And that's what we fail to do with friendships. These days we're very quick to call someone a friend. Facebook royally screwed us with this friend thing. Everybody is not your friend. I had to teach my youngest that one. Everybody you meet is not your friend. They can be an associate. What does tested mean? So I'm going to give you that one. So tested means that I've spent time with you, I've talked to you, I'm hearing who you are. But that's the key Listening to people.

Speaker 2:

People will tell you who they are very easily, because when you meet someone, the first person you meet is the representative. Whether it's a male or female that you're meeting, the first person you meet is a representative. Give them time, because everyone will tell you who they are over time. Take your time. If they're a true friend, they're going to be there and things will start to show. Little by little, that little yarn will start to unravel and you'll see signs of whether or not. You can trust this person with your heart and that's a friend or lover. They will show you if you can trust them with your heart. What are good signs to look for when you're dealing with that?

Speaker 2:

Let's say, in a relationship, if the person can't even have a direct conversation with you after three or four weeks, if they can't just have a conversation with you, question them. Why are we doing this? If I can't even just have a conversation with you one on one, if all you can do is text me, why can't you talk to me? Question it. I'm not saying they're bad, but question it. Question everything. I like Obama's little thing Trust, but verify. Trust people.

Speaker 2:

You can give people the benefit of the doubt in the beginning, but don't give out all your secrets in the beginning. There's no reason for anyone to know all of your secrets. I'm not telling you to be false. I'm telling you to have conversations with people so that you can understand their motives, because friendships are based upon motives. My friends are my friends because we know that we benefit each other. We grow each other. Like they stretch me. These women are amazing. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I get a little nervous. I'm like dang, y'all got a lot going on. And then they have to come back to me and I've said it to them and that's the thing about the vulnerability. I can say that to them and they can come back to me and say, honey, you belong here Because see, if you weren't here, where would you be? What would you be doing? We're growing each other, we're pushing each other, and if your friendships don't grow you and send you in a better direction, question the friendship, question whether or not you should be around these people.

Speaker 2:

People need to prove. People need to prove themselves to you like that's just a reality. People need to prove themselves. It's just not. We don't want to give ourselves away to just anyone. That's in a physical sense, emotional sense, in a spiritual sense. We don't want to give ourselves away. Even God says to test him and he says that. So if God, our heavenly father, is asking us to test a man, why would we test man? To see who you really are, how you really plan on living? Like we really need to do more of that.

Speaker 1:

Change a lot of relationships, change a lot of marriages. It'll change a lot of relationships, change a lot of marriages. It'll change a lot of families. You were mentioning our people. We have an issue with being vulnerable. I've seen even with Simone Biles coming out with mental health in the Olympics, you know, just stepping back, going listen, something's not right and I can't move forward. And the support that the country showed her I thought was amazing, Absolutely beautiful. It's sad that I thought it was amazing, but it just I didn't know how it was going to go.

Speaker 2:

You know, right now there is a true movement for mental health, mental health and well-being in the workplace and the family, everywhere. Even the Surgeon General's framework right now is looking at mental health and well-being like we need it's, it's, it's the next epidemic, so to speak, our mental health. It's the next epidemic, so to speak, our mental health. How is it? I don't want to misquote the statistic, but there's a large statistic that says so many and so many people are exhibiting some mental health disability Like. The reality is, we all have a mental health disability in some shape, fashion or form, whether or not we want to own up to it. That's a different story, but we all are, and especially coming out of this pandemic. It reveals so much because people lost that community. They lost that opportunity to go and find places to hide out so they didn't have to deal with their mental health issues. Right, and we need to open up, as, as the community, we need to be open to talking to people.

Speaker 1:

I know.

Speaker 2:

Our parents always told us you keep your business in your house. That was the reality. That's how we grew up. Don't tell nobody what's going on in this house, that's right. You don't tell all your business, that's just. That's no matter what community, all your business doesn't belong in the streets. But you don't feel like something is right inside of you. You need to go seek some help, because we aren't meant to walk this walk alone. We're meant to walk with people, and that's what coaches, therapists and counselors and psychologists are here for to give you a place to go, to have someone to walk it out with you. That's what they're here for, and we need to speak it more often. We don't again the next pandemic we don't get under control.

Speaker 1:

We need to talk about mental health more in our community yes, I really do think that, uh, mental health moved to the forefront during the pandemic um, because we couldn't run and hide say it again we couldn't run and hide during the pandemic.

Speaker 2:

We couldn't run on the streets and keep ourselves busy doing this, doing that out here and there. There was nowhere to go. You had to sit with yourself. Do you know how many people just could not handle sitting with their self, could not handle the thoughts going through their own head, that voice that exists in there, that id, that thing that wants to satisfy our self-pleasures? They could not handle that because they did not have the tools that they needed. They didn't know how to reach out to people, to the right people.

Speaker 1:

It's crazy. Yeah, it was the same thing I feel with parent to children. They didn't know how to deal with. Wait, you want me to sit here with them? It was the same thing as far as marriages, domestic violence raised so high because you just stayed in each other's space.

Speaker 2:

And that's where that testing piece comes in. How many of those marriages were tested before the pandemic? How many of those were just real time with each other? Like real time, sitting, talking, just being with each other. How is it that you can't stand to be in a room or in a house.

Speaker 2:

Because these people are in houses, not necessarily having to stay in the same room all the time. You just can't stand being in the house with your spouse. That's the person you promise to love, cherish, honor, care for until death, do you part, and you can't even stand being in the house with them. Why would you make those type of promises if you can't even stand to be around them at all? What do you really know about a person if you can't stand to be around them? That is the complication with the relationships. Now, that is a complication. People don't say. Let me not say don't. People haven't.

Speaker 2:

I'm not going to say that they aren't doing it now, because I'm starting to see more of it. Actually, I'm starting to see more people really take that time to understand wait, who are you? Where are you going? What do you want? Are we on the same page? I'm seeing more of that come about now, which I love. I think that's a beautiful thing More conversations, more time spent together. I think that is the best thing going. But during the pandemic people beforehand you know it was oh, you cute, you sexy, you got money.

Speaker 1:

We were doing all of that and we weren't looking at the substance that people are made of. So there is that surface that you're talking about, that substance and where do you advise people to look?

Speaker 2:

At the soul. Where are your priorities? Where is this person's priorities? What is the relationship like with their family? Why? And then ask the question why is the relationship like that with their family? Because not everyone has a great relationship with the family, but there's always a reason. You need to understand those reasons and you need to understand is that something that you can deal with? Because those same traits that they exhibited with their family they're going to trickle over into your relationship. So you need to think about those things as you begin to move forward and progress in this relationship, because they all affect what you will have as an outcome. Don't, don't gloss over it. Oh, it'll get bad. Oh, he'll be all right. No, honey, honey, honey, let me tell you no, he won't, he's just gonna be worse but then wait, because I was gonna say but what did you say to the gentleman?

Speaker 1:

and that's the situation that they're having so.

Speaker 2:

So as as men who are dealing oh god, I just literally was having this conversation with someone the other day set expectations. I know people are like, oh, don't, don't try to manage my expectations. But no, we should be looking at what is expected of us. We have people now who are moving in with each other and they're living the good life and they're like there's no conversation. There's no conversation about what it is to live the good life long-term. So I have a house. I bought my house. This is the mail. I bought my house, I paid the mortgage.

Speaker 2:

I tell you, okay, you know what, you can move in. But then you don't talk to me about spending money. I don't know what your bills are. I don't know what you're spending. I don't know how you're going to pay bills. None of that is ever discussed. That creates tension. That creates tension in itself. I don't know if I like the way you want to live. I don't know if I like the way you want to put your clothes on my chairs or any of the above. Let's have those conversations. Again. That's a vulnerable piece because a lot of people don't want to have those conversations because they're scared of where they're going to go no, go out to dinner in a neutral place and have real conversations with people. I saw a wonderful little reel the other day and it was so cute, I just loved it. I had no choice but to love it. The couple was in there and they were like well, businesses have board meetings, relationships should too. I 100 percent agree that every relationship should have a board meeting on a regular basis.

Speaker 1:

So what is the top five topics that you believe should be discussed?

Speaker 2:

Marriage, finances, living arrangements, kids, sex yes, all of sex needs to be discussed. What you will and won't do, and your past, because I need to know where you came from so I can understand where we're going. Those are the things that you need to really think about before you start saying, oh, I'm going to go be with Pookie over there because he got all it is. No, get that stuff straight first, then y'all can go live happily ever after. If you don't get those things straight and you don't have clarity, you're heading for problems. You're heading for situations that are not beneficial for anyone. Don't, don't, don't, don't go down that path. That's because that path leads to death, destruction and divorce death, destruction and divorce.

Speaker 1:

So how do you coach k, help people to not get to death and destruct, let's say destruction destruction.

Speaker 2:

I said it that way for a reason death, destruction and divorce. So it's death to you, not physically, but to your spirit, because that's the first thing that dies in a relationship is your spirit. Ah, destruction, destruction, because it tears up your life. It tears up your life, it tears up everything you're going. That's happening. It starts touching your career, it starts touching your kids. All of that starts getting hit and divorce. That's the final straw. That in itself is devastating and you don't want to get there.

Speaker 2:

So, yes, let's do what we can to avoid those things. How do we avoid those things? We have the conversations that we need to have. That is a big piece. Communication, communication is not a bad word, and people don't understand what communication really is. It's not not just oh, I talk, do you listen? Do you hear what people are saying to you? Now here's a way to really know that someone is saying can you tell me what I said? Tell me what you think I said. That's a question you need to ask everyone who you have a conversation with. Tell me what you think I said, because people's perception of what you're saying to them is not necessarily what you're actually trying to get across.

Speaker 1:

So be clear on what you're saying to people. My Lord, there's something in that recap, recap. Say that back, tell me no, no, no, no. I'm saying there is something in that recap, like you just said, to repeat that, to literally lean into somebody and say that back to me. What did I just say? Yes, that's a thing for me. What did I just say? I don't want to repeat it. What do you think?

Speaker 2:

I just said, my Lord, that's telling you what they heard. Because different people hear things differently. They, our perceptions are different, our experiences cause us to have. It's like that little kids game where they go around, they tell the secret all around. By the time he gets to the other side, it's a whole nother thing. Because they hear differently, we hear things differently and we need to be clear on what the point is we're trying to get across. So I'm going to ask you what do you think? I said, okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. But then when they don't understand, don't get mad Just because they repeated back in their tone and the way they felt that they heard it, don't get mad.

Speaker 2:

Say well, no, go back and try to clarify what you're trying to say. And in the process, it's a conversation. Anger needs to be removed because that makes it worse, because at that point people begin to shut down when voices get raised and things get brought on the portion. But it's a conversation, just okay. Well, I wasn't actually saying that I want you to go beat up Ray Ray. I wasn't saying that. What I was saying is he is the reason I'm upset right now. So I think it's best that we stay away from Ray Ray. So just what he heard, because I heard he made you mad. You're not happy and all, and I think it's time for me to go. No, that's not what I said. That's not what I said. That's what you heard.

Speaker 2:

So clarify what you are trying to say to the other person. Male or female, husband, wife, child, children oh yes, definitely with your children, definitely with your children. Clarify, because kids will hear all kinds of stuff and be specific, because kids these days love to play word games. Be very specific with them and have conversations with your kids. Don't be scared to talk to your kids. Don't be. Your kids are listening, even when you don't think they are. They listen to every single thing you say and they watch every single thing you do. So be mindful of that. The things you do within your own circle, the things you do within the house, professionally, they're looking at all of that. So just be mindful. That's communication. Whether you're communicating verbally or non-verbally, it's all communication and people are taking all of that in.

Speaker 1:

I'm glad you said communicating verbally, because earlier you said you have to listen to what people say. What do you think about? Because I know for me it's big for me to watch what you do, because I know that some people, what they say, what they do, they're not matching, they're clashing. It's like wait, they're not just syncing up, it's not syncing up. What you said and what you did is not syncing up. How do you address someone? And they're literally, as you're talking to them, they're saying no, that's what I said, and you're like, yeah, but that's not what you did.

Speaker 2:

So you express that, say it, don't hold back. Let me say this is what you walked over there and you told that girl she had a big old booty, but you you told me that you didn't look at her booty, but you just walked over there and told her but, but, baby, at that, your actions, yes, are speaking louder than your words at that moment. Be very realistic with people. Be people get scared to call other people out on their bull. Okay, like, let's have conversations. I don't have to be mad at you, I don't have to be angry with you to have the conversation about. Well, you told me that you were going to be here or you were going to do this, but yet you didn't.

Speaker 2:

And what happens is people forget that. Oh, what you say and what you do, people will forget, but how they made you feel, that's that thing you remember and that's the thing that you have to get across that what you did and what you said, this is what it made me feel. So, regardless of what you think, it's how I felt. So that's how I interpreted it, because it's what you made me feel. So we got to get past this fear again, back to that word fear of being open and honest about what it is we want, how we want to say it and when we want to say it. Don't be mad, we don't have to be nasty, we don't have to get loud, we don't have to be angry, but we need to get our point across in a way that they understand. This is the effect that what you said and or did had on me. That's the effect. We need to communicate that to each other. We're failing in that area.

Speaker 1:

We need to communicate that to each other. We're failing in that area. Communicating clearly. It sounds like TD.

Speaker 2:

Jakes, I just reposted something he said and he said listen, you have to speak with. You have to speak without being offensive and you have to listen without being defensive. Very much so that that's. But that's the arena that we're in and too much. See, we're all on the offense right now and and we're all trying to I said that wrong we're all in a defensive right now.

Speaker 2:

Quite frankly, a lot of us are in defense right now, trying to like maneuver and back away and make sure that we don't get hurt and that nothing else comes into our space to give us, cause us any kind of angst. But we got to slow down and we got to take a moment to just be in that moment, hear from people and express what we're hearing. Again, that goes back to expressing what we think we heard. Because again, we get so defensive because we think we heard something. Ask the question Did I hear you correctly? Because, again, that's going to tell you who somebody is. If they say, well, yeah, that's what I said. Oh, okay, let me go away then, because that might not be what I wanted. Or, oh, let me lean in because that's, I need to hear more of this. But we are so, we're so programmed to, to not ask questions, to to just sit and let people go on and on and on and not ask those questions, and we walk away from things with bits and pieces of what people said, never truly hearing the full expanse or asking the questions so we can understand everything that they've just said to us. That is the purpose of conversation. That is why we were given these linguistic abilities, so that we can actually understand each other and fully sit with each other. Like it hurts my heart when I think about the way people could be so much better if they just took the time to really listen to one another and talk to one another.

Speaker 2:

For the longest time, I harbored so much anger and frustration at one of my siblings. He's not here with us anymore, but in that time before he passed, I did have an opportunity to just sit and have conversations with him and I realized that the real problem wasn't that he disliked me. He literally was freaking bipolar Like he. Finally it finally came out. But how did it come out? Because we sat and we talked. I listened, he spoke, we had dialogue back and forth and it's like have you considered the possibility that maybe? Ah, okay, let's explore this some more. Do you want help with that? Walking with people? We're scared to walk with people. We're scared to walk with people. We put people out there all alone. It's wrong. It's so wrong Like we need to be able to walk with each other and again have those deep conversations with each other to be able to help each other to grow and get beyond. Like you said, tdj's had that message out there about listening and having the conversations.

Speaker 2:

We don't do enough of that. We don't do enough of that. We don't do enough of that. We hear a little piece and we run with it. Let's stop doing it. Let's go back. Let's go back, let's look. Let's look deeper, let's see the whole. Let's see the whole skit. Let's figure out what the whole thing was. It was really meant by that. We can do do more of that. We need to do more of that.

Speaker 1:

That's amazing. Td Jakes ended that snippet with him saying and walk away, leaving people with their dignity. That's powerful.

Speaker 2:

That means you had a very respectful conversation. You weren't rude. Even if you disagreed, you agreed to disagree in a very respectful manner. That's not what we do these days. That's not what we do these days.

Speaker 2:

I'm watching an artist who is a Christian, who is being beaten up right now by a mainstream artist, and it's so painful to watch because this person is literally the. It's so funny to me because he's coming the Christian artist is coming from a place of love and you can hear it. He's like let's sit down and break bread, let's have a conversation about this, and the other artist is just well, until you do x, y and z and until it's so aggressive, it's so aggressive and I'm like all we need to do is sit down and have a conversation. Why has it got to go? Let's take this out of social media. Let's go put this in a space where the two of us can sit down as men and just have a conversation to truly understand where the other one is coming from.

Speaker 2:

In the end, we may agree, we might not, but at least we took the time to try to have that conversation. That was needed To avoid some of the things that could lead to more dangerous and more hostile situations. Take the time to just have a conversation. So easy, so easy, but we refuse. We absolutely refuse. And my goal is to get more people to talk. And my goal is to get more people to talk, just talk.

Speaker 1:

Just talk about where you are. Start with, right where you are. Start there, start here, right now. Where are you Change your life? Change your life so healthy Self-worth. We're ending on the topic of self-worth.

Speaker 2:

How do you help people find that I hit something, oh you did, you did, you took me back to a moment with my mom, so I knew I was meant to do this work a long time ago. I've been fighting away from this work. When I was little, my mother used to tell me I would bring anyone and everyone home because I would help them. I didn't believe anyone. There's no such thing as an ugly person in my opinion. There's no such thing as you can't help someone. Everyone can be helped and I would bring everybody home to try to help them. And I had an experience with my mother. My mother, um, suffered with depression, severe depression actually, and she tried to commit suicide at one point. And at that point I was about 10, I think about 10, 11 years old, and I literally remember running down the alleyway because there's an alleyway next to our house after my mother, and grabbing her and bringing her in the house and sitting her down, and at that point I didn't know a whole lot of scripture. I still don't know a whole lot of scriptures. I can go to the Bible and find every single thing I need, but I can't quote all the scriptures, but this one scripture, it was heavy in my mind and it was as for me and my house. We shall see the lord. And I sat her down, I said that scripture to her and I said, mom, we can't serve the lord if you're not here. I am in your house, I need you here, I need you here.

Speaker 2:

She stuck around for me as long as she could, but her self-worth had been beaten up. She had a rough time After my grandfather passed. My grandmother was not as nice to her as she should have been. She was good to her, don't get me wrong, but some of the things she would say. My mom would try to put makeup on and she would tell us she looked like a clown. My mother was a very caring person. She always made sure other people were taken care of long before she was.

Speaker 2:

She didn't understand the concept of you can't pour from an empty cup, the concept of you can't pour from an empty cup. She had no clue of how that, what that really meant, because she was always pouring, pouring, pouring to her own detriment, to her own detriment, down to the point that the day she died, the day before she died, she had a diabetic. She went to a diabetic coma, got better, came home. When she came home, that next she's up cleaning the house for everybody else and I'm like, mom, slow down, you can't do that. You need to take care of you. Oh, I'm okay, ma. You just went through this whole experience. You were just in the hospital, sit down that night. She went back to the hospital and I got a call that she didn't make it and she didn't come back home. I'm sorry. So lesson learned from her lesson that I've learned in my life is that you can take care of people, but you can't to your own detriment. You need to take care of you.

Speaker 2:

Self-care, self-worth, because that's the first step. You can't have self-care if you don't have self-worth. What do you mean to you? What is your value? I tell people all the time you know they ask that question on certain things, like when you talk to people have you ever thought about committing suicide? No, I love myself too much to think about harming myself. That's my favorite line to say, because I realized I do love me. You might not like me all the time.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

I love me, some me. I love me, some me. I love sitting quietly with myself. I love spending time alone with myself Because I've learned to love me. I haven't always loved me, I haven't.

Speaker 2:

I can acknowledge that. I can acknowledge that I allowed my body to be abused and used in manners in which it should not have ever been. But when you know better, you do better, and I know a whole lot better now and I've learned that that is part of your self-worth, that is, knowing that this body, it matters. Everything you do to it, everything you say to it, everything you put in here, all that goes into who you are and how much you value yourself. All the more reason why I go back to we need to talk to people who will build us up, who will uplift us, who will encourage our minds to help us build that self-worth that we may not have. Help us find it. Find it within yourself, because it's in there. We all have it in us, but sometimes it takes a little more digging to get to it than other times. We just have to be willing to let someone in so we can find it, because without it it's death, it leads to death.

Speaker 1:

My goodness. Without it, it leads to death, destruction and divorce. My Lord, I think that statement applies to more than just marriage, because you can divorce somebody in a friendship, you can divorce a sibling and never talk to them. You can divorce you know something that you really really love to do and just say, listen, I'm never going to do that again. And you're never really feeling, feeling whole, because you divorced. Something happened and there was a death, and then there was the destruction of it, and then there was just I got to get away, can we?

Speaker 2:

say that Ma'am, that's a whole word by itself. Ok, that's a whole word.

Speaker 1:

Yes, my gosh. All right, ma'am, I am honored that you came through to drop the wisdom and knowledge for a better life. I would like for you to share with the people the confident you tribe, how they can have the amazing opportunity to work with you.

Speaker 2:

Certainly. Well, I'll say, first of all, I can be reached at info for you, info at your kindred connection, and that's connection with the K dot com, at your Kendrick connection, and that's connection with the K dot com. Or I can be reached on Instagram at your underscore Kendrick connection Again, connection with the K, and I want you to reach out to me to help you find that confidence that you need to help you build the relationships you need to have, the conversations you need to have, help you build the relationships you need to have, the conversations you need to have. You may have situ. I'm a coach, I'm Coach K. Let's just see, I'm just going to say it like that.

Speaker 2:

I am Coach K. My desire is to help you on a soul level to prosper, to find that potential within yourself that you just don't even know. You have to help you craft the life and the circumstances that you want for yourself. That is my desire, that is my goal for everyone that I encounter, to help them have a better life and find peace. But on a soul level. We're put here to do so much more and I just want to help more and more people find that. That's my goal, that's my desire, and I hope that you'll reach out to people, find that that's my goal, that's my desire and I hope that you'll reach out to me for that opportunity and we can work together. I thank you.

Speaker 1:

And I thank you. We thank you. Thank you for coming through. I pray that the confident you family definitely listened, definitely listen, and the questions that they have they reach out and ask you. I hope that they fill your DMs with questions that will help them to get the guidance that they need so that they can connect and learn how to have that healthy dialogue to a healthier life. I really do appreciate you joining us. Thank you so much for answering the call. Thank you for having me on.

Speaker 2:

I enjoyed this so much.

Speaker 1:

Yes, we enjoyed you, thank you, thank you, thank you, listen, everyone, confident you, tribe, listen. We are building the network, the network that we need to live healthier lives, and I just want to let you know that if you are suffering at the hands of domestic violence, you can call Bethany House, ask for Tiffany. The number there is 1-888-80-HELPS, that's 4-3-5-7-7. If Tiffany doesn't answer, anyone there on her staff is there to help you make a plan for a better life for you and your children. Listen if that number. There's also another number that we have. That is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. That's 1-800-799-SAFE, that's 7233. If you are suffering at the hand of domestic violence, help is here. All right, everyone. Please don't forget to like, share, subscribe and follow. I will see you listen in the after party. Coach K doesn't even know we're going to be talking personally with her about her relationship and finding out some intimate details on how she met her husband. Definitely want to tune in.